Mum picked me up on Saturday for the funeral Monday.
I have to be back at uni for an exam on Tuesday so that's gonna be fun.
Louis gave me a massive hug before I left, telling me I was strong and I'll be able to get through it. It made a weight lift off my shoulders but as soon as I closed the car door and left the flat behind, that weight decided to come plummeting back down on me again, squishing my ribs and breaking my heart and puncturing my lungs.
My leg jiggled the whole way back to Holmes Chapel, where Gemma embraced me with a tear in her eye.
We helped mum fold dad's shirts- making sure there wasn't a wrinkle in sight- to put in a box. I don't know what mum wants to do with them now, she may just keep them but seeing them hung up kept her crying because it was a reminder he wouldn't be able to come and slip one on for their date nights or for work.
Silent tears shed, tracing paths down my blush struck cheeks, fingers tremor with the action. I slipped one of the black shirts over my plain top, buttoning it up and the woodsy scent mixed with the lavender washing detergent mixed into one, making it feel as if he were here in the room.
I haven't taken it off since. It's baggy, hanging loosely against my body, only being filled slightly on my broad shoulders. He was an XL, I'm only a medium.
Mum helped me down from a panic attack Saturday after we packed the box with his clothes. I kept apologising to her because I found it not fair that my anxiety was coming out when she needed the reassurance herself. She told me I was being stupid and that she understood why my anxiety was peaking. I'm still not so convinced.
We cuddled up on the sofa Sunday night, not wanting to let go as we all wept together, dad's favourite movie playing in the background- ET.
I cried myself to sleep and I'm guessing mum found the strength to drag me into my room. She's a strong woman, I don't know how she had the energy to carry me to my room but she managed because I can feel the soft covers beneath my palms, the pillow soft and spongy on my cheek.
I roll over, not wanting to wake up and face the day. Today is dad's funeral and I'm not ready for it. I want to stay in my dreams where I'm with Louis and the others, doing karaoke and drinking shots. I already miss them. Not as much as I miss dad, I know I can just go back to my dorm and they'll be there. I came back here and dad wasn't here, it just shows he really is gone and the realisation stings.
There's a light knock on my door and someone's brushing my hair off my face with cold fingers. "Harry, love," Mum whispers, her voice laced with already shed and unshed tears. "We gotta get up, baby boy."
I slowly open my eyes that are blurry with sleep, looking up at her. Her blue eyes look pained, mixed with devastation. She gives me the weakest of smiles.
I slowly get up, knowing that once I'm up then I'll have to start the day and I don't think I'm mentally ready for that. I grab my phone, checking the time to see it's nine in the morning. There's a text from Louis and I open it straight away.
Lou: Hey, love! Just wanted to let you know that you're strong and you'll get through this hard time. I'll be waiting for you and I'll be here for you every step of the way. Say hi to your mum for me! X
I bite my lip, texting him back a thanks and slapping the phone onto my bedside table.
"Louis says hi," I whisper, standing and going over to my wardrobe.
I don't have that many clothes now that they're all at uni but I thankfully have something smart to wear for this.
"You're on speaking terms now?" She asks, shock in her voice. I look over to see that she sure enough has her eyebrows risen.
I nod. "Yeah, we're friends. We talked it out." I turn back to the wardrobe, grabbing the white shirt and black blazer that's hanging up, black trousers draped over the top. I dump it onto the bed and peel off the oversized top I'm wearing that may or may not also be dad's.
"That's good, love. I'm glad you're all friends again, must've been hard living under the same roof as someone that you didn't like."
I shake my head. "I always liked him, just, we didn't agree on the same things."
She nods, pursing her lips, giving a light chuckle. "Your dad told me he thought Louis was a tit for being so rude toward you." I see the sadness swirl behind her glassy eyes.
And that shoots an ice shard to stab through my heart. Dad's last reaction to Louis wasn't a good one. And it's all my fucking fault. And dad had to die, thinking that Louis wasn't a good person and that pains me and it causes tears to spill from my eyes and my shoulders to shake with a sob.
"Oh, baby boy, I didn't mean to upset you," Mum says delicately, tears swimming in front of her eyes, clustering into her eyelashes as she blinks. She comes and wraps me into a hug.
I must look ridiculous in just my pants and no top or trousers, crying my eyes out like a fucking child. Get a grip, you cock.
She cradles me, laying my head against her chest. "Shh."
"I made dad think Lou was a bad person," I sob out. "His final thoughts on him weren't good."
"It's alright, love. He knows you're okay now with each other. He's up there now, smiling down at you for being the strong man and being mature enough to put your differences past you," She assures, wiping tears off her face with her small fingers.
I shake my head. "I'm such an idiot. I'm weak."
Mum tilts my head up so I can look her in the eyes, her brows are creased, frown on her face. "I hate when you talk so low of yourself. Whatever that pathetic pig said those years ago, is not true. You were just a child, Harry! You've grown since then. You are strong and you are my boy."
"I'm sorry," I sob.
She shakes her head. "Stop it." A sob rips through her now.
I'm making my own mother cry, what type of shit person am I?
You're the reason this family has gone to shit!
I shake the voice out my head, sucking in a breath and standing. I give mum a hug and she relaxes into it, rubbing my back slowly.
"Right, we should both be getting ready," She breathes out, wiping her eyes. "I'll get us some breakfast, too."
I shake my head, slipping the crisp white shirt on and buttoning it up. "I'm not hungry."
She nods, walking out the room.
I keep the first few buttons open, shoving my legs into the trousers and buckling them up. I wander into the bathroom and the reflection looking back at me is quite honestly, disgusting.
My face is paler than normal, making me look almost transparent. You can see the purple hued veins beneath my eyes alongside the bags hanging there. My cheeks are red and blotchy, eyelashes damp and my eyes red rimmed. My lips are also cracked and there's a speck of dried blood on them from where I've bitten them too much.
I wash my face, scrubbing hard, then brush my teeth. I try to style my hair but it doesn't do much. I'll wear a red bandanna, it was dad's favourite colour, after all.
I exit the room and Gemma comes out her room, wearing a tight black dress that hugs her curves. She's got her hair styled in a low bun and she gives me a weak smile. I can't seem to get my mouth to react and give one back.
"Hi," I mumble.
She comes over, giving me a hug. "Everything's going to be okay," She assures, sounding confident despite the pain marring her features.
I simply nod and once mum comes out of her room in a black dress, similar to Gemma's, we get in the car and drive to the church.
...
It's so fucking hard.
It's so hard, why is it so hard to say goodbye?
They say funerals are a day to celebrate the life of the loved one but I call bullshit. How can you celebrate something with the acknowledgement that they're no longer present? What type of sick fuckery is it, that someone decided to make out funerals are a happy time?
If this is happiness then I don't want it.
Dad's coffin gets brought in by strong broad men. It's a polished dark oak, white and red flowers arranged on the top with his name. They settle it down on the table at the front. I find Gemma's hand, bringing it into my clammy one and she squeezes it gently.
I take a deep breath, the vicar coming in and we all sit down.
"We are here today, to celebrate the life and say farewell to Robin Twist," She begins, thick rimmed glasses reminding me of those that Lou wore a few days ago and an image of him pops into my mind, making my pounding heart steady slightly. "Could you please bow your heads as we all say a prayer."
I bow my head, my hands shaking as they clasp together and my forehead press against them. My leg begins to do its jiggle and I chew at my lip, breathing deeply to steady my heart. The tears are already flowing freely, dripping down onto my trousers.
The service continues with song, prayers and a few speeches from dad's cousin that I never really met before.
"Now, Robin had as his final wish, for his son, Harry Styles to say a few words, so please may Harry come up," The vicar says gently, her voice bouncing off the high ceilings and against the stained glass windows where the rays of the sun casts the room in reds and yellows.
I snap my head over to mum. She never told me that dad added this to his wish. I don't even know what to say!
Mum gives me an encouraging, small smile and a sharp nod of her head. My thumb presses down between my middle and index finger as I stand, shakily making my way up to the front.
The hell do I say?!
I clear my throat a little, wiping the tears from my face. "I- I, um... I never got told I was doing this so I'm not sure what I'm meant to say," I admit, looking over at mum who's weeping silently, she gives me a shaky thumbs up for me to continue.
I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly and I avert my gaze over toward the coffin, aware of the many teary eyes on me.
"T-this is a-a difficult loss. I was really close to dad. H-he took me in from day one, being very patient with m-my trauma." I wipe the loose tears, sniffing a little. "I will never forget the kindness dad gave me and our family. He was always there for us. T-the last proper talk I had with him was ab-about my flatmates." I smile at the memory, giving a short chuckle that gets faltered by a sob. "He called one of them a childish tit because we had a fight. If only he knew we were friends now, I wish I got to tell him w-we were on speaking terms again because Lou doesn't deserve to be s-seen as a bad person. But dad was never actually judgemental. He was a kind soul and I'll always miss him. I love you dad, please don't forget me," I whisper the last part, kissing two fingers and planting them gently on the coffin.
My knees buckle and I fall down to the floor with a sob, shoulders shaking, tears and snot mixing in one on my face. I feel two pairs of arms wrap around me, helping me to stand and they walk me back to my seat. One pair removes themselves from me but the other holds me close and I can smell the jasmine of her perfume there.
"Shh, baby boy, shh," She mumbles into my ear, stroking my hair back.
The service finishes and dad's coffin gets slid into a hole in a wall, where they'll next cremate him. I don't want to think of his skin burning, the coffin splintering around him as the flames encase him. It makes my stomach roll and my breath to hitch.
We all stand, mum still holding me close to her and we file out the room to go to the local hall where there will be afternoon tea.
Mum helps me into the car and I open my eyes, noticing they were closed for the last part of the service. Gemma looks at me with tears filling her eyes and she grabs my hand, kissing it and squeezing it tightly.
We drive to the hall.
I can't think of stomaching anything. I'm low of energy from all the crying and I have only just stopped. My throat feels raw and scratchy, eyes puffy and achy. Gemma comes over with a small teacup, handing it to me and I take a sip of the tea. The warm liquid coats my throat when I swallow, soothing it slightly.
"You should eat something, H. You haven't had anything all day," She says, setting a plate with a sandwich and scone onto the white clothed table we sit at.
I shake my head. "I don't want to be sick."
She shakes hers. "You won't be. You need to eat, you're gonna pass out otherwise."
Mum comes over after talking with some relatives, setting a few sandwiches in front of me. "Eat it," She commands.
I pick up one of the small square thing, the crusts have been cut off and it's filled with cream cheese and cucumber. I take a nibble and my tummy grumbles.
Someone comes over, his head shiny and hairless, thick grey eyebrows looking like caterpillars being slapped above his grey eyes. He gives me a wide smile and lays his large hand on my shoulder, making me tense.
"Your speech was wonderful, son," He says, his voice deep and gravely.
Mum smiles up at him. "Harry, this is John, dad's second cousin."
I give him a smile. "Thank you," I mumble, abandoning the sandwich now that I'm in the company of a complete stranger who has his meaty hand still on my shoulder, making me feel slightly trapped. I chew at my thumbnail, looking over at Gemma pleadingly.
She just gives me an apologetic look and slathers jam on one side of her scone.
"Your father said a lot about you. He would tell us how much he adores you," John continues.
Mum gives him a small smile. "Thank you."
"Your family is in my thoughts and prayers." He pats my shoulder and continues on his rounds.
I let out a breath, taking a sip of tea. "His hand was heavy," I mumble and Gemma snorts.
My phone buzzes in my pocket and I take it out, seeing a message from Louis and a smile tugs at my face despite where we are.
Lou: How you holding up? X
Me: Alright, cried enough to fill the Thames.
Lou: Aw, baby :(
Me: A guy named John just put his meaty hand on my shoulder, thought I was gonna drown in it.
Lou: No one touches my Hazza when he's uncomfortable >:(
And since when was I his Hazza?
Me: What you up to?
Lou: We've just gone out to get something to eat. Niall's talking about us going to fright night on Friday.
Me: Fright night?
Lou: Yeah, it's like a Halloween thing at Thorpe Park. I've been before, it's fun! People are dressed up as like scary killer clowns and they go around scaring the shit out of you. You should join us!
Me: I'll think about it. Being scared isn't a favourite pass time of mine.
Lou: I'll keep you safe <3
Me: Thanks :)
Me: Mum's yelling at me to put my phone away *sigh* see you tomorrow?
Lou: Take care, baby X
I pocket my phone when mum gives me another death glare. I pick up my sandwich and take bite, feeling a little better now that I've spoken to Louis. Who knew one boy could make my moods change so quickly?
...
"Hazza!" Louis yells, running into the hallway and throwing his arms around me, making me lose balance so that I have to lean my hand against the wall. I wrap my other hand around his waist.
"Hi, Lou," I mumble, smelling his strawberry shampoo on his hair and it makes those pesky butterflies to be in flight.
"How're you?" He asks, pulling away from me so I can at least take my shoes off.
Mum went to drop Gemma back at her house in London. She said she'd come in but didn't want to intrude.
"Other than the sadness over everything, I'm great," I say with a slight bite to my tone.
He frowns, pulling at my hair gently. "'M sorry. Things'll get better. Promise."
I give him a weak smile and he gives me a big one in return.
"So... Wanna do something? I'm bored," He asks.
I shake my head, walking over to my room to grab my notebook and book. "Sorry, can't. Got an exam in like, ten minutes."
He groans, flopping onto my bed. "I'm bored!"
"Where's Z and A?" I ask.
He sighs. "A went to the library. Z went to Liam's, probably to suck him off, no doubt."
I snort at that.
Louis sits up onto his elbows. "Seriously, they're so in love with each other. They made out the other night whilst we were trying to watch Titanic. They may as well been Rose and Jack in the car scene, they were on their way to it."
I double over with giggles, hiding my face behind my hands when I stand up right again, yellow pooling through my heart, erasing the blue that's been there all bloody weekend.
I hear Louis giggling too and I slowly remove my hands from my face to see him, blue eyes glinting from the cold autumn sun shining through the window, lighting his face up in a slight primrose colour, making his skin that more golden.
"There's that smile," He says, pointing at me. "I've missed that on you."
I roll my eyes, biting my bottom lip and looking down to my socked feet.
He gets up, lifting my chin up with his finger and he scans my eyes with his dazzling blue ones, looking down to my lips with a light bite to his own.
"You don't have to ask," I whisper, thinking he may want to kiss me and it makes my heart flip and my dick to do a weird twitch.
He grins, looking back up to my eyes. "Don't have to ask what, Haz?" He asks, tilting his head.
"To kiss me," I mumble.
"What? Didn't quite catch that," He says lightly.
"Kiss me," I say louder and his teeth glint in the light when his lips stretch further.
"Fuckin' gladly," He mutters, bringing my lips to his.
A few weeks ago, I'd have laughed if someone told me that one kiss from Louis Tomlinson would make me question my whole existence and that I actually enjoy him kissing me. But here we are, day four of our 'friendship' (umbrella term here, I'm still not having any fucking clue what we actually are, we barely know much about each other) and we're kissing again and my heart is soaring.
A/N- HI
I HAVE Y&B AS A PAPERBACK FUCKING BOOK AND I DESIGNED ITS COVER AND I AM IN LOVE!!!! CHECK MY STORY ON INSTA TO SEE IT (ART_BY_SAMMIBS)
Hope you enjoyed this chapter.
SOTT started playing when Harry whispered 'don't forget me' and I began crying :)
Gotta go shower now I haven't washed my hair in like a week, oops.
Vote and comment and I'll see you in the next update
STAY SAFE XOOXOXOXOXOXO