I'm trying to be excited for my birthday dinner, I really am, but all I can feel is the echo of Kit's anxiety. I want to call it off, more than anything, rather than put him through what's he's feeling now.
It makes me feel sick to my stomach, the fear and the uncertainty. But I know I can't.
In the relatively short time I've known Kit, I've learnt that he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do. He makes compromises, he tries new things, but ultimately, if he doesn't want to do something, then he won't. I check my phone for what seems like the thousandth time this hour and bite my lip.
Nothing. I can only assume that means that he's still coming.
I close my eyes, turning to the mirror and taking several calming breaths. I smooth my hair and tug my dress down a little, turning to look at my reflection.
I'm wearing a little black satin dress. It has a square neck and ends mid-thigh. Ordinarily I'd say I look nice, but nice doesn't seem good enough. I add some silver dangly earrings, spritz a bit of perfume on and slip into some little black heels to finish the picture.
The doorbell rings and I race down the stairs, needing to beat my parents to the door. I nearly stumble more than once, but don't care because I'm here first.
I swing the door open and momentarily wish I'd taken just a second to smooth down my hair again.
Kit looks downright gorgeous, outwardly appearing cool and confident as his expression shows absolutely nothing at all. As soon as he sees me though, he smiles and his whole face changes into that of the boy I...
"Hey birthday girl." He says quietly, stepping in and pulling me close.
I hug him tight, taking Kia's approach and trying to squeeze all of the cow out of him...or something along those lines.
He laughs slightly and loosens my arms.
"If I need to make a quick escape later, you can choke me then." He whispers and I blush.
"Sorry." I mumble, stepping back and ushering him in.
He puts down the bag he's carrying and takes off his coat, hanging it up next to the door. He then fishes out a bouquet of sunflowers and hands them to me.
"For my sunshine." He says almost bashfully, tucking my hair behind my ear and I beam, taking them in my hands and pottering into the kitchen to pop them in a vase.
My mum and dad are shuffling about in the living room, clearly giving us a minute and I thank every deity in the sky. I shoot back into the hallway as fast as I can and take Kit's hand in mine, glancing over my shoulder to ensure we're still alone.
"Are you okay?" I breathe quietly, watching his expression closely.
"I'm um, I'm actually good," He says with an easy smile. It doesn't quite meet his eyes, but I relax somewhat.
"Are you okay?" He asks, his smile lopsided as though he's trying not to laugh at me.
I exhale deeply, my forehead dropping to lean against his chest as he strokes my hair.
"I don't think I realised how nervous I would be. I'm sorry, I'm just thinking about them and then worrying about you and..." I trail off as Kit frowns.
"Ah, now that's not right. I don't want you to worry about me. I've faced much scarier prospects than meeting your parents. If I can survive meeting you, really I can do anything. Today is your birthday, my love, so don't worry about anything other than enjoying yourself." He says gently, pressing kisses against my head periodically.
My breath catches in my throat, but I nod determinedly.
"So, meeting me was really that bad, huh?" I ask and he grins.
"Stopped my heart a couple times. You're a scary lady. Worth it though, my god was it worth every second." He says, mumbling towards the end as though he's more talking to himself. I smile, blushing as he recalls every moment in his mind.
I take his hand and he stops to pick up his bag before following me into the kitchen. My mum and dad seem to have snuck in whilst we were preoccupied and make a nice scene of pretending to be surprised by our appearance.
I glance between Kit and my parents warily.
I had warned them that he was shy, but I hadn't gone into any details, hoping they'd catch on themselves. I so desperately don't want to go backwards, don't want to damage what I have with Kit.
"These are for you, Mrs Evelyn," Kit says, fishing out a bouquet of coloured chrysanthemums. Purple and white and pale pink, all mixed together.
"I...I didn't bring any for you Mr Evelyn, but I can in the future if you'd like." Kit adds, stuttering slightly as his eyes linger on the table, not quite able to make eye contact.
My dad laughs, and shakes his head.
"Not necessary, but thank you for thinking of me." He says, looking thoroughly amused as my mum gushes over her flowers.
"Oh thank you, Kit. These are lovely. Please call me Cathy and this is Tim, my husband." She says, chopping off the ends.
"You're welcome. And this is for you." He says, holding out the silver bag in his hand to me. I frown and peer inside, inhaling audibly.
"Oh, Kit. You didn't have to get me anything." I say quietly.
"Did you want to open them now or later, sweetie? Dinner's almost ready." My mum asks and I nod, saying that later is fine.
We settle in the dining room and I sit as close to Kit as I can, making sure that I can always reach out and reassure him if I need to.
"Okay, so we have lasagne, salad and garlic bread, I'll portion up and then you can just help yourself if that's okay?" Mum says and Kit nods, his eyes darting over the meal.
"Everything's veggie." I assure quietly and he nods, smiling at me.
"Oh, yes, Clara did say you were a vegetarian too. How long have you not been eating meat?" Mum asks as she places Kit's plate in front of him.
"Since I was thirteen. I'd never been a big fan of it, and it just sort of happened." Kit explains and I nod.
"Basically the same thing with me." I say and dad laughs.
"Fussy little bugger you were, when you were little." He says fondly, watching me steal a piece of garlic bread and slide it to Kit.
"So, Kit, tell us a bit about you." My mum says conversationally and I watch Kit freeze out of the corner of my eye. This is a dreaded question I'm sure.
He clears his throat, his eyes darting to me as I smile as reassuringly as I can.
"Well, I have a twin sister, Kia. I presume you've had the pleasure of meeting her?" He begins, looking for confirmation and my mum nods enthusiastically.
"Such a lovely girl." My mum says and Kit nods.
"I play piano, in the same orchestra as Clara actually, and I like to read and compose music. I go to my sisters ballet recitals every year, so I've known of Clara for a while." He says, trying to answer the question that was never asked but implied. How did you meet.
"Oh, that's lovely. Clara just loves to dance." My mum says.
"She's wonderful. Absolutely mesmerising." Kit mumbles, looking at me as I blush.
My dad is watching Kit very carefully, silently cataloguing the conversation. I shove another piece of garlic bread in my mouth, not caring about anything but quenching my anxiety with carbs.
"And how long have you been seeing each other?" My mum asks causally, her eyes now focused on her plate.
"About a month? Does that sound right, Clara?" Kit asks, although I know for a fact that he'll know the number of days, hours and minutes since I agreed to be his girlfriend.
"That sounds about right." I choke out, my hand finding his under the table and giving it a squeeze.
"We're in the same Maths class." Kit says suddenly, as if he doesn't like where the conversation was about to go.
"Clara's very bright." My dad says proudly and Kit agrees automatically.
"Hardly, Kit's the bright one. He's in all advanced classes this year." I say and my dad raises his eyebrows.
"Any idea what you're thinking about doing after college?" My dad enquires and Kit looks as though he's about to throw up at the question. His answers are smooth and fast though, and I know he must have them memorised and rehearsed.
"I was toying with the idea of studying engineering or architecture. I'm trying to keep my options open for a little while longer." He says vaguely but my mum and dad seem to accept this as an 'acceptable' response.
"So, Kit, tell me are your parents soulmates?" My dad asks and I gasp, my fork hitting the table.
"Dad, you don't ask that kind of thing." I say sternly but Kit lays his hand over mine.
"It's okay. They are." He says warmly and I turn in shock.
"Your mum and dad are soulmates? How come you never told me?" I ask, smiling as I imagine them meeting for the first time.
"Well, it's not really something you advertise. Love is love, regardless of whether you're soulmates or not." Kit says pointedly, shoving some lettuce in his mouth.
I smile as my dad purses his lips, glancing at me.
I can tell that he's about to say something else but I'm not having it.
"Kit! You're finished, could you help me with the plates and the cake?" I ask and he nods, watching me carefully.
He gathers the plates dutifully and follows me into the kitchen as I lean against the island. I press my hands to my face, embarrassed.
"I'm so sorry, Kit. My mum and dad are so nosy and so out of line." I mumble but he laughs.
"I was expecting an interrogation. You're their only daughter, it's their job to protect you. And here I am, trying to muscle in, steal you away, potentially break your heart?" He says, coming to stand between my legs.
"Although between you and me, that last one is unthinkable." He adds, leaning down to kiss my cheek.
"How am I doing?" He asks and I laugh shakily.
"You're lovely and polite and charming and perfect." I say, leaning into his chest.
"High praise from the birthday girl. Try to relax, come on, it's cake and presents time." He says, grabbing my hand and tugging me back to the dining room.
He places the cake on the table and mum quickly assumes the role of slicing and distributing. Candles and singing is not really done in this house.
I peek down at the silver bag next to me and grab it, my curiosity too much to bear.
"Four presents? Four?" I ask, glancing at Kit. He looks edgy, as though there's something he wants to say but not here.
I fish out the card and open it, ignoring my cake for a moment.
My darling Clara,
Words can't express how much you mean to me, or how much I care for you, but every year I will endeavour to try. I'll always regret the time that we lost, and I'm so sorry I made you wait, but I hope this will assure you that you were always on my mind.
Happy birthday my love.
Forever yours,
Kit
I blink away the moisture in my eyes and tuck the card back into the envelope meaningfully. I then turn to the presents. I get them out and lay them on the table.
They're numbered, each wrapped in different paper and all wrapped pretty terribly. Some of the paper is faded in the extreme and I wonder just how long Kit has had this wrapping paper.
"Start with number four and work your way up." Kit says quietly and I nod, smiling.
I take the present that, quite frankly, looks the least appealing, first. The paper is the worst here, faded and sightly torn around the edges. I arrange the presents and find that as the numbers descend, the quality of the present looks better.
I unwrap gift number four and laugh, extricating a small snow globe. In the centre is a ballerina in an arabesque and on the bottom, a little clasp. I turn the clasp twice and all of a sudden a little tune starts to play. It looks so familiar to me and I wonder if maybe I had this very snowglobe as a child.
I grin at it, shaking it until it snows on the little ballerina.
"Thank you, Kit." I say, popping it down and picking up number three.
Unwrapping it I find a small, beautifully detailed swan figurine. It's tiny and delicate but it's so beautiful.
I place it down and look at the two gifts, knowing that there is significance there but not quite able to grasp what.
I pick up number two, the smallest gift, and open it.
It's a little black jewellery box and when I open it, I find a small, delicate chain. In the middle of the chain are two small silver hoops, interconnected. It's stunning and understated and delicate.
I hold it out to Kit and he takes it out, undoing the clasp as I flip my hair up.
He secures it around my neck and gently strokes the skin there, causing me to shiver. I grin, my hand resting against it on my chest.
I then turn to my final gift, almost sad that it's over.
I turn it in my hands, feeling it with my fingers until the temptation is too much and I tear the paper off. It's a black frame, and inside the frame is a sheet of music.
The title of the music is 'Clara's Lullaby' and as I read the music, the tune comes back to me. The song he plays me, the one that's so beautiful I could cry, that entices me into sleep when sleep seems impossible. It's one of Kit's own creations.
I hadn't known that. I knew it was beautiful and unfamiliar but I didn't know he had composed it. And he made it for me.
This time I am helpless to stop the tears and I lunge at Kit from across the table, very nearly knocking both of us to the floor.
"Thank you. I didn't know...it's so beautiful. Thank you." I say quietly, looking down at the frame in my hand. I don't think I'm able to put it down.
Suddenly, I remember. I pick up the snow globe and laugh, turning it in my hands.
"This was in the gift shop. At my dance recital and I wanted it but we never had time to get to the shop before the performance started." I say, looking up and Kit nods.
I try and wrack my brain, trying to remember when exactly that was.
I glance at the swan and it hits me.
"And the year after, I was in swan lake." I mumble, fingering the swan figurine lightly.
"And the year after that, I wore the costume with the two silver hoops in sleeping beauty." I add, looking at the wrapping paper again and realising what this means.
"You've had these all this time?" I ask, my eyes darting to his and he smiles.
"I don't...I don't understand Clara, honey?" My mum asks, her eyes darting between us as I smile through my tears, not able to even move.
"What happened four years ago?" My dad asks.
"That's when I first saw her." Kit says quietly, his hand reaching out to mine. I shake my head and get up, moving to sit in his lap as I wind my arms around him.
My parents glance at each other and the penny seems to drop.
"Oh my goodness, oh Clara congratulations." My mum says, reaching for her napkin as she tears up. My dad doesn't look so happy and I sit up, shrinking back against Kit's chest.
"You've known that our daughter was your soulmate for four years, and you've only just told her? What were you doing? Screwing around with as many girls as you could before you had to get tied down?" My dad says, his voice still level, but anger bubbling beneath the surface.
"No, n-no that's not..."
"That's what it seems like. Clara move." My dad says, cutting off Kit. Kit's hands are shaking and I am angry.
"No. You have no idea why he didn't come to me, you don't know him at all so you don't get to make those assumptions. Kit was fourteen, he was too young! He knew that, I would have known that and you would never have allowed it! He didn't think he was good enough for me, but when he was ready, he tried to get to know me on his own terms, without the pressure of being soulmates. He made me fall for him all on his own, no bond required. So no, you don't get to judge him. Especially on my birthday." I say boldly, sitting back down on Kits lap huffily.
He groans quietly at the unexpected weight and I laugh.
"I'm sorry." I say, turning round but Kit shakes his head, his arm winding round my waist as the other stabs at a bit of cake.
My mum and dad sit for a moment, the shock registered on their faces taking a moment to clear.
My mum clears her throat, and my dad apologises quietly.
"Don't worry about it. I am constantly worried about not being good enough for her too." Kit says amiably and my dad quirks a little smile. I smile, dragging my piece of cake over, content exactly where I am.