And I am back to ignore Louis Tomlinson.
It's been over two weeks now. Whenever the group want to go out, I'll go but I won't talk to him or even look his way.
I'm just confused. Everything I knew of myself, I always thought I liked girls though I got no reaction physically or mentally by them. Then Louis kisses me and I get the biggest reaction that I almost pass out.
I told Anne-Marie about it. I wanted to tell someone. After I ran off, I went to Niall's apartment where her and another girl was. I broke down and she took me into the other room where I spilt everything.
She comforted me, bless her. She didn't try to tell me my thoughts were wrong or anything. She told me to go with my heart and she'd be there for me when I do. I told her not to tell the others, especially blurt it out to Louis that I told her and she promised to keep it a secret. Though, I'm sure Niall probably heard some of it, the walls are thin after all.
I make sure I eat separate from him, too. Making my dinner earlier so I can eat in my room and away from him staring and trying to ask me questions.
I'm just needing to sort my mind out. I thought when I kissed a guy, it would straighten things out (pun intended) but it just jumbled my thoughts further and it's hurting my brain.
"Shit," I mumble under my breath as I look through my toiletry bag. Well, guess I'm all outta shampoo.
I would ask Marie or Zayn but they're both at the bloody fields with Liam for lacrosse practice, Marie to watch.
For God's sake. I would go without washing it but it is evidently greasy and I haven't washed it in like a week.
The only other bloody person that is in the house at the moment with me is Louis.
Damn it.
Do I? Don't I? Do I? Don't I?
Fuck it. What's one favour?
I walk over to his room, just in my purple dressing gown and knock lightly on the door before opening it. He's on his bed, notebooks and textbooks sprawled out around him, pen in his mouth. He has these adorable pair of glasses propped on his face, black thick rimmed and rectangular, making him looking a little younger than he is.
He looks up at me, eyes widening when he notices it's me.
"Oh," He says.
I scratch the back of my head. "I er... Can I borrow some shampoo? I ran out," I mumble, chewing at my lip.
"Oh so you only come to me when you need something, I see," He bites out.
Fuck it. I turn. "Forget it."
"Wait! I'm sorry. There's a bottle in my toiletry bag." He points with his pen to his wardrobe and I tentatively open it.
I find the black bag and open it, finding another bottle of lube there, some conditioner and the shampoo. I take the shampoo, clicking it open and giving it a quick sniff. Strawberries.
"You can use the conditioner too, if you want." He shrugs and I take the conditioner, holding both in one hand.
"Thanks."
"Harry-" He begins but I'm already out the door and going into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
I take off the dressing gown, turning on the shower and stepping into the water once it's warm. I scrub the strawberry shampoo into my scalp and it makes my tummy flutter, reminding me of Louis. And no, shut up.
Sighing, I step out and dry myself off, wrapping my hair into the towel to dry, slipping the dressing gown back on and tying it up. I take the shampoo and conditioner, opening the door and leaving the bottles outside Louis' room. I go into my own and get dressed into my jeans and a stripe knit jumper.
I grab my book, pencil case and notebook, grabbing my phone, sending a quick text to the family group chat that I'm fine and going to go to the library to study. Dad replies with a have fun, kiddo! Smash it! Mum replies with a thumbs up and Gemma just keeps me on read.
I slip my feet into my boots and I walk out the house, going to the university building and into the library.
The scent of books hits my nose and I soak it in. There's books upon books with broken spines within each bookcase that are across every surface and open space, making a maze. There's tables in the middle of the room, people sitting and studying there. The floor is carpeted, snuffing out most noise that feet create on hardwood floors.
I see Marie at the counter, grabbing a pile of books and going over to the shelves to stack them.
I go over to her, lightly touching her arm. She turns and grins when she sees it's me.
"Hi," She whispers. "What you up to?"
"Came here to study. Want to keep me company?" I ask just as quietly.
She nods, sliding a history book into its rightful place. "Let me put these back and I'll be with you."
I smile, turning and going to one of the tables, sitting down on the plush chair and laying my stuff out along the table. I open the book and begin writing the essay we're meant to write by Monday.
Marie comes over.
"Have you done the essay yet?" I ask her.
She shakes her head. "Can I borrow some paper?"
I nod. Ripping some paper from my book and handing it to her. She steals one of my Biro pens, writing her name in the margin.
"Do you need to read from the book?" I ask.
She nods. "Sure. You have more tabs on the side than mine back at the flat." She comes round to sit beside me instead of opposite me so we can both share the book.
I begin writing the question at the top of the page, scanning through the book and its techniques, writing down some good pointers onto the page.
"So how's it with you and Lou? Still not talking to him?" She asks.
I shake my head.
"You smell like him," She whispers.
"I used his shampoo, if that's what you're implying. I ran out. In fact, after this, we can go to the co-op to get some more." I go to the next paragraph, looking over to the book to read the next part where the tab is at.
"You need to talk about it soon, H. You're confused and might possibly just be one gay panic." I look to her, eyes narrowed slightly and she puts her hands up in surrender. "I'm just saying, Niall probably can see the gay panic and he doesn't even understand the definition of it."
I shake my head. "I'm not in any gay panic."
She pats my arm. "You tell yourself that, love." She continues writing on her page for a while before looking back over to me. "So what did he say when you asked to use his shampoo?"
I shrug. "Told me I only talk to him when I want something then told me I could use his shampoo."
She coos. "Sounds like someone is falling."
I push her slightly. "Shut up. You spend too much time around Niall, you're sounding like him."
"We're on the same energy wave length level thing, love, of course we sound the same."
I roll my eyes. Writing more stuff down. I make a mistake, crossing it out and starting the sentence again.
"Seriously though, H, you can't avoid Lou forever. He needs answers too. He kissed you, what if he actually likes you?" She says, twiddling her pen between her fingers.
My heart does a flip at the mention of him liking me.
I shake my head. "He doesn't. He probably kissed me because he wanted to scare me or something. He wanted to confuse me further. Besides, I don't want to be one of his throwaways. I don't want to be someone he fucks then tosses out again, that's not what a relationship should be."
She smiles weakly. "I know. Maybe he'll change for you. If it got to that that is."
I shake my head again. "Not if I can help it. Wanna go co-op?" I ask, finishing the essay.
She nods and I shove her paper back into the notebook and closing it. I pick everything up and we stand, walking out the library and down the road.
"It would be nice to see him actually be in a relationship with one person instead of fucking around," Marie says when we enter co-op, going down the toiletry aisle.
I nod. "It would but I don't think I'm the guy it'll be with."
She shrugs. "You could be, can you pass me those sanitary towels? No, the purple packet. Thanks. You don't even know yourself it you like him in that way or not," She says, taking the sanitary towels from my hands and dumping it into the basket she has.
I open the shampoo, giving it a smell and my nose scrunches up, putting it back on the shelf. Nope, not that one. She does the same, sniffing different shampoos.
"Yeah but..." I don't know how to reply to that. "What if he wants to have sex with me and I get an STI or some shit. That's if I agree to that shit."
She points the shampoo my way and I give it a sniff, nodding and she dumps it into the basket. We walk over to the confectionery aisle. "Well so far, he hasn't got one, he's clean as far as I see. Unless he's one of those sick fuckers that want to spread STI ad STDs."
I shake my head. "No, I don't think he's that cold hearted," I reply, grabbing some magic stars and dumping it into her basket.
She nods. "You're right. He's still a good person, even with his flaws. Can you grab those?" She points up and I grab the foam mushrooms, tossing them into the basket.
We go to the til to pay.
"Talk to him, H. For the sake of everyone else. It's like walking on eggshells around you two," She says when we leave the store.
I sigh heavily through my nose. "Fine. I'll talk to him. But not right now, we've got to collect our assignment papers."
She groans. "I forgot about that. Why can't they bloody email it to us?"
I nod. "They do, Becky said she wanted to give us our marked work back so we can see where we can focus on the weaker points."
We walk back to the flat, dumping the bag there and we go back out to the school to the lecture room to grab our assigned work.
"I don't want to look yet," I groan, feeling anxiety pulse through my body. We're back in the house now.
My last assignment we did at the beginning of the month, I got a 56%. It's not great at all but it was a pass so I told myself it was a good effort. At least I didn't fail.
Marie nods and we walk into the kitchen. "Look at the same time?" She asks, holding the paper to her chest.
I nod. "Alright. Ready?"
She nods and we both peer at our papers. My eyes widen and I look over to Marie.
"What did you get?" I ask.
She grins. "I got an 85%!"
I smile widely. "That's like an A! That's amazing!" I yell and she squeals.
"It's my best score! What did you get?" She asks.
I jump a little on the spot with excitement, showing her my paper. "An 87%!"
"What the fuck, Harry!" She screams and we both squeal like two teenage girls.
"It's also my best score yet!" I yell and she grabs my hands, jumping up and down.
"Look at us becoming proper good grader uni students!"
"What's all the yelling?" Louis asks, poking his head out from his room, glasses still perched on his face.
"We both got really good scores on our assignments!" A replies with a giggle.
Louis smiles, cheeks scrunching up and it makes his glasses rise with it. "That's amazing, congrats! What did you get?"
"I got an 85!" Anne-Marie looks to me and when I don't speak, she rolls her eyes and hits my chest lightly. "H got an 87."
"Amazing, guys, congrats!" He smiles before coming over to make a tea. He hugs Marie. "You did so well." He looks to me, takes one step but decides not to, turning back to the tea.
My heart deflates when he doesn't give me a hug and I look down at my feet. "Right, I gotta go and read chapter eight of the other book. I'm gonna go ring my mum, too, tell her and dad the good news."
I walk into my room, perching onto my chair. Marie opens the door, throwing the magic stars and shampoo at me. I catch both, setting them on my desk and she closes the door.
I grab my phone, video calling mum. I play with the necklace around my neck whilst it rings, sliding the cross charm back and forth. She doesn't answer. She's probably at work or one of her coffee dates.
I try dad but he doesn't answer either. I shoot him a quick text, telling him to ring me and that I love him. I pocket the phone, leaning back in my chair and bringing the next book over, opening it to chapter eight and scanning over it.
...
My tummy rumbles after a while and I look at the time, seeing it's five thirty. I pop the book down and walk out into the kitchen, deciding on some pasta and veg, something quick and simple.
I boil the pasta, cutting up some carrots and steaming them. I wilt some spinach and drain the pasta, bustling around the kitchen as I go, pots and pans clanking and drawers slamming whilst I grab the utensils. I add the veg to the pasta, pouring in a pot of tomato pasta sauce and grating some cheese into it, mixing it through and dump it all into a bowl. I chuck all the dirty pans and utensils I just used into the sink to wash up later.
I grab a Ribena bottle from the fridge, going back into my room and eating my dinner with a Netflix show playing on my phone, glancing down at the book now and then, debating whether or not I should pick it up again.
I finish my bowl of pasta, settling it on the side and picking up the book.
Just as I'm about to read, my phone buzzes with a call and I smile when I notice mum's name.
I answer it pressing it to my ear. "Hey, mumsy! Guess what my score was for my last assignment?" I say excitedly.
"Harry," Mum's voice croaks and my heart twists, stomach rolling. I stand, going to sit on my bed as my bum goes numb sitting on that hard ass chair.
"Mum, is everything alright?" I ask, feeling my heart pound.
"I-it's..." I hear the soft cries coming from her and my whole body shakes, blood running cold.
"Mummy?" I whisper.
"Harry?" Gemma's voice now and it sounds thick and croaky too.
"Gem, what's going on?" I ask, biting my thumbnail.
"It's dad, H. He... He had a heart attack," She says with a waver to her voice.
My heart may have just stopped and my stomach may have just dropped out my arse. "What do you mean. I-is he okay?" I ask, my breathing beginning to get quicker.
"Harry, love, dad's..." I hear her swallow and she cries out the next part gently, "Dad's gone."
My vision tilts for a moment, tears springing to my eyes, bottom lip wobbly. "W-what? No. We, w-we only spoke this morning!" I yell down the phone.
"H, you know his heart was weak," She cries, sniffing. "It was his time to go."
I break out into a sob and it shakes my shoulders. My heart pounds like led. "He can't be," I cry back, shaking my head, the tears flicking from my eyes and onto my bed sheets.
"I'm so sorry, Harry. I love you, yeah? We're gonna come pick you up over the weekend, okay?" She says.
"Harry," Mum's voice comes back onto the phone and it's barely above a whisper. "He loved you so much, yeah?"
My face retorts at her comment and I can barely breathe. "Mum," I choke out.
"Don't panic, love, stay calm. He's watching over us now, yeah? He always said he would."
I shake my head again, hands shaking so much, I can barely keep the phone still to my ear. "I told him he'd l-live to ninety five. He can't be dead. He's supposed to live to ninety five!"
Mum cries again.
"Is there anyone there with you, H? To comfort you?" Gemma asks.
I shake my head. "I'll be fine," I whisper, knowing she needs to help mum calm down.
"I love you, little brother. We all do."
"Bye."
She clicks off the phone and I bring my pillow up to my face, crying into it, the tears seeping into the cotton fabric, making it damp.
My breath hitches. Dad's gone. He's gone forever. He won't be able to see me get my diploma or see my first partner. He won't be able to hold his first grandchild or help me move house. He won't be able to make a speech at my wedding or watch mum grow old.
It hurts too much and it just can't be true. My fucking anxiety is a bitch because it decides to fill my brain with more thoughts. About when mum dies, too or when I die and if there's no heaven, then I'll be rotting in a hole in the ground with no recollection on what's going on anymore which scares the shit out of me.
I begin hyperventilating, making me panic even more. This is it, this is the end.
The tears run down my face and my chest aches.
"Hey, Harry, everyone's gone to the bar and they told me to ask you if you wanna-" Louis' voice says whilst he opens the door, faltering in his sentence. "Haz?"
I keep my head buried in the pillow which is probably not helping my breathing issue in anyway but I don't want him to see me in this state.
"Hey, Hazza? What's up, love?" He asks gently after a beat, coming into the room and I feel the bed dip beside me.
"M-m-my d-d-dad'd d-d-de-ead," I pant out in between shallow breaths.
"Oh my God, Harry, I'm so sorry," He whispers and I feel his hand on my shoulder.
I don't know why, I think it's the warmth of his hand and I crave more of it or what but I turn, nuzzling into his chest. He brings me completely onto his lap, bringing my hair back. The dinner I just ate swims in waves in my stomach and it makes me feel incredibly sick.
"L-L-Lou," I sob on a breath.
"Shh, Haz, I've got you. It's all gonna be okay, love. I need you to breathe, though, love," He mumbles into my ear, stroking my hair.
His touch makes my mind anchor to now and I concentrate on that touch but my stomach lurches.
"Lou I'm gonna- gonna be sick," I heave out and he nods, hauling me up bridal style and running out the room toward the bathroom.
We just make it to the toilet until I'm spewing everything out my stomach, making my teeth chatter and a weight to press down on my chest with the anxiety.
"Oh, baby," He coos, holding my hair back and rubbing my back. I feel sweaty but cold but also hot and I don't understand it. "You're really warm, love. Lift your arms up for me," He says gently.
My trembling arms lift up and he grabs the hem of my jumper, pulling it over my head before I'm chucking up again, another wave of anxiety coming through me.
His hand touches my bare back and I feel his lips brush against my shoulder blade. "It's alright, baby, get it all up."
And when did he start calling me baby? It makes those butterflies overpower the waves in my tummy and my heart to melt.
I lean back against his chest. He wraps his arms around my middle, rocking us side to side.
"Breathe, Harry," He whispers into my ear, tickling the hair there and making a shiver to rip through my body. "Breathe."
I take deep breaths, blowing it out slowly through my mouth.
"It's all going to be okay," He whispers, tracing patterns along my chest. "All gonna be okay."
"He's gone," I cry, the tears dripping onto my bare skin and onto his bare forearms from where his polar neck jumper sleeves are pushed up.
He kisses my temple and my heart does a somersault. "It'll be okay. He's still here in spirit."
I begin to calm down, him humming Summer Nights to me. My teeth continue to chatter, goosebumps forming over my whole body, tears still streaming but my breathing has somewhat gone back to normal.
"Come on, love. Let me run you a nice bath, hm?" He stands, going over to the bath and putting the plug in, turning the taps. He walks over, bringing me up to standing.
I quickly brush my teeth, getting the vomit taste from my teeth and tongue.
"Can you manage taking off your jeans or do you want me to do them for you?" He asks with a wink and my dick fucking twitches?!
That's never, ever happened before toward anyone. Ever.
"I can manage," I mumble, wiping my tears with the back of my hand but more still fall.
I take off my jeans and I heat red when I realise I'll need to take off my pants too.
"I'm not gonna jump on you, Harry, if you take off your pants. I'm not gonna suddenly start sucking your cock. Unless you want me to, that is." He gives me a smile and a chuckle rips through me. "There's the dimples I know and love," He softly says, poking one.
I take off my pants and he turns off the water. I step into the warm water, sinking into it, my salty tears mixing with the fresh water of the bath.
"Baby want bubble bath? I bought some the other day." He goes into the cabinet and brings out a Matey bubble bath, the mermaid one. "I wanted the pirate but they were outta stock." He comes over, unscrewing the pink lid and letting the bubble bath pour into the water. He shakes his hand inside the water to start foaming it up with bubbles.
He flicks his hand to rid the water and he sits beside me on the floor, leaning his head in his arms that sit on the side of the bathtub. He grabs my loofah from the wall that's stuck there with the suction cup. It comes off the wall with a loud pop. He dunks it into the water and quietly runs it over my back.
"Harry," He whispers.
I look up at him with tear filled eyes. I wipe my nose with my hand, dunking it back under the water. "Yeah?"
"Can we talk?"
I look down at my lap. Maybe if we talk, I can get the thoughts of dad not being here out my mind for at least a second. I nod. "Ok."
He gives me a weak smile. "Why did you run off when I kissed you?"
I shrug. "I got scared."
"Why? Did you hate it? I'm sorry if I made you feel gross."
I shake my head. "Lou. I'm so confused," I mumble, my bottom lip beginning to wobble.
He frowns, thumbing the tears away. "Why?"
"Because I liked the kiss! I had those fucking butterflies and everything!" I almost yell on another sob, crying for a different reason now.
"Oh, oh, oh, shh, baby, it's okay, baby." He gets up, perching onto the side of the tub and bringing his arms around my shoulders, not caring that his jumper is getting wet. "It's okay, you're still valid. And we all accept you."
"But you said I was unworthy," I croak out.
He shakes his head. "I lied. I was pissed off and very, very upset. I like you, Harry, a lot and that scares me because we've only known each other for like, four weeks. It's not even the end of October yet!" He strokes my hair back. "I meant nothing bad that I said about you. I tend to get angry."
"Why?" I ask.
He sighs. "Something happened to me when I was fourteen that still haunts me to this day."
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I mumble.
He shakes his head. "I do, Harry. I want us to anew. I want this shit show of me calling you names and feeling like you're judging me when I know you're not, to end. I want to tell you but I don't know if now is the greatest time. I don't know if you're mentally ready to listen."
I nod. "I am, Lou. I need to take my mind off of dad. I can't keep thinking of it. Please."
He nods. "Alright. I'll let you have an insight, there's too much to unravel for one night. Basically, when I was fourteen, my father, different to dad, which is my stepdad by the way, he was super super religious, right? To the point where he'd hang crosses in every room and make us read the bible every night. He found out that I was gay and he didn't like the thought of that." Louis takes a deep shaggy breath. "He took me to go get conversion therapy."
"What's that?" I ask.
He gives me a weak smile that comes out almost like a grimace. I reach up and grab his hand, bringing it under the water with mine and he squeezes my hand gently.
"It's really horrible, Haz. They try to convert you to become straight. I was only there for like two weeks but the things they did to me..." His voice wavers and he looks spaced out. I squeeze his hand again to bring him back. His eyes clear again and he shakes his head, looking at me, staring into my eyes to keep him in the here and now. It makes my tummy flutter. "They did things that I can't speak out right now, it's too hard. I will tell you them, I promise. It caused so much damage to me mentally that I have PTSD. There's a few things that trigger it."
"The tackle," I whisper, realisation hitting me and he just nods.
"Anyway, my mum was out of town at the time so she didn't know. My sisters weren't born then, yet either. Well, Lottie was like five but she doesn't remember it. My mum was on a work trip when it happened and my father never told her. Grandma, my mum's mum, found out and she was livid. She called the police and got me out of there."
"What did the police do?" I ask.
"Fuck all. They didn't see it as a kidnapping because my father was my legal guardian at the time. My grandma told mum and mum was furious. She divorced dad as soon as she got back and got Lots and I outta there. She met dad further down the line. But it still scares me to this day. I have gotten better, though. I don't have that many panic attacks anymore."
I nod, laying my head on his shoulder, the water turning cold. "Thank you for telling me most of it, Lou. I really appreciate it."
He smiles, kissing my forehead. "I want us to stop this stupid fighting, Haz. I want to let you in more, it's only fair, I let the others in, you shouldn't be left out."
I nod. I would tell him about my traumatising past but I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to compete with him with the 'who had it worse.' He wins that one by far.
"I would like that. I want to let you in too. Thank you for helping me out of my panic attack."
He smiles. "Gotta start helping you somewhere, Haz."
I don't know why I do it... Fuck it, yes I do know why I do it. Because he's utterly gorgeous, I realise that now. And my heart screams at me to do it. I bring his lips to mine.
The kiss is gentle and slow, he tries to ask for entrance with his tongue and I decide not to, not yet. We pull apart, my heart about to sore out my body any moment.
"What was that for?" He whispers.
I run my thumb over his bottom lip. "I just needed to taste your lips again."
"Did you still get the same reaction as the last time?"
I nod. "Fuck yeah, I did."
He grins. "I get all flustered and butterflied with you, too." He links our fingers together.
"What does this mean, Lou?" I ask, slightly afraid of the answer.
He shrugs. "What do you want it to be?"
And that's a good fucking question.
"I don't want to be one of your fuck buddies," I admit. "I don't do that."
He shakes his head. "You're too pure to be one of those. You're more than that."
I smile. "But if we ever did take this further than a friendship, I don't want to see you fucking others."
He giggles. "Haz, if it was further than a friendship, then I'd be all yours. Starting from today, I won't fuck random men every night. I want to show you I can be more than that."
"So what does this mean?"
"Well... Shall we say we're friends testing the waters? Go on dates and stuff, get to know each other more first before we make it official?" He ponders.
I nod. "Okay. Yes."
"Can I kiss you?" He whispers.
I nod, biting my lip and he crashes his lips to mine. I suddenly get an erection that rarely ever happens and it aches. My tummy flutters and I lace my fingers into his hair. I could get used to this.
A/N- Oi, oi!
A lot to unravel here. Poor Robin :(. I wasn't going to have him pass in the story... That's a lie, yes I was. That whole scene where Harry was having a panic attack over it and Louis walking in on it and helping him was in my mind from the start when I had the idea of this story.
I didn't know if adding it now was better or further down the line but it's like, we need fluff too, within the drama so why not get most the drama outta the way?
HARRY FINALLY KISSED LOUIS BACK AHHH!
Anne-Marie is such a nice friend.
And now Harry and Louis will be going on dates n stuff, hmm? Ooo.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Last update of the night, it's 11pm dfghjkl.
Vote and comment and I'll see you in the next update
Stay Safe XOXOXOXOXXOXO