"Your fans must have been beyond shocked of the news. I mean even I was really saddened that it's over between you and Jennie. However, does that also mean that we won't be seeing JenLisa working together anytime soon?"
My eyes darted to Lisa. Even when she's just on my television screen, I can't help but feel like she's staring through my soul. It was obvious that her eyes became teary as she turned to the interviewer once again with a small, pained smile on her face.
"I'm really not sure what the future holds but if given the chance to, and if things between us are still good, then why not? I'll be open for it," she clasps her hands together and stares at them while deep in thought, "I don't think I can ever close my doors for Jennie. I think it goes both ways, that's how we ended things still in good terms."
"That's really mature, I can really see how deep your relationship with her is," Jihyo comments, making Lisa smile at her sadly.
I gripped tight on the throw pillow I'm holding. I've been on the verge of crying since the start of her interview. I don't even know if it's a good thing to watch it. It's been two months since our break up, and it's the first time one of us has spoken and I gave her full support on it.
She's promoting her new movie so it's inevitable that she'll be asked this question since the public has been buzzing over it for weeks now.
"Yeah, she played a huge part in my life so it was a bit hard to break the news for everyone to know... that it's over between us," she then stared at the camera, making my tears finally escape, "She still does, and probably always will hold an important piece of me. I guess it's just that she once was the biggest part of it... of my life. So I want to thank her, and I want her to know that I'll always have her back."
"Me too," I whisper, sobbing as I finally pressed the button to turn off the television.
That's when the silence welcomed me again, and the only thing that can be heard were my sobs, wishing I could turn back the time and make it right with her.
It's all my fault.
I am unstable.
It was the very same reason I was skeptical about entering a relationship, but she managed to get my attention. I quickly became fond of her. I thought it would be fine and I would get better because I am with her. But it was hard to give her my all when I was always so busy fighting my own demons.
"Streets were saying the nation's first love Jennie Kim is problematic," Lalisa Manoban, a well-known child star who grew up to be the finest woman alive, gave me a small smile as she sat on the director's chair beside me inside the tent.
I'm alone in here after that incident earlier... where I kind of walked out after knowing I'd have to sleep in the same room as four other casts. I wouldn't have accepted the guesting offer if I knew it beforehand.
"Well... I'd understand if you'll think the same," I sighed, "That was so embarrassing, I'm so sorry."
Like me, she's also a guest on this variety show and although I've been working as an actress for almost two years now it's my first time talking to her, and the third time I've seen her in person. She looks breath taking specially in person. The brunette has this badass persona but you could feel her easy going nature. She really belongs to this kind of industry, whereas I'm kind of struggling. I'm still a rookie and for sure a few days from now, or maybe just minutes, I'll be the talk of the town for my attitude.
"Actually I'm not here to act like an entitled senior in the industry and lecture you about these things, but hey I'm not judging you. I'm not a saint either."
"Yeah but..." I shyly pouted, "Everyone loves you since you were a kid. Staffs and production teams praise you all the time for your work ethic."
"But that doesn't mean I wasn't having my fair share of bad days. Trust me, my manager's growing silver strands of hair because of me," she chuckled, shaking her head, "But you know what? They will understand if you were only reacting based on how you truly felt. I'm not saying we should make up an excuse, but we're just humans. We get tired, there are certain things we dislike... or are afraid of."
Her last words made me feel vulnerable. Like I was suddenly so exposed to her. She knows I wasn't just acting up.
I was scared to sleep around other people because I am ashamed of how my nightmares haunt me. Of how I still see my long dead father in my dreams, angrily hitting me whenever he wants to. Ever since I was a kid, he's always made it a point to show how much he hates me. My mother died giving birth to me. My stepmother died protecting me when I was carelessly crossing the street as a kid. I never once felt like he was my father but I understood why he hated me. It was all my fault.
He became more violent after the death of my stepmom. Specially when he's drunk. It started with a slap, and then eventually it was always his fist on my stomach. I guess he knew hitting me on the face would cause him trouble.
One day, I went home and found him lifeless on the floor. He overdosed. It still scares me whenever I envision it. Because of me, he died.
"I talked to the team by the way, they admitted it was a mistake on their part because of the sudden changes we had to share a room. But they said they'll do something about it so don't worry," she smiles, "I'd rather sleep in my van too, you know? It's much comfortable than sleeping in a room with comedians that might pull a prank on me anytime."
I smiled a little at her joke, making me feel a bit at ease.
"That would be a good content if they'll film it."
"Thank goodness the men are on a separate room. I couldn't really trust Hee Chul with his pranks. The whole nation will be laughing at me."
I giggled, agreeing. "Good thing we've got the funniest hosts. I mean there's a reason why I preferred doing heavier roles than starring on romantic comedies. I'm very boring."
"Oh but you're very savage and that's funny. You break men's hearts, that's very adorable of you," she grins.
She must be talking about that running man episode where I kept flirting jokingly with the host. For some reason, the public likes it when I'm being savage.
I felt my cheeks grew hot with the way she said I'm adorable and with the way she's staring at me. Honestly, I was glad Lisa was there. She really made things bearable and fun for me all throughout the shooting.
We became close after that day, and we even got to interact more because of some endorsements we shared.
"Wow, you look... wow," she nervously chuckles, giving me a once over then smiled at me, "I don't wanna look like a potato next to you, what am I gonna do?"
It was our first photoshoot together for this clothing line. I was wearing a black low neck dress with thin straps and a small veil hat on, while she's even more stunning with her wearing a black suit, the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. Her newly dyed blonde hair looks so good on her.
"You're anything but a potato," I smiled shyly, "I mean have you checked out the mirror, Miss Lalisa?"
She grinned wide. "I intentionally said that so you would compliment me."
It was hard not to smile all throughout the photoshoot when she's being too goofy. Even my manager likes it when I'm with Lisa. She told me Lisa makes me smile a lot.
"Closer," the photographer instructed as we sat in front of each other, "Now look at each other."
I would be awkward. It's always the case when I'm on a pictorial with some actors I'm partnered with... but with Lisa, we just found it hard to be serious. Even I was laughing so hard.
"Okay, okay. I think I've got it," I looked apologetically at the photographer who only smiled and told us to take our time. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and tried to be more serious.
Opening my eyes, I was met with her deep set of doe eyes that got me serious as I got lost in them. They were really pretty. And they're staring at me like I've got interesting eyes as well.
-
"It's like Kuma's chasing away the bad dreams," I tell her, smiling as we both watched Kuma run around my living room. "I still get nightmares once in a while but it's like he's sensing it so he wakes me up by licking my face and snuggling with me."
At this point, Lisa knows pretty much everything about me. We're always hanging out, so when she went abroad for almost a month for a movie the last time I really missed her a lot but I wouldn't admit it.
"I'm glad you're doing fine Jennie," she takes my hand softly on her lap, her thumb stroking the back of it in a circular pattern that calms me.
Oh God, I'm so doomed because it's only supposed to be a friendly gesture but I wished it was more. But I could never deserve her.
It took me by surprise to realize that I was already leaning forward to her. No, she was the one taken by surprise. I just couldn't help it. I wanted to feel those soft plump lips against mine, and I confirmed how soft they were when she cupped my cheek and gave me a short but tender kiss. I still got my eyes closed, my forehead resting against hers as I dwelled on the feeling...
...and then it scared me.
"Lisa I can't," I whispered. It's the most broken I've felt after a long time. One moment I was on ecstasy, the next I was feeling so stupid for wanting something I can't have.
"I won't force you into anything but Jennie, for what it's worth I want you to know that you make me really happy and that if you think your battles would be a burden for me, maybe it would. But I would gladly help you carry them because you don't deserve those things that happened to you. You are a good person, alright?" she whispers against my lips while my eyes were still closed, and I just couldn't help but shed a tear.
"I really like you but I'm scared..." I mutter in a shaky voice as I opened my eyes.
Her doe eyes were really comforting.
"I really like you too..." she smiled sadly and for that I was so disappointed at myself. Maybe we can make this work. I will try to be better for her so I can deserve her. I just don't want to lose her.
"Can I ask you something?" I looked at her.
She nods, her thumb wiping away my tears.
"Am I being selfish thinking you're probably my last shot at happiness and I don't want to let you go?"
"No. You're not," she closes her eyes as she rests her forehead on mine once again, "You deserve to be happy."
My fingertips on her jaw, I dipped my head and pressed my lips on hers as I answer, "I won't ever let you go."
-
"Hey, what brought you here?" Lisa looks at me wide eyed as she opened the door wider for me to enter, "Come in."
It's been a few days since that interview. Taking a look at her surroundings, I noticed the mess around the living room. Lisa was obviously too busy to clean it up again, probably just getting home to sleep and then leave again for work.
"Do you have time? To talk?" I looked at Lisa who is now fully dressed, looks like she has to leave soon.
"Yeah sure, what is this about? I still have an hour before I need to leave. By the way, have you eaten? Do you want tea?"
"It's fine Lis, it won't take long I just..."
Lisa raised her brows, stopping on her tracks and then turning around to face me. I suddenly grew nervous. We still talk on the phone once in a while, she was making sure I'm alright and I wanted to make sure she is too. But I haven't seen her in person in so long. I really missed her.
I cleared my throat. "Your manager told me about the drama with Nancy."
Her brows furrowed at what I said. She sighed. "He asked you to convince me, didn't he?"
"Why wouldn't you take the offer, Lis? I mean it's fine if you have a problem with the story or production itself, but he's worried because it's a very big opportunity and I really hope you're not letting it go because of me..." I bit my lip.
Nancy is her ex. Honestly we haven't really fought over other men or women except that one time when...
"We were just catching up."
"I know. It's fine Lis," I muttered coldly, taking a sip of my drink.
We ended up being distant the whole time at the after party of the award show we both attended. All because of my stupid emotions. But I'm a woman myself, I know by the way Nancy is looking at her that she's still attracted to Lisa. And I know it's not Lisa's fault that I felt threatened, but the feeling that everyone will eventually leave and hate me kept bugging my mind.
Maybe it was the alcohol, but when I went to look for Lisa once again and saw her talking to Nancy again... I grew worried.
"You've been avoiding me all night," Lisa mutters as she was driving us home that night.
"Hmm?" I shifted my gaze to her.
She glanced at me briefly. "Were you jealous?"
"Jealous? Of Nancy?" I laughed mockingly. Yes.
"So what was it then?" she sounds offended.
"Nothing, alright? Doesn't it ever occur to you that maybe we don't always have to stick to each other like every damn second of everyday?" I defensively said, and I wish I hadn't said that.
"If you want your space, just say so. I'm sorry for being suffocating," there was that hurt and bitterness etched in her voice. I've just hurt her and now it was her turn to give me the cold shoulder.
"That's not what I meant..."
She pulled out to my driveway. As if waiting for me to climb out to my car so she can get as far away from me as she can.
Sighing, I placed a hand on her arm to try and make her look at me but she fixed her gaze outside the car.
"Come on Lis, just park it in my garage and stay the night..."
"No it's fine, I should go home," she answers coldly.
"I didn't mean what I said earlier. I'm sorry..."
Her grip on the wheel remained, I was beginning to lose hope. She's really angry. So stupid, Jennie.
So with every ounce of desperation I've got left in me, I maneuvered my way to her lap and I successfully caught her gaze in mine.
"You don't have to do this-"
"No, I feel terrible. I shouldn't have said that but I was so jealous it was stupid," I wrapped my arms around her nape, and thank God I chose to wear this cocktail dress instead of a long gown. "Please stay?"
"Are you sure you didn't mean that? I really don't want to suffocate you," she says it sincerely, and now I feel really bad for making her overthink.
"You're not! I want to always be with you, I don't care if it's every second of everyday," I mutter, kissing her lips once, "I love you so much."
She kissed me back and I finally relaxed.
"I love you too Jennie. So much."
It was worth it being at the front page of the headlines with our pictures taken by paparazzi at that time, making out in her car. What matters is we were able to fixed our problem then.
"Jennie I assure you whatever my choices are, I won't regret it."
"If you can look me in the eye and say you declining the show with Nancy has nothing to do with me, then I'll let you do whatever you want," I said in determination.
I looked at her sternly while she tried to do the same before eventually faltering.
"She's my ex!"
"If you didn't want to work with her because she's your ex then fine but if it's because you're considering what I feel, Lisa, I need to remind you that it's already over between us."
"I didn't forget that Jennie, I was part of that relationship that you decided to end," she sat on the couch, looking across the room with her eyes cold, "And I gave you what you wanted."
"We already talked about this..." I mutter weakly, feeling lost once again. And vulnerable.
It brought me back to that night.
It's my father's death anniversary, which Lisa wasn't aware of. I was also all over the tabloids with my picture on a hotel with a rich CEO a decade older than me. We weren't in a room, we simply bumped into each other on my way to my room then separated soon enough but they still used that photo to insinuate something.
"I know you're not cheating on me," Lisa kneels before me on the floor, looking desperate, "If you say so, I'll believe you. Just please... talk to me. We share this burden together, remember?"
That's my problem. I will always have days like this where I'll always be reminded of my traumatic past. Of the deaths I've caused.
Only today was worse because both my past and present were beating me to death. And I don't want Lisa to carry this burden. I want her safe from my demons.
I'll always have this broken part of me and I don't want her to get trapped fixing it every time I succumb to the darkness.
"Leave me alone," I whisper lifelessly.
"No," she stubbornly says. "You don't... You don't have to say anything. Just let me stay. I promise I'll make it bearable for you. I'll call my lawyers-"
"It's just harder with you trying to meddle with everything Lisa! Can't you see I want to be alone?" I bursted out with silent tears in my eyes, "I. Want. To. Be. Alone."
"Don't do this," she begs, "Don't shut me out again."
"You can't handle me. It was a mistake this went beyond friendship," I stated calmly, numb from the pain. "I wish we stuck to that instead."
Dread was in her eyes. But I saw defeat in them.
"I don't think you would've let me in either way. You never let anyone in, Jennie. I thought I was getting closer there," she points to my heart, "But each time I take a step closer, your walls grow higher."
I fought back the sobs at the back of my throat.
"I love you so much Jen. Always. So I'm giving you what you want, but if it becomes too much... I will never close my doors on you. Even if it's only a friend you'll need, I can be that for you."
Maybe I was cursed. I drive away everyone I love. I hurt them. I would never forgive myself if I kill Lisa too, just like my mothers and father.
"I'm worn out of that kind of movie they wanted me to take part in with Nancy, alright?" she sighs, walking to the table and taking a thick folder. "I'm more interested in this one. I know your company has probably rejected it already because it's not the type you would participate in so keep this copy instead, give it a read. The director himself told me he wanted to cast you and if you want to, the audition for the role is still ongoing."
"But-"
"I think I need to go. Call me if you need me. Just no more of this Nancy stuff."
-
A few hours later, I found myself smiling while finishing the initial draft of the script Lisa gave me.
It's a romantic comedy. Lisa was right, my company probably have turned it down in my behalf like I instructed them to with this kind of movie.
I like that it's light and funny but with a great lesson. But can I pull off the character of a woman filled with passion, love and enthusiasm at this state?
Still, I called my company and asked them to let me audition on this movie which surprised them. They were glad I was willing to try this genre but also hesitant because Lisa would be my partner if I pass the auditions. It would be our first time acting as lovers.
But I noted that our separate scenes would be more than the ones we would have to take together so I know I could keep my feelings in check. Literally, we would only be together on the beginning and end of the movie. The middle part would be us trying to find each other, a series of events that would eventually lead us together after missing each other in places we thought we could find the other. That's how serendipity works. It's fate.
So a month later, everything was set. Lisa was still finishing another movie so I had to shoot some of my scenes first.
I was full of excitement as Sara Thomas was the kind of girl who was willing to believe in something as strong as fate. But later on, she pushed herself to work on finding Lisa's character before it's too late. She had her adventures, not wanting to just leave it all to fate anymore who did nothing all those years they were apart and the only thing they knew of each other were their first names.
"How are you?" Lisa asks the moment she arrives on set with me for the first time, her smile wide and genuine. "I heard compliments from the director. He said you're perfect for the role. Now I'm pressured."
I laughed. "It was a lot more fun than I thought, yeah. It was just a bit hard to imagine how you would play your role so now I'll know."
"I'm really glad we took this movie together Jennie," she tells me sincerely, making my smile fade a little.
I missed her. The only other time I met her was when we had our screen chemistry test and our script reading conference where we only interacted briefly due to our schedules.
"It's all thanks to you for making me try," I said shyly.
"It's fun, isn't it? Acting is like a form of therapy for me so I enjoy every kind of film, as long as it takes me away from reality and my problems in it," she said.
She's right. That's how I feel with acting but the roles I took frequently are the ones I could relate to. That's why I got acknowledged for emotionally bruised characters that I played. I just never thought a romantic comedy would make me fall in love with the idea of love again. And life in general.
It made me wish I was Sara in real life.
It wasn't hard to act attracted to Lisa. It wasn't hard to act like we were having fun either. But if I could change anything in the plot, it would be to not count on fate because they'll be wasting years apart waiting for fate to meddle.
I wouldn't have let her go that easily if I was Sara.
But as Jennie, I did.
"That's a wrap everybody! See you tomorrow!" the director shouts and we all cheered as if it wasn't a tiring day for all of us.
I smiled at everyone as I made my way back to the tent. There, I saw Lisa enthusiastically telling everyone to take care and also thanking them for their hard work. She never really loses her energy.
"Hey, you were so great out there. Make sure to get lots of rest, alright?" she comes to me with that big smile on her face.
"You too." I blinked away the pounding in my chest.
"Jennie," manager Oppa came to me in a hurry, "The company van is on the way here when it broke down so I called them to send another one but it will take an hour. Do you want me to book a cab instead?"
"I can take her home," Lisa butts in, making him look at her in surprise.
"Oh, are you sure it's no trouble for you?" he asks her.
"I'm fine with waiting or taking the cab-"
"Of course," Lisa tells him, "You can join us."
"Oh no, I'll just wait for the van. I have to bring back some things to the company anyway," he then smiles at me, "Don't cause Lisa any trouble alright?"
"Oppa!" I huffed.
Lisa just laughed. "Let's go Jennie."
"He still adores you so much," I tell her while she drives me home. I missed being in her car.
"Only because you were less grumpy when you were with me," she barks a laugh.
"Not really," I protest.
"I have a confession," she smiles calmly with her eyes on the road, it made me nervous.
"What is it?"
"It was staged. I asked him to tell you that so I could have more time with you."
My eyes widened in their betrayal. But my heart skipped with her reason.
"Why?"
She shrugs. "I just felt like catching up. We haven't talked much outside work. I mean, we're still friends right? And we're working closely together. So... I wanted to know how you're doing."
I wanted to tell her she didn't have to go out of her way just to ask me that. I would've agreed to meet her outside work without questions asked.
"I'm... better," I nod, looking out the window, "Focusing on work. The usual. You're busier though, aren't you? This is already your third movie this year alone."
"I'm planning on retiring from acting next year so I'm making the most of it."
My heart dropped. I looked at her in shock. She's still smiling.
It doesn't make any sense. She's been doing this since she was a kid. Everyone loves her. Her projects never stopped coming.
"I know what you're thinking. They've all been telling me those things just to stop me," she glances at me. "But we all have different perspectives. For some, this may be a challenging career. But I've been doing it for years, I grew up in this industry. I still love my job but I want to experience a lot more things. Maybe try directing or producing movies. Or start my own business. Hell I don't know, maybe even settle down. That would be a big challenge so I'm down."
I know the last part, she was kidding. I remained serious.
"Don't look at me like that," she sighs. "Are you gonna stop me too?"
"No, I'm just a little surprised as your fan and colleague. I look up to you, you know?" I turned my body to her, "But I get what you mean. That's kind of how I felt with not trying more roles that are out of my comfort zone. I guess your comfort zone is wider but it's not limitless like I thought. Of course, you'd get tired too."
"Exactly," she grinned. "Not a lot of people would understand but I knew you would."
"It's because you have unrealistic expectations of me," I chuckled.
"You're right," she agrees, "I shouldn't pressure you like that again."
The air around us suddenly grew heavier.
I used our arrival on my place as an excuse to get away with it.
"Thanks for the ride. You're probably tired. Get home safely," I took off my seatbelt.
"Why didn't you tell me that was the day of his death anniversary?"
I stopped. My breath ragged.
"Would it change anything?" I mumbled, my eyes locked on the compartment in front of me.
"I would have understood. I would have been patient." She took her own seatbelt off. "I wouldn't have expected you to let me in if I only knew how tough that day—this life for you is. I'm not blaming you, Jennie. I just... I hate that I put you through all that and I'm sorry for not knowing enough."
Tears started building in my eyes.
She's apologizing for not knowing enough, even when it's because I didn't let her. She was right when she said I wasn't letting anyone in. I hate myself for it too.
"I'm sorry I can't do this," I muttered softly and got out of the car just before my tears started falling.
That night, it felt like it was my father's death anniversary again. That I broke up with Lisa again. And that I was all alone again, even when I've been alone for a long time.
It hurts. That's why it's so hard to let people in... loving them simply hurt. What more when they leave on their own accord?
I'm not sure how I managed to show up the next day and see her face to face again. She masked her worry with a desperate look, one that would suit her character. We're shooting our ending today after our short individual scenes.
I acted exasperated to be where her character is. Then acted disappointed that she wasn't there, when the real life Lisa was actually beside the director, watching me intently.
It wasn't hard to act heartbroken. That's exactly how I was feeling. They praised me for it not knowing it was effortless on my part.
"Are you okay?" Lisa asks closely as we rehearse for our scene, her hands on mine as we stand in front of each other.
I frowned because that's not part of our script.
"Yeah. Let's focus, please?"
"Sorry," she mumbles and proceeds with her line.
Suddenly, I grew tensed.
"I'll just... kiss you like this," she holds my face gently, tilting it to the side hesitantly, while I nod.
"Jennie, you should roam your hand on her shoulder," the director suggests. "Make it last long enough for us to film around you twice."
We nodded. No one notices the awkwardness between us. I guess we're both good actors like they say.
The actual filming starts and I close the distance between us. We say our short lines, hold hands... next thing I know, I felt her lips pressing on mine. It was warm, soft and familiar. It made my chest tight.
I opened my mouth and instinctly deepened the kiss with my hand on her shoulder.
It took me back to the first time we kissed and I got scared of feeling what I was feeling.
"Am I being selfish thinking you're probably my last shot at happiness and I don't want to let you go?"
"No. You're not," she closes her eyes as she rests her forehead on mine once again, "You deserve to be happy."
My fingertips on her jaw, I dipped my head and pressed my lips on hers as I answer, "I won't ever let you go."
If our characters got their happy ending in the movie, why can't our own reality be a movie?
The director's voice turned us back to our broken reality. When I opened my eyes, I have never seen Lisa's doe eyes that sad.
"Can we talk?" she asks. We were told to take a two hour break as they prepare for our next scene. It should be a happy one with another set of kisses.
I sat on my chair and flipped through my script. We were left alone in the tent. "Let's stay professional. We're at work."
"I don't want our personal matters to affect our work too-"
"Then don't let it, Lisa. You're the one who looked so heartbroken after kissing me," I let my emotions get the best of me.
She swallows hard. "I couldn't help it. That kiss felt so real to me, I know you felt the same."
"Don't make shit up now." I struggled not to look at her.
"Jennie, I'm so damn in love with you but I'm not really in my delusional stage yet."
My heart thumped. Did she just say she's still in love with me?
"I thought you didn't want to pressure me anymore?" I shifted my eyes to her. I was desperate to leave the topic so I used this card against her.
Hands on her waist and eyes closed, she took a deep breath. She looks more exhausted today than I've ever seen.
This is bad. We're both too distraught to act happy and in love.
Setting the papers to the side, I stood in front of her with my fingertips on her face, making her open her eyes and meet mine straight in the eye. "That wasn't real. You're confusing our reality with a damn movie."
"You always push people away when you're scared," she said silently but sharply. It was like a punch in the gut. My hands fell to her shoulders when she took a step closer while my eyes try to look away, not wanting her to see the turmoil she caused inside me. "Why do I scare you, Jennie?"
My grip on her shoulder tightened when she lowered her face. I wasn't sure if I should push her away or close my eyes.
But I didn't felt her lips no matter how close it felt, just her breath.
"When I kiss you later, that won't be my character acting. That would be me, your Lisa. The one so damn in love with you."
I only gave in to my weak knees the moment she stepped out of the tent.
Fuck this butterflies.
-
"Action!" the camera rolls in.
I kept the huge smile plastered on my face as Lisa leaned in and molded her mouth in mine without hesitation.
It wasn't in how we rehearsed but I pulled her closer by the nape while she moved her lips against mine skillfully. Like earlier, my knees buckled that's why I held her strongly on the nape. She also wrapped her arms on my waist.
The scene didn't end there. It was only the start. I had to keep my smile as we pulled apart, said some lines and acted all giddy as we roam the mall.
"I love you," she says meaningfully. It was supposed to be I love you, Sara. I know she purposely left out the name.
Goosebumps prickled on my skin. But the smile on my face felt natural as I said those words back. "I love you too."
-
I rushed to the company van waiting for me. My manager couldn't look me in the eyes since early this morning, I told him not to set me up with Lisa again.
"Jennie wait-"
Manager oppa blocked her. "Sorry Lisa. She's tired."
"But..."
I didn't listen any further and just shut off the car door.
Oppa said he talked to Lisa so I wouldn't have to worry about her going to my place. Not that she ever crossed the line, but he probably knew how desperate I was to run away from her.
I did everything I can to avoid her after that. On my solo shoots afterwards, I was relieved she didn't show up. Either she's busy or she just gave up.
Until one day, rumors sparked that Lisa accepted a drama with Nancy.
It was a field day for the media, making it a form of entertainment about how Lisa loved working with her old flames: me and Nancy. Still, people were excited of the prospect of them working together as if it would get them back together romantically. People love the drama so soon enough, I was dragged into the headlines saying we're probably not on good terms right now.
Coincidenrally, it's also the day we're meeting again for our team dinner since the whole filming was wrapped up last night.
She was still all smiles when I entered the restaurant. She only gave me a casual smile before talking to the other actors around us.
"Did you really accept the drama with Nancy?" I heard one of the writers ask.
"Yeah, why not?" she answers with a grin.
I thought she didn't want to take up the offer? What changed her mind?
"I personally think you look better with Jennie," a staff teased us, slightly drunk.
Acting surprised, Lisa grinned at me. "Me too."
I scrunched my face, purposely making them laugh.
"Alright people, it's all in the past now," I waved my hand.
Thankfully they didn't press on that matter. We were busy reliving the past few weeks of our filming. It wasn't that late yet when I bid them goodbye.
Some were already too drunk, but not Lisa. She looks just as sober as I am.
"Jennie."
"Lisa are you nuts? What if someone sees you following me?" I looked around, the horror if being all over the tabloids for this making me feel uneasy.
She takes a step back in the dark, looking apologetic. "I just need to talk to you. Tomorrow night I'm off to Paris. It will probably take me a few weeks there, precisely before our premiere night. I can't wait that long anymore."
"Then cancel your flight," I said, just wanting her to give up.
"Will you hear me out if I cancel it?" she looked determined.
I bit my lip. "Maybe."
"Alright. Give me a minute," she brings out her phone and I watched as she put it to her ear, "Hi, Oppa. About Paris I think we need to—"
"Don't," I said quickly, putting my hand up. I signaled for her to stop.
She frowns. "I'll call you back later."
"What are you doing?" I asked in frustration, "Dammit Lisa."
"You were willing to change your mind if-"
"Why can't you just... forget everything and move on? There's a lot of other girls, there's even Nancy."
"You're not being jealous now... are you?"
I huffed. "Why would I be jealous? You can get back with her for all I care."
"Right. You don't sound jealous at all," she obviously fights a smile.
"You're not taking me seriously."
"I am. That's why I'm willing to cancel my flight."
I closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose as I walked back and forth. Then I stopped, not looking at her. "If you really want to talk, let's do it at my place."
Her face brightened up. It was something I couldn't erase on my mind until I got home.
A few minutes later, she came knocking on my door.
I was only wearing my white robe and nothing inside. Her lips parted seeing me.
"So... a-about us," she stutters when I crossed our short distance. "You... Us... Jen, what are you doing?"
Her eyes widens when I let the robe slip on my shoulders until it fell to the floor. Her eyes remained in mine, conflicted.
"Didn't you come for this? Well, I missed you too," I run my hands on the collar of her shirt.
"You're purposely being an asshole," she hisses, grabbing my wrists, "You know it's always been more than just sex between us. You know damn well I'm in love with you, Jennie."
"Too bad, I'm not looking for any kind of relationships right now. Either you fuck me now or leave. Go make your choice," I looked at her in the eyes.
"One thing I regret the most is that I left because you told me so when I should've known you were going through something," her eyes softens, "Jennie please. Let me stay this time. I want to be here for you."
I took my wrists back from her grip, grabbing my robe and wearing it as I turned my back on her. "I think you can find your way out."
"I can," she says seriously, "But even if I get out of this door right now, I need you to know that it wasn't your fault. You didn't kill any of them. None of their deaths were your fault."
"Shut up!" I turned around quickly, my sight blurry from these damn tears.
"You can't blame yourself for every tragedy that surrounds you Jennie," she takes a few steps, "You were a victim too. Of abuse. Of trauma. Of life."
My lips trembled. I can't feel my legs, it's like the ground is summoning me down.
"You were stripped off of family love from a young age. You've been through so much," she whispers, wiping away my tears. "I'm so sorry you went through all that. And I'm so sorry that I wasn't letting you push me away, I'm fucking scared of you being alone again. But it's still wrong... so the only thing I could do now is hope that you realize your worth. You're special. But only you can make yourself happy. Only you, Jennie."
When she turns around to leave, I didn't know my world could fall apart even further.
I wrapped my arms on her middle, sobbing on her back like a kid. She freezes.
"I'm sorry,," I gripped on her clothes, afraid to let her go as I struggled to breathe from my tears, "I'm sorry, please don't go. Don't leave me. It hurts so much. I'm sorry. P-Please. I want to be happy."
We stood like that while I sob on her back. God knows I needed those tears out of my system or else I would explode with sadness.
And when she pries herself of my arms, I was mad scared that she really got tired of me.
But no, she turned to face me, pulling my head so I could cry on her chest instead.
"You were wrong when you said I was your last shot of happiness, Jen. Because it should've been you," she kisses the top of my head, "And I will be here to help you love yourself by loving you more and more each day."
And that's when I realized...
My demons are a part of me so I have to stop running away from them. It will just exhaust me, ruin me in the process.
Life is about battling your everyday demons and with Lisa reminding me of it, I gained strength. One step at a time, I know I can love myself more tomorrow.