First lesson was okay.
I mean, sure, we have to finish this book by Thursday and it's a whole three hundred page book and slightly (very much) boring as fuck but, I mean, it could be worse, I guess. The teacher's nice, her name's Rebecca but she told us to call her Becky. She's very laid back and swore a lot so I guess that's where that rule gets put to rest.
I'm in the Co-op, needing to buy one, something for dinner and two, I feel like I need to get something for Louis as a sorry.
I toss some pasta into the basket, grabbing a pot of tomato sauce as it saves me making it from scratch. I decide on some spinach and buy some more fruit for the morning. I find some orange juice too as Niall drank all of mine last time with Louis, without fucking asking which I found was rude but I guess it's something they've done before so.
I go down the cereal aisle and spot the Coco pops. Now, I remember Louis getting quite annoyed with Zayn for him eating it so I'm only assuming he lives off of the stuff. I pop the cereal into the basket but I feel like it's not enough. I go down one aisle with a few stationary items and spot a pen and notebook set. It's very cute, if I do say so myself.
It's baby blue with a few unicorns displayed on the bottom, in the air, a rainbow and there's a rainbow pen too. It looks like something Louis would secretly love. He has this whole demeanour about him that gives off black and grey tones, like the way he dresses but I feel like deep down, there's something softer in him that would enjoy pink glitter and boas. I like pink glitter and boas but I've been too afraid to show that to anyone, really.
So I toss it into the basket before I can overthink this shit and go to pay.
The walk back is slow. The air is turning cooler and I didn't bring a coat earlier because we were rushing out the house. I can feel my hands turn slightly cold and goosebumps form up my arms. I look up at the trees peppering the pavement before the road, leaves turning from green to orange and reds, some already coiling in on themselves, turning brown and crispy before snapping off the branch and flitter down to the ground where they'll be whisked away by the breeze.
One falls onto my shoulder and I pick it up, twirling it between my forefinger and thumb. I wonder how much stuff it's seen throughout it's months on that tree. How many people it saw pass and the secrets it holds.
I press the code into the block of flat's door and it opens, allowing my inside. I walk slowly up the steps, suddenly feeling very exhausted.
I could do with a bloody nap.
I fumble for my keys to find the door is already unlocked, meaning someone's home. I push it open, kicking off my shoes and allowing the warmth from the heaters to chase the cold away. I go into the kitchen, unpacking my little products into their rightful places.
I pull out the coco pops and the notebook, chewing at my bottom lip. Do I, or do I not give it to him? Do I leave it on his bed for him to come home to as a surprise or wait for him to walk through the door and hand it to him?
God why am I feeling so nervous?
"You alright?" Someone says from behind me, startling me. I jump, swiveling around, heart hammering.
I look down slightly into his ocean blues eyes, suddenly feeling more nervous now. I simply nod, looking down at the objects in my hand and back up toward him.
"What's that you got?" He asks, motioning with his chin down toward them.
I hold them out for him and he tentatively takes them, brows furrowing.
"They're for you. I saw them and I know you needed coco pops and I found the unicorns cute." I shrug casually.
He looks up at me, mouth pulled down into a frown and damn it, did I do something wrong?
"Is this some kind of joke?" He asks, a bite to his tone.
"Wh-no? Why would I? It's meant as a gift," I reply, voice slightly squeaky.
He shakes his head. "The rainbows. Really?"
My eyes widen at the realisation. "Okay, I honestly forgot rainbows were a symbol for pride, I honestly just saw it and thought it was cute and thought you'd like it."
"So because I'm gay, you think I like cute things?" He asks but it's more curious than it is argumentative.
I shake my head quickly. "Not at all. I-" I sigh loud and slow. Why does he keep thinking like that? To be honest, my overthinking mind is no fucking better. "I'm sorry, again. If you don't like it I can take it back o-or give it to Marie or something." I go to take it from his hands but he pulls it away from me.
He shakes his head, giving me a weak smile. "Na, it's okay, it is pretty cute. Thanks."
"Louis, I really am sorry for earlier, I didn't mean it in a way to hurt you," I say honestly, hoping he can see I'm genuine by the way I'm looking at him.
He breaks into a smile and flicks his fingers inward as an invite, coming over and wrapping me into a hug. "It's alright, Curly. Thank you for the Coco pops and notebook."
I wrap my arms around his waist and I can smell the hint of vanilla on his skin and strawberry in his hair and my tummy does a weird roll. I tell it to shut the fuck up because I don't know if it was in a pleasant way or if it was from disgust- I'm not good at knowing what emotions are what.
I release the hug, clearing my throat and rubbing my earlobe between my index finger and thumb. "Well, I'm going to go read a few chapters of my book and take a nap, I'm pretty knackered."
He nods, patting my cheek. "Off you trot then, Hazza. We're gonna order pizza later, just so you know."
I give a smile and walk past him, going into my room and closing the door behind me. I let out a heaving breath, being able to breathe now that whole ordeal is over. I chew at my lip, stifling a yawn, going over to my desk and dropping into the chair.
I open my notebook and the Ali Smith book, opening it to chapter three where we left off on from class. I'll read to chapter eight, I think. I go into my desk drawer, pulling out the sticky tabs and begin reading, adding the coloured tabs whenever I see imagery and other techniques to create the story and realism. It's fucking boring me and my mind keeps drifting off to nowhere, daydreaming about nothing.
I grab my phone, putting on a Netflix show, season three of Lucifer as I begin skim reading the book.
I can't get past chapter five so I shut the book, lock my phone and climb into bed, feeling invited into it. I snuggle further into the pillow, finally some peace and fucking quiet compared to the nights where I'm rather retching or Louis is banging. Bile rises up in my throat at the sound of the other men's moans and I push it out of my mind. I fall into a deep sleep dreaming about being an angel, like Lucifer.
...
Someone's coming into my room and the sound stirs me out of my sleep.
It makes my heart hammer, stomach twisting, the unknown crawling up my skin like a shadow in the light. I grip onto the sheets, not knowing if opening my eyes would be better or being in the unknown is better.
"Haz, calm down, love, it's me," Louis' voice is soft and relief washes over me like a wave.
I let out the breath I was holding and open my eyes to see him peering down at me, grin on his face. He's not wearing his skinny jeans and yellow jumper, instead, he's wearing his fluffy onesie, hood propped up, hands sweater pawed.
"Pizza's here, you've been out for ages," He whispers, reaching over and tucking a curl behind my ear, making me flinch slightly. He drops his hand, looking down to his bare feet. "You hungry?"
I nod, sitting up right slowly and yawning. "Yeah, starving. Didn't have lunch, must've slept through it."
Something shifts behind Louis' eyes at the mention of me missing lunch but he quickly recovers, putting on a mask of some sort and gives me a wide grin. "Right then, Curly, gotta get you fed." He pats my knee and I stand, stretching, following him out the door and into the kitchen where the smell of cheese and dough wafts through the air with the laughter of my flatmates.
When they see us submerge, they give me a smile.
"Harry! Good for you to join us, sweetie!" Niall says, patting the seat between him and Zayn.
I take it, giving him a smile. "Hi. How long was I asleep for?" I ask, looking up to the clock.
"Around six and a half hours," Louis replies casually, grabbing some plates from the cupboard and some beers.
I shake my head at his offer of the drink and he shrugs, going into the fridge for some water from the pitcher, pouring it into a glass and sliding it over to me.
"We have pepperoni and we've got margarita," Liam says, pointing to the two pizza boxes.
Anne-Marie opens the smaller boxes. "And garlic bread, chips, nachos, chicken dippers and Louis insisted on cinnamon buns for afterwards."
I grab a slice of pepperoni and some of the side dishes, slapping it onto my plate. I do find it quite intimidating, people watching me eat. It's why I avoid restaurants. I find it anxiety inducing for me which is a pain in the fucking arse because I always miss out on dates and shit. One time, I stayed home for my sister's eighteenth when they went to a restaurant for her birthday because I had a fucking anxiety attack over it. It's annoying and my stomach churns just thinking about the people around me, judging me by the way I eat.
My tongue always pokes out first before I take a bite and I've tried to tell myself not to do it, that's it's unattractive and people will think it's weird but it's wired into my brain that that is how I'm supposed to eat.
I chew slower than usual, trying to make sure my lips don't smack together too much. There's chatter happening around me but I still feel like they're all staring me down, though no eyes are on me. It kind of makes me lose my appetite but it's been over seven hours since I last ate so it's probably best if I have a little something, at least.
"So, Harry, where is it you came from?" Liam asks, snapping me out of my thoughts and back into reality.
Now all eyes are on me and it makes me stop mid chew. I sit my pizza back down on the plate, fingers going to my ring and twisting at it.
"I come from Holmes Chapel," I mumble.
"Ah, I come from Bradford but I lived in Surrey for over two years now," Zayn announces.
Louis nods. "Yeah, Donny meself but I moved to Surrey too when-" He stops and he swallows, shaking his head as if to clear it. "I came down here with Niall, actually. Pretty coincidental."
I turn to Niall who's nodding. "So I was born in Ireland but then my parents moved to Donny when I was one. I then spent the years in primary school there with Lou and when we were both around fourteen, both our parents had to move for their jobs. They worked at the same place, you see and they were moving building so we both moved together in the same area and still haven't left each other since."
"It's where we met each other," Liam chimes in. "Born Wolverhampton but moved to Surrey too when I was two. I live in Woking now, ever since. Went to the same secondary school as these three idiots." He points to Louis, Zayn and Niall, taking a bite of his pizza.
"That's so sweet," Marie chimes in. "I just didn't want to be too close to home and I decided why not go somewhere a little different. Reading it was. I lived by the coast when I was younger."
"I've wanted to have a place down by the coast," I input. "Wind makes nice waves."
Liam snorts and Niall cackles at my statement and I heat red, shoulders scrunching up to my ears.
"Yeah," Louis agrees and I feel his foot brush against mine for a moment from under the table.
I look up to see him grinning at me, taking a huge bite of his pizza that it puffs out his cheeks like an overloaded pouch on a hamster.
"So what made you choose a place further from home?" Marie asks me.
I shrug. "Wanted to be independent and I thought the best way for that was to move as far away from my mum and dad as possible or else they'd coddle me for the rest of my twenties an possibly thirties, too."
Marie groans as if she's reliving my sentiment. "Fucking, tell me about it! My mum tried to make me stay home and do it through online lessons because she would miss me too much. More like she'd miss the dishwasher, that's practically all I was to her." She shakes her head.
I nod. "Mum still acted I was five. On the drive here, she refused me to go to McDonald's because 'there would be food there.'" I roll my eyes and Niall laughs.
"Well, we give you permission to have Maccies whenever you fuckin' want, baby." He pulls me into his chest, stroking my hair and pecking the top of my head with his lips with an over emphasised "Mwuah!"
The conversation drifts and everyone basically pairs off to talk to each other. Marie and Zayn talking about linguistics, Niall and Liam talking about lacrosse and the girls that will be on the bleachers for Niall's sake. Louis listens in on Niall and Liam's conversation, nodding and humming whenever he feels fit.
I just stare at my plate, picking at the pepperoni and rearranging it to make myself look busy, a little nervous to eat in case someone will say I look weird or need to chew quieter.
Someone's foot pokes mine and I look over to see Louis leaning over the table to get closer.
"You alright, love?" He asks quietly. I nod, looking back down to my plate. "You should eat, Haz, get something in you." I shake my head. I see him swallow. "What is it?" He asks.
I chew at my lip, not sure if I should open up or not. But he's told me something already, told me his sexuality which, for some people, takes guts so I suck it up. "I'm scared everyone's gonna judge me," I whisper.
He lets out a breath. "H, you need to eat. No one's gonna judge you, have you seen the way Ni eats?"
We look over to Niall who's shoveling chip after chip in his mouth until he can't no more, chewing with his mouth just slightly open now and again until he swallows.
I look back over to Louis who is giving me a reassuring smile. "Go on," He urges, looking down at the pizza. He grabs his own and takes a bite, a piece of cheese stringing before it snaps off and lands on his chin.
I have the urge to pull it off because it looks quite honestly disgusting but I don't. I just watch him use the side of his finger to lift it up and suck the cheese off his finger.
My mouth feels suddenly dry and I chug the water before nibbling a piece of the pizza and Louis' eyes fucking lighten up so brightly when I do, he's almost looking like the sun rays through the crack in the windows in the summer.
We finish off with dinner and I help Marie wash the dishes.
"Want to take it in turns to read a chapter together? I couldn't get past chapter freaking four," Marie ponders, stacking the plate into the drying rack whilst I pick it up to dry it, the bubbles coating my hands.
I nod. "Yeah, that would be good. If we get up to chapter ten today, then do chapter ten to chapter twenty tomorrow, we could probably get to chapter thirty before the lesson on Thursday," I reply.
"I'm glad we got the day off tomorrow. Maybe we could go to the library or something and study there, too," She suggests and I hum in agreement.
We finish off cleaning up and after I retrieve my book, we go into her room. I haven't been in her room yet and it's pretty much the same as mine in the terms of the wall colour and floor.
Her wall has inspirational quote posters stuck to it. Power ones about women can do what men do and stuff, which A-fucking-men. She has a framed photo on her desk that is littered with pastel stationary and books. Her bookshelf is also filled with different types of books, mostly the set material ones. Her bed is covered in fluffy throw pillows, pinks and blues, duvet pink much like her hair.
She kicks a pillow off the floor and it lands on the bed. "Sorry about the mess."
I wave her off. "It's alright, could be worse."
She gestures to the bed. "You can sit on the bed if you want, comfier than the chair."
I sit on the end of the bed, back against the wall and legs crossed. She turns on the lamp on the desk, illuminating the room in a soft orange glow. She lays on the bed beside me, toes almost touching my thigh, head against the headboard.
"Tell me about it, I almost broke my back from sitting on mine earlier," I reply and she giggles, shaking her head.
"Right, who's gonna start the reading? I can if you want, I don't really mind," She says with a slight shrug.
I nod. "Alright. I already got up to chapter five so I'll read that one for us."
She nods, clearing her throat. "Sorry if my voice gets annoying after a while, I know I don't like it so I'm sure it'll annoy you too."
I shake my head. "Your voice is amazing, A, trust me."
She smiles, looking down into the book. "Right. Chapter four..."
I follow along as she speaks, eyes darting along the words quickly as she rambles on. I stick tabs onto the sides where I've missed a few pointers and she does the same, stopping with her reading for a few moments to add the tabs before continuing again.
Soon, chapter five comes and I feel a little anxious. Thankfully it's not like I'm in a massive group reading. It's just Marie and she's heard me speak before, so it's all okay.
"Just so you know, I may stumble over my words a bit and might stutter and I might be slower at talking it than you were," I point out, not taking any chances. I just hope she doesn't get frustrated with me.
She shakes her head. "It's fine, H, really. Take your time, yeah?"
I nod, peeling a bit of dry skin from my lip with my teeth. "Okay. Chapter five..."
I begin reading, stumbling over my words a little and I pause, a moment to compose myself before continuing, playing with the cross on my necklace without even realising it.
Just as I'm halfway through chapter seven, there's a moan ripping through the semi quiet and Marie and I snap our heads up to look at each other. The moan happens again and Marie places her hand to her mouth to suppress a laugh.
"Oh my God, he couldn't wait until we were sleeping," She whispers to me.
The sound of the bed hitting a wall- my wall- accompanies the moan and I put my head in my hands.
"He couldn't go one night without his cock inside someone? Or their cock inside him? Wha- why? It's really gross to hear, A." I hit my head against the wall with a thud.
Marie breathes out a laugh. "I know. It's not the best to hear but at least we know his bits still work the right way."
I laugh through my nose at that, shaking my head. It continues and it's getting quite annoying now and uncomfortable to hear. I squirm in the spot.
"Fuck, Lewis! Deeper, God, Fuck, so good!" A voice screams out on a moan and it makes the pizza in my stomach roll unpleasantly. He really called Louis, Lewis? Get his fucking name right at least.
I sigh, getting up. "I've had enough of this," I mumble, stalking over to the wall.
"Harry..." Marie slowly pipes out.
I don't listen to the warning in her tone, just put my hand into a fist and bash against the wall where the desk is, making the pens in the pot rattle from the vibrations. It's a hollow wall so it sounds louder than it should be.
The moans falter.
"Will you shut the fuck up! Jesus fuckin' Christ! We are trying to study. Study a book, Lou instead of an other's cock, just for one night! Please!" I yell out, shaking my head.
Marie bursts into a fit of giggles behind me, using a throw pillow to bury her head into it to muffle the laughter. I turn around, a smile pulling at my lips. She looks up at me.
"I can't believe you just did that," She giggles.
I roll my eyes. "It's fucking annoying."
I go to sit back down but the moans begin picking up again.
"I swear to all that is Holy, if he moans one more time," I say and the moan rips through the air.
That does it. I've had enough for one night.
I spring off the bed, book still very much in my grasp and leave the room, going right and don't even bother knocking. I just slam the door open.
Covers flail in the air as Louis is pulling out of someone and I lob the book at his head. It hits him in the forehead and he hisses, swinging his hand up to it.
"I said, read a fucking book!" I point to the other guy, barely being able to see them through the darkness of the room. "Whoever the fuck you are, get out of my flat because I am not wanting to hear one more moan ripping out of your filthy mouth!" I turn around, slamming the door behind me and walk back into Marie's room, giving her a hug goodnight because I can't continue without my book and go into my own room.
I get changed for bed and pull the covers up over my waist, grabbing my phone to text mum, dad and Gemma, letting them know how my first day of classes went.
A while later, my door is being slammed open and a furious looking Louis is in the doorway, throwing daggers my way, cheeks red and I don't know if it's from his actions or his emotions. His jaw is set and he throws the book at me, hitting me in the nose and I groan, swinging my hand up to it because it's throbbing now.
"Ow!" I squeak.
He stalks into the room, placing his hands either side of my body, face inches from mine and it makes me anxious. Images of my biological father when I was four coming to my mind where he cornered me and came up to my face, whisky scenting his breath as he shouted at me.
My body begins to shake slightly but I hide it, looking up into Louis eyes.
"What the fuck was that about?" He screams at me and my throat may have just closed completely shut.
I swallow the lump there. "W-we were both agitated by it," I say back, not as loud and powerful as I wanted my voice to be.
His eyes squint slightly. "It's my fuckin' life, I can do whatever the damn well I want with it!" He screams.
I shake my head, his face mirroring over Louis' and it makes me feel stuck. "I'm sorry," I whisper.
"If I want one night stands, then I'll bloody well do it!" He continues, voice getting louder. "You have no right trying to control me, Harry!"
I shake my head again, hands trembling under the covers, heart hammering, feeling like led. Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop.
"I-I d-didn't say I was," I say, avoiding his eye contact, not wanting him to see the fear there.
He grumbles, his hands on my outer thighs feeling like anvils pressing down there, though I know he isn't even squeezing. I can almost smell the whiskey that was there those years ago and my mind reels with more images, him hitting me, him screaming at mum, mum and Gemma crying, me crying, him coming back for round fucking two.
Our eyes meet when my eyes dart around and his face relaxes, the crease in his brows smoothing out, jaw not clenched anymore. His eyes give a softer look and he instantly takes his hands off of me but I feel like I've just been burnt.
"Harry," He mutters.
I shake my head. "P-please, get out." I point to the door weakly, drawing my legs up to my chest, heart thudding quicker and quicker and my breaths come out shallower and shallower. I don't want him to see me like this, it's too much too soon. "Please," I whisper, the tears springing to my eyes now.
"Haz."
I shake my head, body trembling like a leaf in the breeze outside. One more breath and I'll be falling like they do. I can't breathe and the anxiety feels like a knife stabbing through my ribs, through my chest and straight into my heart, twisting it this way and that along with my stomach and I'm sure I'll lose the contents there soon.
"Harry, are you okay?" He asks gently.
I shake my head, feeling the weight press deeper and deeper and I'm sure the walls are pressing in on me. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, get out, please get out, I'm sorry!" I yell through my hollow breaths, hitting my head against the wall a little to try and shake the anxiety out of it but it doesn't.
I hear him shuffle out the room.
"You're a pathetic excuse of a son! I wish you were never fuckin' born! You're weak, you're just a piece of shit on the bottom of a shoe! Without you, life would be so much better!" His cold voice booms behind my ears and I curl further in on myself, trying to get away from him. The whiskey and smoke mingle into one in my nose. "You're the reason this family has gone to shit!"
I'm hyperventilating and my chest aches each sharp shallow breath I take in and out. I squeeze my eyes shut but all I can see is him shouting at me. My nose runs, snot and tears mixing into one on the cupid's bow above my lip.
I haven't reverted back to that day in fucking years and one argument with my roommate sets me back there again. I really am fucking weak. I believe it was the reason my anxiety started up in the first place but I can't be too sure.
There's a light knock on the door and footsteps.
I tense. He's here, he's here, it's round two, the beating starts now. The hit to the face, the kick in the stomach starts fucking now and I'm not ready for it. I'm not wanting it to happen again.
"I-I-I," I try but it doesn't come, words dying on my tongue.
Arms wrap around me, pulling me into them and they rock us side to side, running a hand up and down my back in small circles soothingly.
"Harry, darling, I need you to breathe for me, okay? Breathe," He says, his voice is slightly deep and gentle, nothing compared to my father's.
"I-I-I c-can't," I wheeze out. "C-c-can't b-b-b...b-breathe."
"Shh. Zayn's got you. Louis didn't mean to scare you, darling. He was upset and angry, he wasn't thinking straight." Zayn cradles me to his chest like a mother would their child. His breathing is slow, measured, calm. Mine is erratic, shallow, quick.
I try to copy the way he's breathing but it only does so much.
"Harry, open your eyes," Zayn instructs softly and I slowly pry them open, the world spinning slightly, fuzzy and starry. "Listen to me, darling, what can you see?"
I breathe through my nose quickly, looking around the room with darting eyes. "M-my desk."
He nods. "Good, what else?"
"Y-you. A p-p-pen. The b-book."
He leans his head against mine, hand still soothing my back. "What can you hear?" He asks.
"Y-y-you. T-the heat-ter, m-my br-eathing."
"What can you feel?"
"T-the covers, your hand o-on my back, my ring." I look down at the ring on my finger, glinting back at me from the dim lights of the room.
My breathing slows, evening out now.
Zayn smiles. "That's good, Harry, keep taking slow, deep breaths, in throw the nose, out through the mouth."
I do as I'm told.
"Louis would've stayed with you, he just doesn't know how to deal with someone else having panic attacks," He explains and I wonder what he means by 'someone else.' Is he implying that Louis gets them too? I hope not, no one should go through the feelings of one.
I simply nod, sniffing and using the hem of my pyjama top to wipe my nose and the tears away from my cheek. "I'm sorry," I whisper.
Zayn shakes his head. "There is fuck all for you to be sorry about. Louis deserved a telling off, he should've known better than to not consider everyone else in this flat. He's been selfish. He didn't need to shout at you like that."
I cuddle further into Zayn, just enjoying his contact which is soft and gentle. It reminds me of Gemma and I miss her. "He made me have no escape," I whisper. "He was like him, I couldn't get out."
Zayn's brows crease. "Whatever happened, Harry, is in the past. And Louis would never, ever try hurting you. Not on purpose anyway."
I grab the book from beside me. "I threw this book at him and he threw it at me." I touch my nose which is still tender but from the sniffling, I don't think is broken.
Zayn rolls his eyes. "I mean, an eye for an eye, right? No but seriously, H, he didn't mean to hurt you, I promise you that. I've known Louis since secondary. He's... he's had some troubles in the past which is not my place to say but he is a good person."
I nod. "Okay."
He kisses my temple. "Right then. It is way past your bedtime, you have class in the morning." He gives me a grin and I give him a weak smile back. "Get some rest, Harry. He won't be fucking tonight, thank fuck. We can all sleep."
I give a slight nod of my head, he pushes me off him slightly so he can stand up.
"Are you okay now? Or do you want me to stay a little longer?"
I shake my head. "You can go, I'll be okay. Thank you, Z, I haven't had a panic attack over that in a while and it's quite embarrassing," I mumble, looking down at my lap.
"Hey. You don't need to be embarrassed by it. I'm always here to help, we all are, including Lou." He gives me a smile. "Goodnight, Harry."
"Night Z."
He closes the door and I'm left with my own thoughts about what the actual fuck just happened and what am I gonna do now?
A/N- Hi!
Okay this wasn't supposed to be this long of a chapter dfghjkl. I feel like there's gonna be more longer chapters as well as shorter ones throughout the book so bare with that.
So we find out what started Harry's anxiety to spark :(. Zayn's a good friend tho :)
Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Sorry if it was a bit intense. There's some other intensity during the book hehe.
Both boys have a troubling past, just so you're aware.
Vote and comment and I'll see you in the next chapter
Stay safe XOXOOXXOXOXO