I clutched on tight to the post it note as I walked back to my apartment. I couldn't help the tears from building in my eyes. I tried to hard to not let them fall, to not let him get to me.
So everything he said to me was a lie? Him being nice to me was just an act? His promise to start over; he didn't mean any of it?
There's no way that's true. No one is that awful. I needed an explanation.
I frantically searched around my pockets for my phone. I dialed his number and waited for him to pick up.
One ring. Two rings. Three rings. Four rings. Five-
"What?" He answered annoyed.
I sniffled before replying. "Shawn what d-"
He cut me off. "Didn't you read the note I left you?"
I paused, "well yeah, but I don't understa-"
He cut me off again. "How do you not understand? I never liked you. It was all a big joke." He paused waiting for my response. I couldn't say anything.
"Wait...you actually thought that I liked you?" He laughed, "Cassie you're nothing, just some random girl my agency is paying to follow me around. I told you when we first met and I'll tell you again; there is no way that I'll ever like you. If you're expecting us to get along or something, you might as well just stop dreaming."
Each world was like a dagger to my chest.
"Get over it. I have to go. We're landing" And then he hung up. I just sat there on the ground staring straight ahead with the phone still to my ear. I couldn't help but start silently crying.
How could he do this to me?
•
After a couple days of staying home and being depressed, not just about Shawn, but also about missing the trip, I told myself that he wasn't worth it. Yeah I was sad that I didn't get to go to LA, but there will be other opportunities. Now I'm just pissed.
I can't believe I let him string me along. I felt stupid and ashamed, just blindly listening to him. I felt my walls go up, strong and unbreakable. I was never going to let him take advantage of me ever again. He was officially the biggest asshole I have ever met. Him being my celebrity crush? That was long gone now. I never wanted to see him again.
But unfortunately for me, I had to.
Him and Andrew were coming over to "see how I was doing." I found out that Andrew thought I didn't come with them because I was sick. That's what Shawn told him.
Shawn has also been texting me threatening me to not tell Andrew. He said he would make my life worse if I did. I don't know what to do.
Suddenly I heard a knock. A deep breath was taken in, before I walked over to the door and opened it up.
Standing outside was a concerned Andrew and a smug Shawn.
"Hi Cassie, how are you feeling? I heard you had the flu." Andrew spoke first, putting his hand to my forehead. He was so nice and caring. I can't believe he has to represent Shawn. I guess what they say is true: bad things always happen to good people.
My eyes met with Shawn's. He was giving me a hard glare, daring me to tell him. For some reason, seeing him after what he did to me made me feel a bit timid.
I quickly looked away and back to Andrew. "I'm...feeling better now." I hesitantly said.
"That's what I thought." I heard Shawn mumble quietly. I guess Andrew didn't hear because he continued on.
"That's great to hear!" Andrew said. "Now let's debrief on what you missed to get you caught up." He exclaimed, walking towards the couch with Shawn in tow.
As Shawn passed, he rammed his shoulder into mine with a smirk on his face.
I stood there for a second. Suddenly I was seeing red. Why am I letting this asshole get away with it? For what? This man seriously has no remorse. If he doesn't feel sorry on his own, I'll make him sorry.
"Actually Andrew," I spun around, "I'm not feeling better. You know why? I wasn't sick in the first place. Shawn purposely made me miss the flight so I wouldn't come with you to LA." I confessed.
Shawn's eyes went wide. He probably didn't think I had the balls to tell Andrew the truth. But he was sorely mistaken. I promised myself I would never let him walk all over me and that promise starts now.
Andrew's mouth dropped open in shock as he slowly turned to Shawn. His face became red in anger. "You did what?" He asked through gritted teeth.
"Uhhhhh-" Shawn began but didn't know why to say. This is the first time I've seen him at a loss for words.
I spoke up. "I was going to let it slide to not make matters worse between Shawn and I, since he told me he would make my life a living hell if you found out, but I can't do that. I can't let him get away with it. Oh! And that whole act he put on about starting over with me and being friends? He didn't mean any of it."
Andrew looked like he would explode at any minute. He turned to me. "Cassie I'm so sorry, but can you please wait in the hallway for a second. I need to talk to Shawn alone for a moment." I could tell he was trying to hold back his rage.
"Sure." I said. As I walked towards the door, I slammed my shoulder into Shawn's side, harder than he did to me, a smirk on my own face.
I closed the door and waited outside. As soon as the door clicked, I could hear yelling. I couldn't hear everything they were saying, but it sounded bad. It made me smile. Finally I was giving him a taste of his own medicine. I put my ear against the door.
"HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME."
"SHES UPROOTED HER WHOLE LIFE TO BE HERE AND YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS."
"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE."
Just a few of the things I heard Andrew say.
I laughed to myself. Karma's a bitch.
The door handle jiggled so I jumped back to make it seem like I wasn't listening.
Shawn came out with his eyes narrowed and hands balled into fists. He gave me a vicious look as he walked past me. "Wait for me in the car Shawn. We'll talk more about this later." Andrew called after him.
Andrew then gestured me back into the apartment and closed the door. "Cassie I am so unbelievably sorry that he would do this. If I had known I would have never let him get away with it. I don't even know what to do to make it up to you. What he did is unforgivable. He's definitely going to be penalized for this don't you worry. And I'll raise your pay, how's that?" He was so frantic.
"Andrew It's not your fault," I tried to calm him down. "He just hates me for some reason. I don't know why, but I'm fine." I lied. I'm putting on a front on the outside, but I'm definitely still hurt and angry on the inside.
He gave me a weary look. "I'm just so sorry about him. I really don't know what's gotten into him lately. These past couple months he's just been so hard to deal with."
"It's okay." I reassured him again, patting his back. "Let's just get back to the meeting. Tell me what I missed in LA."
"Okay. I'll just go over really quick what we discussed on the business trip. Take a seat." He gestured to my couch. I obliged and sat across from him.
"You didn't miss much, we just had meetings about this and that." Andrew said, getting down to brass tax. "We talked about your relationship and they seem to really be liking Shawn's public behavior recently. He hasn't been in any controversies or tainted his image since you guys started "dating", so that's definitely a good sign. As for the fans response, it doesn't seem so good at the moment, but that was to be expected. The fans don't know you yet, so the more they see you, the more they'll like you. This has happened with all of Shawn's past girlfriends." I made a promise to myself when I agreed to fake date Shawn that I would not look at the social media conversation surrounding our relationship. I know I must have a lot of haters. I didn't want to see it anyway. Andrew's definitely sugar-coating it for my sake though.
"Good." I replied.
"And I just wanted to remind you that Shawn has an appearance coming up this weekend on SNL as the musical guest. We'll all arrive together and you can watch with us in the audience. Sound good?" He asked. I totally forgot about that. That got me excited. I nodded my head vigorously.
"Alright then! I will see myself out. Don't let Shawn get you down, and don't worry, I'll make him pay for doing that to you. I'll call you in the morning. And again, I'm so so so sorry on his behalf." He apologetically smiled and gave me a tight hug before walking out.
Whatever Andrew does to Shawn, he'll get over it. A smile crept onto my face thinking about Andrew yelling at him. He deserved it. I just hope he won't take it out on me......
But he probably will.
At least I get to see SNL.
•
SNL time!
Since the other day I've been trying to forget Shawn and focus on SNL. This was like a dream come true! I'll get to meet the cast and be in the crowd of one of the most iconic shows ever! Excited was an understatement. I definitely was not going to let Shawn ruin it.
We arrived at the studio around 3 because Shawn had to do sound check.
We exited the black SUV holding hands. Shawn signed some autographs and took pictures as we entered. Once we were inside, we immediately let go of each other's hands and moved away from each other.
"Shawn! Andrew! Cassie! Hello!" A stagehand spoke with a huge smile on her face. She shook each of our hands and motioned us to follow her. "Just follow me down this way so we can check you in!"
"Perfect!" Andrew replied as we walked down a long hallway. They began talking about stuff related to the show tonight, but I was not paying attention. There were pictures covering the walls on either side of musical guests and celebrity hosts as well as the cast of the show. Each picture was autographed and framed. I gawked at all of them, not believing that I was walking the same hallway that some of my favorite artists walked. It was so cool!
We were lead to a room near the end of the hallway. "This will be your dressing room. You can put all your stuff in here. We've got some food over here on the table if you get hungry so enjoy! Make yourselves at home and someone will be down to take you to the studio momentarily." She chirped, turning to us.
We thanked her and watched her walk out. Once she closed the door, I couldn't hold it in anymore.
"This is so cool! Did you see all the pictures in the hallway?! I can't believe I'm actually here!" I blurted out, facing Andrew. He chuckled at my enthusiasm.
I put my things down, ignoring Shawn's annoyed expression and sat down on the couch. I laid back and closed my eyes, breathing it all in.
A little while later a person came to get us and bring us to the stage for Shawn's soundcheck. I freaked out again once we got to the stage and I swore this time I saw Shawn smile. He quickly covered it with his usual frown.
Soundcheck went well, and after that, Shawn went back to the dressing room to get ready and stuff for the show, but I decided to stay and watch the rest of the cast practice their skits. They were all hilarious! The same stagehand who brought us to our room asked if I wanted to meet them, to which I of course said yes. She introduced us and we spent the next couple of hours chatting between sketches. They were so cool in person! I also got to take some pictures with them. It was truly a dream come true.
I sat down in my chair in the crowd next to Andrew when the show started. We were front row!
When it was closer to being Shawn's time to perform, I got up to use the bathroom. Shawn wasn't my favorite person right now, but I had never seen him perform live.
I walked down the hallway back to the dressing room where I knew there was a bathroom, and I also wanted to grab some gum from my purse. There was a do not disturb sign on the door, so I asked a passing studio employee what was going on in there. They told me that apparently Shawn said he has a preshow ritual that he does and he wanted to be alone. The guy then rushed to the stage.
I waited outside for a second but then thought, fuck that. He wouldn't give me the same courtesy, so I walked right in.
I was not at all expecting to see what was behind that door.
I looked around the room in shock as I cautiously walked in further. Papers, empty water bottles, and clothes were littering the floor. It looked as if someone robbed the place. But there's no way, security was tight here. From somewhere in the room I could hear gasping breath and strangled cries. I craned my neck from side to side in order to find out where the noise was coming from.
I gasped when I noticed Shawn's figure on the floor. I ran over to him, my heart instantly started racing. "Shawn?!" I yelled, forgetting that I hated this man. I had to see if he was okay first.
"Shawn?!" I shrieked again, tears forming in my eyes. When I knelt down to his side, I got a good look at him. He was pale, and I mean pale as a ghost. Beads of sweat slid down his face. He was violently shaking. Something serious was happening with him. His head snapped towards me, watery eyes wide and pupils dilated.
"Ge-et ou-t." He stuttered out. What?
"Shawn what's wrong?!" I frantically asked. "Are you okay? Did you do this to the room?" I grabbed his shoulders trying to sit him up against the wall. it seemed as if he had no strength. I realized that not only was his face sweating, but his whole body was.
"N-Nothing's wr-wrong." He said between strangled sobs. "Go."
"I'm not leaving Shawn. Here-let me call Andrew." I fumbled with my phone as I hurriedly tried to look for his contact.
"No!" He yelled, shaky hands yanked my phone out of my grasp before throwing it across the room. "It always-s onl-ly lasts a f-few minutes."
Wait. "This isn't the first time?!" I asked, rushing to the bathroom and grabbing a rag. I ran it under cold water before swiftly going back to Shawn. I knelt down again, dabbing it over his face to rid him of the sweat.
"N-No, b-but I'm fine." He let out a sob. "I-it will end s-soon."
"Wha-" I was about to ask, then I had a memory.
The only thing I could think of this being was an panic attack. One of my sisters back home has anxiety and goes through similar episodes.
I did what I thought was the only way I could help him. I used a method that usually helped my sister. I sat on his lap to stop his movements and pulled him in for a hug. I held his head against my chest.
"Shawn, I need you to take deep breaths, okay? In through your nose and out through your mouth." I tried to say gently, to calm him down.
"I said I'm-fine-" he tried to push me off of him.
"No Shawn," I held him firmly. "I need you to trust me okay? Just do as I say." I started to breath in through my nose and out my mouth, showing him what I needed him to do.
He hesitantly stopped pushing me away. Good.
"Come on Shawn, just like me. Just like I'm doing." He slowly began following my instructions.
"Okay good. Now do you hear my heartbeat?" I asked.
"Y-yeah." He croaked.
"Good. Just focus on my heart beating. Close your eyes and focus on my heart beating. Try to count the beats." I gently rubbed his back as I spoke. I felt him start relaxing in my arms.
"Good. Try to breathe with me okay?" I tried to remain calm.
He did as I asked. We sat like that for a while, and soon, his breathing was almost back to normal. Thank god.
"Shawn. How do you feel?" I asked pulling away slightly, rag still in my hand. He looked up at me with an unreadable expression.
When he didn't say anything, I raised my eyebrows. "Did you hear me? I said how do you feel?"
He blinked before answering, "better."
"Good." I let out a sigh of relief. When I moved to get off of him, his arms tightened around me. What is he doing?
"Shawn?" I asked confused. Once he realized what he was doing, he immediately pushed me off of him and stood up, shaking his head.
We stared at each other for a few short moments. "Um, can you pretend that you didn't see that?" He asked.
"Do you have anxiety?" I asked him, ignoring his question. I just wanted to confirm what I already knew.
"No I don't have anxiety," he said defensively, "I just get nervous sometimes performing in front of crowds. It's no big deal." He tried to brush it off.
"Wait, does this happen every time you perform then?" I pried. He didn't say anything, avoiding my eyes.
"Have you seen a doctor about this?" Again, nothing. If he does this before every performance, then it must be something serious.
"Shawn I think you have performance anxiety. You need to see a doctor about this. They can give you breathing exercises and prescribe you things to help-"
"I don't have anxiety alright?" He was starting to get angry. "Just leave it alone. I don't need your help. I'm totally fine, see?" He asked, gesturing to himself.
"I really think you should-"
"Just leave it alone. And don't tell anyone you saw that. I need to get ready for the show." He brushed past me and into the bathroom, slamming the door.
I stood there quiet for a minute, just thinking. Shawn has anxiety, I'm sure of it. He hides it behind his anger. It seems like he hasn't told anyone about it either.
I sighed. No matter how angry he makes me, I can't ignore this. It hits too close to home with my sister and everything. So although he hates me, and makes me want to punch him most of the time, I have to do something.