I open my eyes, waking up next to Joe again. Yesterday feels like one big blur. Joe's holding his vlogging camera in his hand. He looks worryingly at me. When I just look back at him and smile, he laughs and gets a bit closer to me. "I was scared you would have dreamed again." He says and I pull myself against him a bit more. "You're not scary anymore." I say and lean in to kiss him.
As our lips touches, I get a little shock through my stomach. I get a flashback of Joe kissing Jamie and I quickly pull back. "Eh, you should start your vlog, and tell them why you didn't vlog yesterday." I say quick and move away from Joe. I thought everything would be normal again but apparently not.
Joe looks uncomprehendingly at me. He nods slowly and turns his camera on. "Are you fine?" He asks and I quickly nod. "Yeah, sure, nothing to worry about. Start filming you daily vlogger!" He looks angry at me as he starts recording and then laughs.
"Good morning! Welcome to Vlogmas day..." He looks at me. "16 isn't it?" I nod when Joe asks me. "Day 16! I'm so temped to stop now, but I'll try my hardest to finish Vlogmas though!" I laugh at him. "You better do, otherwise I'll finish it for you!" Joe laughs and shrugs. "I wouldn't mind at all." I push him against his shoulder and laugh. "It's your channel, not mine."
Joe looks from the camera to me and smiles. "You can make your own channel." I shake my head even though they can't see as Joe isn't filming me. I'm glad he as I probably look like a zombie at the moment. "You should." I shake my head again. "No, I'm not going to, I'm so awkward and not creative or anything." He shrugs. "I still think you should."
"Sorry for not vlogging yesterday, I know, I've broken the Vlogmas rules, but I just didn't. There are reasons but they aren't important. I'm here now, you better enjoy it." He winks and I laugh. Joe puts his camera away and turns himself around to me. "What would you like to do today?" He asks and I shrug. I feel his arm sneak underneath me and he pulls me against him. I try to stay back a bit, I feel very uncomfortable with it and I don't know why.
"Beach, definitely." He laughs about me being so enthusiastic about going to the beach. "Okay, we will, but you have to come into the sea with me then, it's like 28 degrees!" I nod, I was already planning on going. "Yeah sure!" I get out of the bed and laugh. "Shower, breakfast, beach." And I'm leaving the room to shower.
"It's such a lovely weather!" I say happily and I'm so glad we decided to go here as it makes me so happy. Even though there are A LOT of people here now, what's kind of weird but it makes me happy. We put our stuff down and I sit down on the towel. I look up at Joe who puts his sunglasses on. I do the same and he sits down next to me.
He looks at me and I feel slightly uncomfortable by it. "You better look at other girls Joe, I'm not pretty to look at." I nod in the direction of a girl with an okay figure. "Look at her." I wink and see him looking at her. He quickly looks back. "No you're prettier." He leans in to kiss me again and I shake my head. "Too many people, you know I hate it." He chuckles. "But I hate not kissing you so whose opinion is going to count more?"
I lean closer to him, acting like I'm going to kiss him. "My opinion." I pull back before we kissed and laugh about him looking annoyed. "Come here." He puts his hand on the side of my neck and is about to kiss me. Just before he reaches my face he moves to his right and kisses Jamie instead. I feel an awful pain in my chest what wants to make me run away.
The reality comes back and I lean back quickly, looking away from Joe. He looks confused at me but doesn't say anything of it. He stands up reaches his hand to me. I put my hand in his and he pulls me up.
"Flashbacks eh?" He asks without looking at me. I frown, how does he know? I'm really temped to lie again but I know I should be as honest with him as I can. "Yes." I say slowly and he squeezes my hand softly. "We will distract you from those thoughts.." He laughs and starts running with me into the sea.
Just before we both fall into the water, he lifts me up and throws me further into the sea. Then he falls himself as well. I laugh when I get above the water again. "It's cold Joe!" He laughs and wraps his arms around me. The water reaches just above Joe's bellybutton so that means that I'm almost drowning when a wave comes. Okay that's not true but I would fall because of the waves if Joe wasn't holding me.
I pull myself tight against him. I get shivers as the water is pretty cold. He laughs and squeezes me a bit. "You're being cute, so I'm sorry." I'm a bit confused. "Why did you just apologi.." He let us fall into the water and I only manage to scream. When I'm standing again I throw water in his face and laugh. "You're a stupid boyfriend." He smiles a bit. "And you're a stu.." Before he can finish his sentence I push him into the water.
I look down to my wet feet, sand is sticking to them. I move them through the sand, making circles. I look up again, finding Joe looking at me. I can't see his eyes as he's wearing sunglasses but I know his eyes are looking at me. I quickly straight my back so my body doesn't look worse than it looks already.
Joe smiles a bit and looks away. I turn myself to Joe, who looks back now. "Joe.." He immediately turns his head towards and listens. "Yeah?" I bite my lip a bit. "I've forgot to tell you something." Joe looks quite worried already. I notice someone behind him, she looks familiar but I can't tell who it is. Her body is absolutely goals though.
"Kayla?" Joe asks when I don't start talking. I shake my head and try to focus, what did I want to tell him? "Joe?" That familiar looking girl is walking towards Joe and me and the closer she comes, the more I realize I know her. She's almost standing next to Joe now. She sits down next to him on the towel and puts her hand underneath Joe's chin. She turns his head towards her and leans in to kiss him.
It's Jamie.
"Why do you do this to me?" I scream. Tears start streaming down my face, I can't look at them making out in front of me. My tears make it impossible to see them now anyway. I pull my knees up to my chin and put my hands over my face. I want this to be over. I hear people coming closer to us, I try my hardest but I can't stop crying.
"What's going on?" A low voice asks behind me. I feel Joe coming closer to me and he puts his arm around me. I try to make myself smaller. I don't want him here now, Joe can leave with Jamie. I want to be alone. Joe's arm suddenly disappears from my skin, I realize someone has pulled him away from me.
"I didn't do anything wrong! I swear!" Joe's voice sounds scared. "Yeah sure dude, that's what I was thinking." I wipe my tears away and look up slowly. I find like 15 people standing around us. A big man has pulled Joe away from me. Then I see Joe, looking worried at me.
The guy who's pulled Joe away from me walks to me when he sees me looking at them. "Are you okay?!" He asked worried. I shrug and I'm not able to talk now. I quickly look around me, trying to find Jamie.
Oh fuck.
I realize it wasn't real. I feel so bad now. The guy turns himself around to Joe, screaming something I don't want to repeat. I shake my head. "No, it's okay." I say with a lot of effort. The man looks back at me. "Are you sure? I won't mind holding him away from you the rest of the day." I shake my head again. "He can stay, honestly."
Joe looks relieved when people walk away and that big guy has left us as well, even though he's still watching us. Joe sits down next to me. I look up, my eyes filling up with tears again. Joe pulls me in for a really tight hug. I start crying again. He pulls me against him and I shake my head. "Joe, I'm so sorry, I'm so stupid.." He shakes his head and squeezes me a bit. "You're not stupid, and don't be sorry."
I pull back a bit. "But I am sorry, I'm ruining your holiday, I'm ruining this day." He shakes his head and gently takes hold of my hand. "You can't do anything about it, and not to forget, you're the one I want to be with, I don't care whether it's difficult or not, you are you. And I love you."
I want to say it back, that I love him too, but I can't manage to say it at all. I'm fighting my own thoughts right now. I hate myself. I do love him. I DO love him. Yes, I honestly do, but why does it feel so wrong to say it. "You don't need to say it." He smiles a bit but I know him too well and notice it's fake. "I'm so sorry Joe, I'm.. My head is just.. Ugh."
I get up and run to the sea. As soon as I'm far enough into the sea, I let myself fall into the cold water. The feeling of that ice cold water surrounding your no longer warm skin makes me feel calm. I want to stay here, under water, forever.
I'm so sorry Joe.
I feel my breath fading away. My thoughts are going quicker than ever. I struggle with every bit of my body what's wanting to breath. I think of Joe.
I look at Zoe's confused face and her walking away from me. She opens the front door and I hear a man voice talking. "Am I no longer welcome here?" Zoe laughs and lets him in. "Kayla is inside, I'm not sure if she's okay with it." I laugh a bit and answer the question she didn't ask. "I'm okay with it!" Zoe laughs and before I know she and a guy walk into the room. I recognize him of the pictures Lia showed me. "Kayla, this is Joe, my brother."
Loads of funny and old memories come as flashes into my head. Swimming, running, just laughing, our first kiss.. I come back to the real world, back from the flashback, me being underwater. I push my feet against the ground to get above the water again. I fucking love Joe. This dream is not going to ruin my life, the life I want to spend with Joe.