All two hundred and fifty questions take me forever to get through and when I finally reach the end, I stare at the 'finish' button, unable to click on it. I am frozen with fear.
What am I going to do if James was right about everything?
And if he was wrong, what is he going to do?
I'm terrified of both scenarios.
The results of this test are going to change my life. I shouldn't have agreed to this. At first I thought for sure that James couldn't be right.
But now I can't help but wonder. It would explain all the fucked up feelings I've been having.
I stare at the screen, knowing that so many answers to so many questions are on the other side of that 'finish' button.
Am I ready to confront the truth?
I'm so tired of feeling conflicted, tired of wondering exactly what I want and why James can make me feel the way he does just with his words. It's driving me insane!
I click the button.
The screen changes to a long brick of text and with a heavy sigh, I begin to read. It starts out by telling me about my personality.
People with your personality type tend to be more introverted, but you specifically require social interaction on a regular basis or else your feelings of loneliness threaten to overwhelm you.
You're generally a fairly trusting individual who keeps up a strong, independent facade most of the time for fear of being hurt or being viewed as weak or vulnerable.
In all actuality you crave being taken care of. If a person gains your absolute trust and respect, you will let your guard down for them. You ultimately become more dependent and softer towards this individual, able to express your honest feelings to them as well as your needs and wants.
Well.
You have a strong sense of justice and when you see something dubious happening you usually speak up about it. But your explosive temper prevents you from bringing problems up in a respectful way and you often lash out, causing yourself unnecessary consequences.
You know what, weird Persona test? Fuck you!
I keep reading.
You tend to live life on the indulgent side. You often have very little or no self-control and you generally have a hard time knowing when to quit.
Well, that was startlingly accurate.
There's more information about my personality and I skim through it, not caring to be met with any more uncomfortable truths.
The damn test knows about all my hobbies, likes and dislikes, it even mentions my sugar addiction and basically tells me that I swear too much. God, it's like James wrote this himself.
It tells me everything about myself and what I like. How the hell can it get someone's entire personality so completely accurate? And I wasn't expecting the test to be so blatant and forward with the answers.
When it gets to the last part before the conclusion I freeze. It's labeled 'romance and sex life' and I almost close the whole program down but I stop myself, taking a deep breath. No. I need answers. I begin to read.
Sexuality: straight
I roll my eyes. No, I definitely didn't know that!
Preferences: you tend to like men with dark hair and chiseled features. The trait you admire from someone the most is their eyes.
Did James write this? No, he couldn't have. I've never told him how enchanting his eyes are to me. God. I've got some problems.
Into bdsm: yes
Oh. My. God.
Role: submissive/slave
The rest of the test results seem to fade away as I stare at those words.
I shut my eyes, taking in a deep breath.
He was right.
How? How did he know when I was yelling at him?! How does he know me better than I know myself?
I want to deny the test results, but I know they're accurate. I felt it my first day here. I've been lying to myself this whole time, hiding from my own feelings.
My goddamn terribly fucked up feelings! I shouldn't want this life. I shouldn't find any joy or pleasure in this and yet I do.
Part of me likes when James forces me to listen to him. Okay, maybe a lot of me likes it. But I shouldn't. I should have spent the last twelve days attempting to escape.
And even now, thinking these thoughts, I can't bring myself to do it. I... don't want to. Toby was right. I don't want to leave him. What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm so overwhelmed from the truth that I can't help it. I start to cry.
"Why am I so fucked up?" I sob, dropping to my knees as I cry.
Damn James Harrington for awakening these feelings inside of me. Damn him for being right. Fucking bastard!
"This would all be so much easier if I hated him!" Then I remember that I'm supposed to go find him in the library.
Yes. I'll do that. I'll go find him and give him a piece of my mind. He's known this whole time and he didn't even tell me!
I get up and start towards the door right as James comes into the room, startling me.
I stare up into those gorgeous, intense eyes, frozen in place.
"Are you okay?" His words are so impossibly gentle that they send a shiver coursing through my veins.
I open my mouth to berate him, to yell at him for doing this to me. For not just telling me this himself. I want to scream at him for being so frustrating and devious. But all the fight has left my body, replaced with absolute shame.
"What is wrong with me?!" I ask, burying my head in my hands.
"Erin." James says my name so tenderly, like I'm the only thing in this world that matters, sending a burning sensation rushing through my core.
He steps towards me, grabbing my wrist and pulling me against him, wrapping his arms tight around my waist. The disquiet in my soul seems to settle as he holds me close.
"Shhhh," he coaxes, running his fingers through my hair. When I've finally stopped crying, he pulls away a little, staring down at me.
"There is nothing wrong with you." His words are so raw, they could only be the truth.
"It's okay to want this, Erin," he tells me.
"It is?" I ask, sniffling. Though I don't know why I'm asking him.
James nods. "It's okay to satisfy that inherent need inside of you to submit," he whispers softly, rubbing my back soothingly. He makes it sound so easy, like it's the only real choice I have. I don't know, maybe it is.
"Surrender to me, Erin. Let me take care of you," James whispers, his words dark but tender as he pulls me against him again.
"I promise I won't ever harm you. I want only what's best for you," he tells me softly, and the strange thing is that I believe him.
I've been conflicted for almost two weeks and it's been exhausting. Giving in does sound nice. Surrendering to him sounds freeing. My trust in James is still shaky, but it can't ever grow into something more if I don't let it.
Despite everything, I want this. I really do want this.
"Okay," I breathe out in agreement, wrapping my arms around his waist again.
It feels like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like I can breathe again for the first time since he brought me here.
He presses a soft kiss to my forehead that fills me up with butterflies.
"That's my good girl," James whispers to me, sending heat rushing through every vein.
As he holds me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear, I think I'm already falling in love with him. that I'm going to lose our little game. And I'm starting to think that might not be such a bad thing after all.
"And I don't ever want you to think there's something wrong with you, Erin," he whispers as he sits down on the sofa, pulling me close.
"You are absolutely perfect just the way you are."