As a surgical resident, there is literally nothing worse than waking up to a page. Except this page was my neurosurgeon roommate. I really need my own place.
The banging on my door at 4 A.M. woke me up instantly. I can tell the difference when it comes to the knocking. When Derek literally put all of his weight into his fist against my door at this hour, something is wrong.
I ran to the door and opened it right away. "Who's dying?" I asked groggily and rubbed my eyes.
"Car accident with a pregnant woman. Bad head trauma. I don't know the details but she's going to need a craniotomy. You in?" He rambled.
"Let me get my stuff." I replied, went back into my room and collected my belongings. Whenever there is a last minute brain surgery in the middle of the night, he always asks me. Always. Derek is my mentor. He is the reason I will probably go with neuro as my specialty. But that is also because I haven't had a cardio-god to work with in the longest time.
We carpooled to the hospital. Sometimes, he drives so fast I think he is going to crash the car.
As soon as we got there, we went straight to the O.R. and scrubbed in. We saw Arizona and Alex working on the baby.
"What's her status?" Derek asked as soon as we stepped foot into the operating room.
"Mom's heart rate and B.P. has been fluctuating, but she's ready for you." Alex replied.
"Alright, let's prep her for a craniotomy." Derek said as soon as he saw the scans. I nodded and prepared the woman. She's so young.
As we were into the surgery, Derek started talking to me. "Who's service are you on this week? I tried to put you on mine but you were taken."
"I am on Arizona's. According to Chief, I need a peds rotation, so I am on it with Avery and Percy." I replied. Joy. Cannot wait to deal with those two after this morning.
"Oh, peds is fun." He chuckled.
Is it? I have not done peds since my intern years. I don't mind it. I love working with Arizona, but I do not know if I will love working with Avery and Percy. Lately, Avery has been tolerable. Percy is the worst.
—
When the surgery was finished, I went into an on call room and slept for as long as I could. My alarm was going off before I could even blink.
I walked over to the peds unit where Jackson, Owen, Charles, Callie and Arizona already were. Am I late?
"You look-" Percy started with a chuckle but I held up my hand.
"Not a word." I said quickly. I know I look exhausted.
"She's been here since 5 A.M. doing an emergency craniotomy, Charles. Don't speak." Owen stuck up for me. That makes up for him replacing me with Avery for my surgery a few weeks ago.
"Okay, I know this is the first time on a peds rotation with me for some of you. Not for others. But I wanted you to understand that I run my peds unit a little differently than you may be used to. This is not general surgery in miniature. These are the tiny humans. These are children. They believe in magic. They play pretend. There is fairy dust in their I.V. bags. They hope and they cross their fingers and they make wishes. And that makes them more resilient than adults. They recover faster, survive worse. They believe. In peds, we have miracles and magic. In peds, anything is possible." Arizona explained. It is sweet. It really is, but I have already seen the inside of a brain this morning. I am not sure if I am ready for rainbows and fairy dust.
I gave her the charts and followed after her. I heard Charles and Jackson mutter something to each other. I just ignored them. In the minimal times I've spent with Jackson, I can already tell he is a completely different person with Charles than he is with anyone else. I hate when people are like that and I hope that is not how this rotation go.
We went into the first room to see a small child in a lab coat holding a clipboard. Am I seeing things?
I rubbed my eyes and he was still there. So, this is real.
"Morning, Dr. Robbins." He spoke.
"Good morning, Dr. Wallace. I see that you've already introduced yourself to Mr. and Mrs. Boyd." Arizona smiled.
"Yes. Reminds me of Hillary at that age. Such an overachiever." Hillary's mom said.
"Dr. Hana, why don't you present?" Callie suggested.
It's not that I don't like children. It's just that I haven't really been around them.
I nodded and walked over to Hillary's bed where Wallace.
"Um, excuse me, little...doctor boy." I said wearily. Wallace took a couple steps forward.
"Uh, Hillary Boyd, 15 years old, fell off the roof of her house. 52 acute fractures were diagnosed when she was admitted last night. An intricate and extremely challenging O.R.I.F. surgery was performed by Dr. Torres and Dr. Hunt this morning before rounds." I spoke. I could barely believe everything I was saying.
"Thank you, Dr. Hana." Owen replied.
"If she fairs well today, I'd like to go in tomorrow to repair her subtrochanteric fracture next." Callie added.
"Can anyone tell me the proper dosage of ceftriaxone for a pediatric patient?" Arizona asked.
Before I even had the chance to breath, Jackson answered, "50 milligrams per kilogram per day."
"Mhm. And Dr. Wallace, can you tell me the proper dose for this patient if she were 42 kilograms?" Arizona asked.
Wallace started writing on his clipboard and I watched him do the math. "2.1 grams per day, if you carry the decimal."
Are all kids like Wallace? If so, I'll take one.
We then moved to Wallace's room.
"Okay, who's presenting?" Arizona asked.
"I am, Dr. Robbins." Wallace replied. Alright, then.
"Proceed." Arizona encouraged.
"Wallace Anderson, 10 years old, almost 11, been here for 7 months, in and out over the past two years. Suffers from short gut syndrome which means I can't properly absorb nutrition." He spoke. Oh, poor kid.
"Exactly. Dr. Percy?" Arizona said.
"Uh, 15 intestinal surgeries to date, plus a bowel lengthening procedure, which helped for a while, but recently, has had to go back to being fed through T.P.N." Percy added.
In walked Wallace's parents. "How'd he do this morning?" His mom asked.
"We covered some pretty advanced algebraic conversions." Arizona smiled.
"Dr. Robbins helps me with my math and science homework by letting me go on rounds." Wallace told us.
I raised my eyebrows and looked to Jackson behind me. "Fascinating."
He just smiled and chuckled. I really do not know how to be with kids.
"We try to keep his life as normal as we can, even living in a hospital." His dad replied.
"But, I can skip homework on Friday, right, since it's my birthday?" Wallace asked
"Since it's your birthday." His mom nodded.
I looked over to see Lexie joining us.
"What about Dr. Robbins? It's her birthday, too." Wallace added. I did not know that.
"I'm afraid I can't skip my homework, Wallace, but I can come celebrate with you like I promised." She smiled and nodded before gesturing us out of the room.
To work, we go.
—
At the end of the night, I was sitting in the locker room, getting ready to leave. Jackson came in to get his stuff and head out, too.
"Are you just Shepherd's favorite?" He asked me. That was random. And mildly insulting.
I looked up at him, "Excuse me?"
"W-Well, I...When Hunt said you were here early this morning for a craniotomy, he didn't page anyone else. I was wondering if it was because you're his favorite...or is it because Meredith is out for a while?" He rambled. I just stared at him like he was insane. "I didn't word that any better, did I?"
"No. You didn't." I replied and grabbed my stuff.
"Sorry." He said quickly.
I was about to head out of the door but I stopped before I got there. "Derek asked me to come in because I live with him, Meredith, and Alex and I have for about 3 years. He also asked me because neuro is my favorite specialty along with cardio. He wants the credit if I decide neuro."
Jackson nodded. "Well, I haven't seen you do cardio but you're pretty badass in neuro."
A compliment? That's off. I just chuckled it off. "Thanks."
With that, I headed home for the night.
—
Arizona told me first thing this morning that Wallace's parents are donating $25 million dollars to the hospital for research on his condition. My jaw dropped to the floor. She also warned me that Wallace had a bad night last night and she was running more scans. Poor kid.
Jackson met me in Hillary's room for a checkup. We had to feel around all of the bones that were broken. She's banged up pretty badly.
I moved the blanket and checked her hip.
"A nurse just checked that." She told me.
"Yeah, a nurse checked it, I'm gonna check it, and three other people in the O.R. are gonna check it. We're thorough." I replied to her. She didn't reply.
Owen and Callie entered the room. "Mr. and Mrs. Boyd, I thought you should know that Hillary's tox screens from yesterday show signs of psilocybin in her bloodstream."
Oh shit. Jackson and I shared a knowing look.
"What does that mean?" Mr. Boyd asked.
"Well, it means she fell from the roof, she was, uh-" Owen said but trailed off.
"Shrooming." Jackson finished for him.
"Yeah."
"Magic mushrooms."
"What? Hillary!" Her mom exclaimed. Here we go. A reason why I do not like peds.
"You know, I can't believe..you're a disappointment, young lady, a big, big, disappointment." Her dad told her. That's harsh.
"Dad, please. Okay, the last thing I am is a disappointment. I get straight A's. I'm on honor roll. I run the student council. I basically am the school paper, and I tutor kids with reading problems. Okay? I'm every parents dream come true, including yours. I was exploring the bounds of my consciousness with the help of a mushroom. I made a calculated risk going on that roof. Falling off, well, that was a low-probability event, and even low-probability events occasionally occur, and this one did. So yeah, you're bummed I miscalculated 'cause it reminds you of your own fallibility. I'm bummed, too. Let's just leave it at that." She went on. Jackson and I were smiling at each other the whole time.
Well, then. Honestly, if my parents called me a disappointment I would probably have the same reaction. They would have never though. It was a line we didn't cross.
—
Owen, Callie, Jackson and I were working on Hillary's surgery in the OR. I don't mind ortho procedures. They just tire me out because you're using your entire body. Unfortunately for this one, we all have to be very close. If we didn't have masks, I would literally be breathing into Owen's ear.
Owen and I have been on quite a few surgeries as of late. We have an interesting dynamic. He is one of those surgeons that are hard on you because they know you can take it to the next level. He knows I'm a good surgeon and I have the opportunity to be one of the best in this hospital, so he has always been tough on me. Him and Bailey are like that with me, Cristina, Mer, and Alex. Ironically, the same class of interns.
"Well, it looks like you used pretty much every piece of hardware in this hospital." Owen joked. The amount of metal going into this child's body is enough to make a machine.
"Yeah, it makes you think twice about shrooming on a roof." Callie retorted. I did shrooms once. I hated it.
"Yeah, and the mouth on this one? If I talked to my parents like that..." Owen trailed off.
"Oh, my father would've...I don't even want to know." Callie replied.
"I had perfect grades, perfect record, but I was never really...rude to my parents. My grandparents maybe. They were assholes. It wasn't until I got to college when I...experimented with different things." I added. College was a blur. The first two years, at least. I slept with a TA once and he gave me an A on every paper for the semester. It was a stupid required philosophy course. I wonder how he's doing.
"Want to hear about my childhood?" Jackson asked. No one replied. "No? Okay, I'll just uh, think about it quietly in my own head." He muttered. I remember being the new kid here.
"Alright, nails in, everything's tight. Let's take a look." Callie said. Owen pulled up the x-ray machine and we saw everything in place. "Fantastic."
All of the sudden, the monitor started beeping rapidly. What the hell is going on?
"End-tidal CO2 just dropped from 34 to 22." Jackson announced. She was doing so good.
"Come on, give me a break here, Hillary." I huffed and looked at a different machine. I saw something I don't like to see. Especially, in 15 year olds. "She has a new murmur." I pointed out and moved the x-ray over her chest. Fuck. "There's an air embolus in her heart."
"Alright, flood the field with saline." Callie exclaimed. Jackson did that.
"Give me the bone wax. Page cardio and set up a chest tray." Owen added. I can help her before she crashes.
"And put her in trendelenburg. I can aspirate it." I spoke.
I went to move but Owen stopped me. "No, no, we wait for cardio and we try to find the source."
Come on.
"It'll take me 30 seconds. It might take cardio a half hour to get here. We don't have that kind of time." I argued. I can do this. I have before.
"Dr. Hana-" Owen tried but I cut him off.
"I've done this before. I know what I'm doing. She could arrest at any moment." I kept going. This is crucial to do or she could die.
"Dr. Hana, no. End of discussion." Owen said while his eyes burned into mine. It looked like he was trying to test me. What is going on with him? He's never done this to me.
The monitor kept beeping. I just stared at Hillary. I turned back to Owen. "We can't waste this time dealing with this down here when we should be dealing with the heart problem directly. This is her heart, Dr. Hunt." I urged. She's 15. She can't die of a heart problem at 15. Not on my watch.
"We are following protocol. Cardio is on its way, and we can find the source of the embolus this way." He replied. He was just digging through her bone. The embolus is in her chest. Not her hip. We're going to take too long.
I looked at Hillary and took a deep breath. I know what I should do. What I have to do. I am just going to get in so much trouble for it.
"Screw it." I muttered and walked around to the other side. I got the tray and got ready to cut her open.
"Dr. Hana, the patient is not coding, and you are not qualified to do this." Owen stated. Yeah, he's pissed. I shouldn't have to wait until she's about to die to be able to do something.
I ignored him. "Opening the left chest." I announced with the scalpel in my hand.
"Oh, Hana, really?" Callie exclaimed.
"Turn on the fluoro." I said, ignoring her too.
"Dr. Hana!" Owen yelled.
"Will someone please step on the fluoro or do you want me to go in blind?" I looked up and asked. I'm not backing away at this point. Her B.P. is still dropping and it will continue to if we don't do something.
"Dr. Hana, put down that scalpel!" Owen yelled. Can't do that.
I sent a pleading look to Jackson. After a second, he tossed the equipment he was using and went to turn on the machine. Someone listens.
The machine went on and I could see right where the embolus was. Owen was yelling at me but I tuned him out and focused on Hillary. I opened her chest cavity and used another piece of equipment to hold it open. I grabbed the needle and got the embolus in less than 30 seconds.
"Cardio's here, Hana." Callie told me. Too little, too late.
"It's done. I'm done. Air embolus out." I spoke and retracted the needle.
I love neuro but the rush of cardio.
We concluded the surgery and I was in the middle of scrubbing out. Owen was pissed. He wasn't speaking to me. Normally I wouldn't care but I know he's mad.
"The patient was crashing." I defended.
"She was not crashing." He replied right away. She was on the cusp. A second longer and she would have.
"It was a procedure I've done before. I handled it and she's fine." I said to him. My voice was strong.
"Yeah, but what if she wasn't? You could have lacerated her heart or cut the phrenic nerve. She could've died on that table. What then? It would have been your license." He went on.
"No "what if's". I did the procedure and did it perfectly. Cardio was taking too long and if we didn't do anything she would have died, and not because of me. Because of you. I did it to stabilize the patient while you watched her vitals drop." I argued.
"Waiting for a C.T. surgeon who would've been able to take a more minimally invasive approach. I could've done a thoracotomy myself if I had thought it was indicated. I kinda know what I'm doing, Florence." He yelled back.
"Then, why didn't you do anything?" I asked.
"Because that's not what protocol is!"
Screw protocol is what I wanted to say. I figured that would have angered him more.
I just looked down at my feet. Sure, it wasn't the best thing I could've done. I could've waited and risked her life even more like G.I. Joe over here. I am a surgeon. I save lives. That is my job.
"You know I have to report this to the Chief, right? He is scouring this place looking for people to fire." He said. I saw that coming.
"Tell the Chief. I'll even go with you, if you want. He's not going to fire me." I stated. That, I know for sure.
"And why is that?" He challenged.
"Because the last time I did that procedure for an embolus was with him in his O.R. Only he was giving me words of encouragement, not screaming in my ear." I huffed.
He didn't like that one. He walked right out of the room. I just rolled my eyes.
Jackson entered the room and washed his hands.
"For the record, you rocked that in there. Hunt's just jealous he didn't do it himself. Badass in neuro and in cardio." He told me. I'm sure that's not why he's mad but I'll take the compliment.
I just chuckled and looked down. "Thanks." At least someone is on my side.
With that, I walked out of the room where I was stopped by Cristina.
"Why is Owen so pissed at you?" She asked. Here we go again.
"I did an open thoracatomy on a patient who was crashing." I replied bad kept walking. She followed me.
"That's brilliant! Why is he so mad?"
"Because it was against his wishes."
"Bitches." She huffed.
—
The talk did not end when I got home.
"What were you thinking?" Derek exclaimed.
"I was thinking if everyone just stood there and did nothing, that child would have died." I replied, not looking back at him as I went up the stairs. I heard his footsteps come after me.
"Florence, you did an unauthorized procedure in the O.R. If something went wrong, that would have ended your career." He replied.
"But nothing went wrong because I am a good surgeon and I know what I am doing. A surgeon that you taught, might I add. Do I have to remind you about the spinal tumor you weren't supposed to operate on?"
He was silent because he knew I was right. Everyone in that hospital is a hypocrite.
"Fine. You're lucky you're good at what you do." He huffed and finally stopped yelling.
"Can I please go to bed now or do you have more yelling to do?" I asked him.
"I'm finished." He let out.
I went into my room and went to fucking sleep.
—
The next day, I was in Hillary's room checking her vital's. She was on the phone.
"They say I can have visitor's tomorrow....Cool. And uh, do you have any loops? Or whatever you have. They only have me on 2 milligrams of morphine at a time....I know, how lame is that?" She went on.
That's it.
I took the phone out of her hand and started speaking. "Hey, little pusher girl. I'm Hillary's doctor. And now I have Hillary's phone. So I'm gonna give this number to the police. How lame is that?" I asked, hung up and have Hillary her phone back.
"What the hell?" She exclaimed.
"Okay, I know you think you can do anything and say anything and handle anything and that's, you know, almost true, except for the fact that you fell off a roof 'cause you were so high that you, what, you thought you could fly? Your bone surgery almost turned into open heart surgery due to a heart complication and you almost died because your body is so strung out from all the crap you've been putting in it that it almost shut down completely. That doesn't make you smarter than everyone else, it makes you an idiot. The only reason you're alive is because you're lucky you had a team of very good surgeons. Just, grow up." I went on and stormed out.
This is why I do not work in peds.
—
It's Arizona's birthday and Callie set up a surprise party in their apartment. The entire staff was there.
She walked in the door and we all yelled "Surprise!"
She started crying instantly. Does she not like surprises? She could barely form a sentence from all of the crying. Callie ran out to comfort her.
I was about 3 beers in at this point and I am feeling it. I needed this after the week I've had.
After about an hour, I walked out into the hallway to get some air. Jackson was walking toward me.
"Florence-" He stopped himself. "Can I Florence you? Are we at that point?"
I chuckled. "I suppose we are."
"Okay, Florence, let me just tell you that was incredibly hot in the O.R. yesterday. Very deeply hot. It was hot. You were hot. Are." He rambled as he took a sip of his beer.
I just chuckled and looked down at my feet. Am I blushing?
No, it's just the alcohol. My cheeks heat up when I'm drunk.
He has never complimented me like this. I mean, complimenting my skills is one thing, but this is different.
"You're drunk. I'm drunk." Is what I replied. I looked at his face. Why did I never notice how hot he was?
Do not go there, Florence. I said I'd stop sleeping with my coworkers. I'm already jumping the gun.
"I am in fact inebriated but, it's legal. And even if it wasn't, you're the rule breaker, which I think we established in surgery." He said as he took another sip.
Did he really think that of me?
"Did you really think that was hot?" I asked. Why did I ask that? What has gotten into me?
"Would it be really, really bad if I just- you know, 'cause of the whole embolus thing and you in general- could I just..." He trailed off and stepped closer and closer to me.
Next thing I knew, his lips were on mine. I was not expecting this.
I did something I wouldn't normally do. I kissed him back and ran my hands around his shoulders.
His hands settled at my hips and he soon moved me so my back was against the wall. Our lips didn't disconnect once in that movement.
It wasn't until his lips were on my neck that I realized what was happening.
Fuck, no. I can't do this.
I pulled away after a moment and just stared at him with wide eyes. What did I just do?
I didn't say anything. I just walked down the hall and outside. This is not what I do. This is the opposite of what I do.
I called Meredith right away.
"I need you or Derek to come get me."
"What? Why-"
"I just did something really embarrassing and out of character and I need to leave here now."
"O-Okay, I'm on my way." She replied and hung up.
What the hell did I just do?
The more concerning question is, why did I like it?