Summary: Remus and Patton met on an online dating site and had been chatting for a couple of weeks. Now they were thinking of getting serious they wanted to show each other their jobs and their passions in life.
TW - Dirty animal facts (since Remus is a zookeeper - plus I had to learn all these facts for a module at university and it wasn't in the exam so the knowledge has to go somewhere)
Words: 2280
Remus had not driven to an elementary school ever - not even when he was in elementary school himself (even though he begged his mother to). It was not for nefarious reasons that Remus was driving to the local elementary school, of course, he was purely going to visit a man he'd been chatting to on Tinder for a couple of weeks. They had decided to start their first date with Remus picking Patton up from work where he was a teacher.
It was a little weird that Remus was so close to an elementary school teacher, possibly romantically close, but a good kind of weird. He'd had several boyfriends throughout high school and college but he just could describe the difference this new relationship caused him in his life. This one just seemed different. He wasn't Remus' usual type of edgy, punk rock, part-time boxer; he was just too soft for any of that. But he was nice and kind and had an amazing sense of humour consisting of Dad jokes and puns that Remus couldn't help but laugh at.
When Remus finally arrived to the elementary school he went straight to reception, smiling at one of the ladies before speaking. "I'm here to collect Patton? I don't know if he is still here..."
"Last name?"
"Uh... Piper?" Remus was lucky to remember that, and he only remembered it because of the countless nights he'd spent staring at the man's profile to hype himself up before messaging him. The receptionist hummed and furrowed her eyebrows, looking at the computer screen in confusion. "This is Great Joan Elementary right?"
"What grade is this Patton in?"
Oh - that explains it. Not many people collected teachers from school grounds it seemed. Remus let a small laugh go before quickly correcting. "Oh, no, no. Patton Piper's a teacher here right, first grade?"
Recognition fluttered in the receptionist's eyes as she nodded, standing from her seat and grabbing a visitor lanyard. "Yes he is, what relation are you to him? I don't believe he told me he had a brother..." While that comparison was new for Patton and Remus it wasn't the first time someone made that mistake to Remus' face. Unfortunately the possibility of two men dating wasn't immediate to everyone's minds.
"We're just a couple of buddies. Just wanted to surprise him after his work." Remus said as they walked down the corridors. It would not be a good idea to out his man he met through online dating to his colleagues on the first date. That would not be good on his dating resume.
Patton was sat in his classroom marking papers silently, one student staying with him as his parent hadn't collected them from school yet. Needless to say he was surprised to see Remus at the archway of the door with a soft smile and dressed in his favourite spiked jacket. The teacher smiled wide seeing the man.
"Hey Pa... Oh, hi kid!" Remus started and then flinched when he saw the curious boy playing in the corner. He had encountered children before in his area of work but he always knew when to prepare them. It seemed as though kids were around every corner in Patton's job. "Um... When do you get off? I have an idea of where I want to take you, if you don't mind."
Patton gleamed and smiled at the strange boy, pushing worksheets to the side as he spoke. "I'm just taking care of Tommy here until his Rennie picks him up. Right kiddo?" The boy wearing a Steven Universe t-shirt nodded, running around the classroom like Remus did back in the day. "But as soon as Tommy's safe I'll happily go wherever you want to go!"
As if timed the receptionist arrived again with a person who had half black and half bright red hair, short and combed to the side. Tommy seemed to recognise the new person straight away but ran up to Patton first. "Is Rennie Talyn here Tom?" Patton cheered and retrieved a green coat from the corner and helped the little boy put it on.
"I can do it by myself Mr Piper!" Tommy cheered and tried grabbing the buttons, not really succeeding at the speed Patton could do it. Patton's smile was soft and he looked beautiful doing the simple action and it caused butterflies in Remus' stomach.
Tommy ran away with his parent and Patton stuffed his hands in his jean pockets and swayed over to Remus. "So... where are you taking me?"
*****
This date Remus wanted to show Patton his true passion in life - something he'd been working on since high school. And that, surprisingly, was his job. He was a zookeeper. Even when he wasn't on his work hours he loved going around the zoo and checking on animal welfare from a distance and customer satisfaction. He just loved his job.
"Oh I love this zoo!" Patton cheered as Remus parked in the staff car park, smiling to himself and listening to Patton's chirps. "I always supervise the third grade trip here, just seeing their little faces light up is the cutest thing ever!"
"Lighting up like yours is right now?" The couple hadn't kissed yet, but Remus was considering leaning in now to make this moment perfect. But he didn't want to ruin the first date before it even began.
"I may have not grown out of that childhood amazement..." Patton whispered shyly, his aquamarine eyes glowing, killing Remus' heart rate and regenerating his butterflies. But having a first kiss in Remus' car was not what the zookeeper imagined so he resisted the urge and instead got out of the car to open Patton's car door for him.
Patton giggled when he realised how much of a gentleman Remus was being, a blush coming to his cheeks as he stood close to the man ready for an exciting tour. "Oh, don't worry neither have I. Working here is literally my dream come true." Remus began, then he walked inside the zoo and paid for both he and his date using staff discount. The rest of the afternoon was a personal tour by the animal enthusiast.
"Did you know female porcupines have a piss kink?"
Well, that was one way to start a tour as the couple walked past the porcupine enclosure. It was lucky the pair had talked a lot online about their dirty joke limit before meeting in person, and even though Patton was an elementary school teacher he had a surprisingly vulnerable funny bone when it came to sex jokes. "Yeah, male porcupines cluster around the available females and fight for who has the right to mate. Whoever wins then climbs onto a tree branch and pees a lot on the female to turn her on before they have sex."
"That must be hell to clean." Patton giggled, watching Remus lean softly against the glass like a small child inspecting all of the animals. As Patton was an elementary school teacher he had a good understanding of what mess was - but urine-related mating rituals seemed to be a whole new level.
"Eh, we keep the ground soil so the porcupines can clean themselves off when needs be. And we track mating season to restrict mate fighting and give everyone a fair go." Remus went into all sorts of detail into how they track the mating systems of each animal and their action plan for animal fights or escapes (although that had never happened while he worked there). As they looked through the rest of the enclosures Remus had many more facts to share: male alligators have permanent erections, female kangaroos have three vaginas, antechinus fuck until their heart stops beating... Eventually the couple arrive to an area of the park Patton had not been to before - a place named 'Monkey World'.
Patton's eyes widened and a small smile came on his face. "Ooh, Remus can we go in there? I've not been in there before!"
Remus paused for a second as his fact storm about how chickens can eject sperm they don't want was interrupted, he looked at the Monkey World sign for a minute before his brain kicked back into gear. "Monkey World isn't open until after summer I'm afraid Pat. We're working on accumulating the orang-utans to their new climate."
But Patton's eyes were still wide when Remus said exactly what type of monkey was hidden behind the gate. "Oh my God I love orang-utans! They're just the little ginger cuties of the monkey world!" Remus had to admit that Patton looked adorable when he was fangirling over orang-utans. And he had just spent the last two hours showing his date all of his favourite animals so he should really return the favour...
A cough interrupted the romantic moment between Remus and Patton. "You are giving tours outside of your contract hours Remus." That cough was from Remus' boss, Logan, a strict man that cared a lot about his employees work/life balance (or he just didn't want to be babysitting Remus almost every hour of the day). "And it's nice to see you brought a friend this time."
"Can I see the orang-utans?" Patton chirped, trying to keep his wide smile as the older man loomed over the two men with no expression but a raised eyebrow. Logan looked at Remus to ask for an explanation.
"Pat loves orang-utans - they're almost his favourite animal below dogs and cats." That flashcard technique was coming in handy when Remus wanted to remember a fact about Patton. "Maybe you could be my favourite coworker and give me an extra check-in hour so I can show him the little cuties?"
"Monkey World is closed to the public until September."
"But I'm not opening it to the public I'm just opening it to Patton on our private date." Remus and Patton's cheeks became slightly pink as the d-word slipped - but it was for a good cause. Logan only sighed, unconvinced, and he was about to walk away before Remus revealed the next trick up his sleeve. "What if I leave early my next shift if I take the orang-utans check-up today instead of tomorrow? I'll get out your hair for the rest of the day and you won't have to track me after my shift."
It was surprising that worked but it did, Logan gave Remus a small silver key and spoke quietly about exchanging a phone call with a girl called Heather who was meant to check the enclosure in the next twenty minutes. And after a strict word about avoiding lawsuits Remus and Patton could walk through the gate. Remus instructed Patton to wait behind a thick metal and glass gate and stay there while Remus ventured into the enclosure.
The signage showed that only three orang-utans were in the enclosure at that moment. A male, a female, and their offspring. They had all been transferred from another national zoo and were due to be released into the wild in a couple of years. After some silence a scream was heard inside the enclosure - and Patton immediately panicked.
"Remus! Are you alright in there?"
Remus perked out from the enclosure with a small smile, a baby orang-utan at his feet screaming and making other monkey noises. The zookeeper walked out calmly and watched the baby play on all the newly sat up equipment, immediately swinging all the way over to the man at the other side of the window. "Oh... hi little one! You're a cutie aren't you? And a curious one at that!" Remus was smiling from the background of the enclosure and watched the monkey play with his date and his date receptive of the weird games.
Eventually the baby monkey turned its head back to their zookeeper friend and came bounding towards Remus. Remus seemed to catch the monkey just in time in a hug, laughing and ruffling the ginger hair which only made the little orang-utan even more excited. And Patton adored seeing this side of the very adult and mature Remus, he seemed like the perfect person to spend the rest of his life with if nothing absolutely disastrous happened on this date.
The moment was soon over as quickly as it had begun (since Logan walked in to tell his employee that he was only there to refill the food containers not create an entire Wattpad love story). Remus went out of the enclosure and the pair walked back to the public area, then deciding they were hungry they got some burgers and a place to sit.
And Remus couldn't take his eyes off of Patton, as he looked so cute fanboying over the baby monkey which now had to be named Tarzan according to him. Patton couldn't help but stare at his date too who was quiet and listening with obvious adoration already. They both knew the first date was coming soon to a close and they didn't want it to end. They wanted something else. "Um... Do you kiss on the first date?"
"I believe I do..." He felt like a nervous middle schooler facing his crush even though he was reaching thirty, his cheeks were pink and beautiful and it was getting difficult to tie himself away from Patton's lips. Luckily Patton seemed happy to move across the bench closer to Remus, and the two lips connected perfectly. Patton's lips were the lock to Remus' key. Even though the kiss was only a second it left the two men starstruck.
After a soft giggle Patton kissed Remus' cheek which finally gave him courage to speak again. "Thank you."