Chapter 32
Angel
"Ang tatanga n'yo... Mag-ingay kayo," bulong ni Anikka.
"So, what's up, guys! Welcome to my vlog! So ngayon, kakain na tayo! Nyarp nyarp!" sabi kaagad ni Jaya habang kumakaway sa camera niyang hindi naman naka-on.
Ngayon... ko lang ulit siya nakita. I didn't get to see him long earlier, tho. At hindi rin naman kailangan. Naririnig ko ang parinig ni Maddizon dahil magkatabi kami ni Jasro. Palagi siyang gan'yan... Ang tanda tanda niya na, at hanggang ngayon ba ay hindi pa rin nila alam ang totoo, huh?
I think I just have to act like I don't care about their presence anymore. Na hindi na ako apektado...
I laughed with my friends as if they weren't around. Pero kahit isang minuto, hindi naging kalmado ang puso ko. It was ferocious and uncontrollable.
"Do you want this?" tanong ni Jasro sa akin habang umiinom ako ng tubig.
Umiling ako. May narinig na naman akong sinabi ni Maddizon, hindi ko nga lang maintindihan dahil sa distansya ng aming mga lamesa.
"Tumigil ka Jasro..." Pinanlakihan ng mga mata ni Jaya ang katabi ko. "Mas lalo lang uulanin ng kritisismo 'yang si Weya..."
"The fuck," Jasro cussed and rolled his eyes.
"Hayaan niyo na lang sila. Mali naman ang binibintang nila..." Bumuntong hininga ako at pilit na ngumiti para masabing ayos lang ako.
Nakinig naman sila sa akin. Naglalaro sila ngayon ng scrabble habang umiinom at kumakain. Hindi ako kasali dahil hindi ako makapag-focus. Nararamdaman ko kasi ang malalim na titig sa akin mula sa lamesa nila...
The energy was familiar.
"You want a hint?" bulong ni Jasro nang hindi tumitingin sa gawi ko.
I feel like he knows what I was feeling. Hindi ko naman pinapahalata na hindi ako mapakali, pero siguro ay napansin niya ang paglalaro ng mga daliri ko sa ibabaw ng lamesa.
"He's staring at you..." malamig nitong sabi.
And I confirmed it was his eyes that made me feel nostalgia. Pinasadahan ko ang labi ko uminom ng isang shot. Ayaw kong magpakalasing at masiraan ng ulo rito.
"Pagkatapos niyo, uwi na tayo?"
Gusto ko na lang na umuwi at magpahinga. I thought I could have fun today, but what happened was otherwise.
"Sige sige. Inaantok na rin ako," sang-ayon ni Jaya sa akin at nagpatuloy ulit sila sa kanilang ginagawa.
Malakas ang kanilang mga halakhak, at minsan lang ako nakakasabay dahil sa pagiging kabado. Humikab ako dahil sa tagal ng kanilang laro. Hindi na nila ako napapansin dahil masyadong dikit ang kanilang mga scores.
"Walang gan'yang word! Imbento ka!" si Anikka at inambahan ng sapak si Jasro.
"Search it. Search it!" ang tugon ni Jasro sa kaniya.
Napailing-iling ako at wala sa sariling tinagulid ang leeg dahil sa pangangalay. Parang bumagsak ang puso ko nang magtagpo ang mga mata namin pagkatapos ng ilang taong pag-iiwasan.
I know it's just my boredom and sleepiness that made me look back for some seconds. I could see the change physically, but his eyes are still the same. His serious eyes were darted at me like they don't wanna go lure somewhere else. I can't tell what his eyes were telling me, but I know there's a lot it could tell.
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin na parang wala siyang epekto sa akin.
I didn't try contacting him after the breakup. I never planned to tell him anything that had happened to me. I just wanted a full recovery without him and his memories in my head. I didn't try getting news about him and his whereabouts. May mga naririnig ako sa aking paligid, pero hindi ko intensyon na malaman ang mga 'yon.
I just know their company cut ties with the Salvadors, ang family ni Chantal sa kaniyang mother's side. I also know Xydon goes home here frequently. Palipat lipat siya— Pilipinas at Dubai. That's all I know. I don't care anyway...
I never averted my eyes at him again until we got to leave the restaurant.
Nothing much happened during the internship.
I busied myself reviewing for the upcoming board exam. I am excited and nervous at the same time. Confident akong maipapasa ko, pero ayaw kong maging kampante nang sobra. Wala naman akong ibang ginagawa kundi mag-aral at manood ng mga med series...
Nasa costal cottage ulit kami nang papalapit na ang result ng board exam. We were all nervous the day before the result would be announced. Nasa iisang master's bedroom nga kami natulog kasama si Jasro.
Hindi kami makatulog.
"Trending na naman ang tiktok video natin! Hindi sila naniniwalang sabay-sabay tayong magiging doctor!" naging emosyonal ang boses ni Jaya habang nagkukwento.
Nakapatay ang mga ilaw. Tanging ilaw lang sa lampshade ang nagbibigay liwanag sa aming lima. Yakap namin ang mga unan at kung saan saang katawan nakahiga.
"Naiiyak ako, walang gan'yanan!" sigaw ni Demi at pumadyak.
"Sino 'yon?? 'Yong dede ko!" sigaw ni Anikka. "Nanahimik ako rito sa tabi, ha!"
Pinitik ko ang ulo ni Anikka. "May lalaki rito, ano ka ba?" natatawa kong paalala sa kan'ya.
"Hindi pa ba tayo nasanay kay Jasro?? Kulang na lang maging babae siya sa pagdikit-dikit sa atin!"
"Bakit parang hindi mo pa rin ako tanggap dito, Anikka?" singit ni Jasro sa usapan namin.
"Hindi sa gano'n! Ang pino-point out ko, dapat sanay na sila sa presensya mo..."
"Alam niyo? Nagdadrama ako rito tapos iba iba ang sinasapaw niyo! Nakakawalang gana, ha!" parinig ni Jaya sa aming tatlong nagtatawanan.
"Duo na lang tayo, Jaya. Gusto ko rin magdrama. To think na ilang years natin 'rong pinaghirapan..." naiiyak na sabi ni Demi. Naririnig ko na ang papalapit na pagkabasag ng kan'yang boses.
I smiled widely and tried to sleep. Nakapikit ang mga mata ko habang yakap ang isang unan. I'm so happy I have friends like them. Hindi nila ako iniwan sa mga panahon na gusto ko nang bumigay... They were always with me. They never left me alone. They never let me fought alone. At ngayon... tutuparin na naming sabay-sabay kaming magiging mga doktor.
Baby, Mommy will make you proud...
Ngumiti ako at dinala na ng matinding antok.
"Weya!! Weyaaaaaa!!!"
"Villaceran, gising na!!"
Sobrang lakas ng mga sigaw nila. Sumakit ang ulo ko dahil sa pagyugoyog nila sa akin at pagpalo ng unan sa katawan.
"Ano ba?!" frustrated kong sabi at padabog na naupo sa kama. "Mamaya pa lalabas ang resulta—" paos ang boses ko.
"One, two, three, go—" si Jaya na nilalamon ng excitement.
"You topped the board!!" They shouted in unison and started jumping.
Matagal bago rumehistro sa akin ang sinabi nila. Unti-unting nanlaki ang aking mga mata at doon na napahiyaw. Napatayo ako sa kama at tumalon para yakapin silang apat. We were all jumping while Jasro was cursing for being cornered at the center of the circle.
"This isn't a drill, right?! Hindi ito prank, Jaya?!" tanong ko habang naghahanap ng camera.
"You topped the board! Na-late kaming nagising at na-excite kaya hindi ka na namin naalala. O, ayan! See it yourself!"
Marahas niyang inabot sa akin ang iPad na muntikan pang nahulog! They are now typing on their gadgets. Jaya now took over her vlog.
I saw my name on the top! Uoiea Ishan Abiera Villaceran— our school name— 90.04.
I screamed at the top of my lungs while jumping. But before I'd forget, binalingan ko sila na busy sa kanilang gadgets. I can already conclude we all passed but I still asked.
"We all passed, right?"
They all looked at me in unison and nodded with a wide stretch on their faces. I screamed again and decided to call my Mom to announce.
She answered quickly and I heard her cries in a second.
"Mommy! Anong iniiyak-iyak mo riyan? Nag-top ang unica hija mo! I topped the board, Mom! I did it... I did, Mommy!" My voice was too excited. Lumabas ako dahil baka masyadong angat ang boses ko.
"I-I... I'm just so happy, Ishan... I'm so proud of you! Congratulations, Dra. Uoiea Ishan Villaceran!" She was still crying while delivering those words.
I closed my eyes and thanked Him for all the blessings he continues to shower me with. I'm beyond happy...
"Thanks, Mommy... Without you, I don't think I can have my dreams. You are my role model. I'm so grateful to be your daughter... I love you, Mom! I love you sooooo much!" I said it out loud for her to hear it clearly.
I can't believe I'm already a licensed doctor! I just couldn't believe... Dati, parang nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa dahil sa haba ng proseso at lakbay, pero natanto ko na kahit mabagal ang usad, hangga't humahakbang ka kahit paisa-isa pa, makakarating ka pa rin sa destinasyon mo. Hindi mo namamalayan na... Hayan na, nasa sa'yo na. Just be patient.
Dumating na rin ang mga family namin sa cottage bago maging itim ang kalangitan. Everyone was happy and excited. Hindi pa rin kami maka move on!
"I'm so proud of you..."
I chuckled while fixing the plates. "Mom, ilang beses mo na 'yang sinabi! Natatawa na ako sa'yo, ha..."
She chuckled with me. "I know you could do it..."
I smiled to hide my emotional state. Noon pa lang, si Mommy na ang unang unang naniniwala sa akin. She's the best Mom for me. She doesn't force me to be good in everything, because she believes I am my own. That's why I also did everything to give her sacrifices back.
"Balik din kayo kaagad at kakain na..." si Tita Amie, ang Mommy ni Demi habang nilalaro si Aya.
Naglakad kami papunta sa dalampasigan.
"Parents mo? Pauwi na?" I tugged my hair behind my ears and looked at Jasro.
He nodded. "Kanina pa ang flight nila. Baka mamayang madaling araw..." sagot nito na tinanguan ko na lamang.
"Grabe, ang strong natin! Akalain niyo 'yon, tayong lima ay nasa top ten!" Pumalakpak pa si Demi bago umikot para damhin ang hangin.
"Baka tayo lang 'to??" tawa ni Jaya.
I laughed, too. "Tayo lang talaga 'to!"
"Baka ikaw lang 'yan! Topnotcher!" sundot ni Anikka sa aking tagiliran. "Iba talaga!" halakhak niya pa.
"Grabe, may interview tayong lima dahil nalaman nilang magkakaibigan tayo! Napaka-inspirational naman natin," hagalpak ni Jaya at ilang beses na pumalakpak.
"I won't talk." Umiling-iling si Jasro. "I think it's corny!"
"Kj! Napaka-kj mo!" bugs ni Anikka sa kaniyang mukha.
We took a lot of pictures. Ang sabi ni Jaya, trending daw kami sa Twitter at for you page ng Tiktok. Influencer na kasi si Jaya, at malaki na ang kan'yang fandom. She wasn't expecting to be that person, but look! We really can't tell what we'll be in the future. We have our own destinations... I just know that... he has plans for us.
I slowly put the flowers down in front of a grave.
Dwieya Xean V. Montevinski.
Unti unti akong naupo sa kaniyang harap. We don't know her gender because I lost my angel so early. I know I wasn't married to Xydon, but I don't want my angel to feel she/he has no father. I know Xydon still has no idea we had a baby, and that we lost it, but he's still the father. I don't want to... disregard his rights. Kahit pa ayaw ko, para sa anak namin...
"I know you're proud of Mommy... I know you're clapping with excitement. Thank you for guiding me, alright? T-thank you... for giving me inspiration..." I smiled and looked up as tears flowed down my cheeks smoothly.
I hope I didn't lose you...
I hope I still have you...
When I woke up after I fainted that day... And after hearing that I lost an angel... It felt like my world collapsed and I was hoping she brought me with her/him. I put all the blame to Dad, Xydon and Chantal. I was really occupied by rage and toughness. I was so depressed that I didn't realize I was at fault, too... I didn't take care of my baby.
If only I had known my angel was with me throughout the fight, I will really stop fighting and will just choose to be content with my baby. But then, regret is existing for some reason.
"You are one of the main reasons why I continued to pursue my dream, sweetie..."
To lose a baby was really excruciating. When I was a teenager, I used to watch movies and sometimes I see the leads lose their babies. Akala ko noon hindi naman magiging gano'n kasakit dahil hindi mo pa naman naalagaan, at hindi mo pa nakita, o lumaki sa'yo... Pero hindi pala... The pain will really make you insane. Kasi anak mo 'yon, and to think I really love babies... The accident really wrecked a part of me.
Some accidents will really force you not to be happy. They will make you realize you don't even deserve to smile, or laugh because of the pain. But then, people who love you won't want to see you suffering that way.
Anikka said to me. "I sure know your baby doesn't want you that way, Weya. Malungkot siya kapag malungkot ang Mommy niya."
Sabi rin ni Jaya. "Forgive yourself, Weya... Gusto mo ba na sisihin ng anak mo ang sarili niya kung bakit ka palaging malungkot? Kung bakit araw araw kong ganito?"
And Demi... "Put a smile on your baby's face by being happy. Your baby wants you to be happy... Your baby wants its Mommy to be happy..."
And I know they all do. They all wanted to see me back to my old self and happy.
Sobrang hirap ng pinagdaanan ko. Kaya sabi ko, ayaw kong mangyari pa ito sa iba. I want to save babies. I want to save lives. Because by saving lives, we can save a lot of people from pain, rage and despair.
Nandoon lang ako sa puntod niya hanggang sa bumagsak na ang araw. Palagi, ang hirap magpaalam sa kaniya sa tuwing uuwi na ako. But I always realize afterwards that my angel is with me all the time.
"Erisse is already concluding that Aya is Erios' daughter... Nakita niya kami sa restaurant kahapon," problemadong kwento ni Anikka habang nasa opisina kami.
Nakikinig ako habang binabasa ang case report ng isang pasyente.
"Sabihin mo na kaya?" si Jaya at tinanggal ang kaniyang coat. Naupo siya sa isang sofa.
Natigilan ako roon. Para kasing... natamaan ako.
"I want to! Hindi ko lang alam kung papaano..."
"Tell him you're having a hard time to tell because he hates children before..." bulong ni Demi at tinapunan ako ng tingin. "You okay?" bulong niya sa akin.
Tumango ako at nagpatuloy sa pagbabasa kahit wala na roon ang isip ko.
Aya is the daughter of Erios from Anikka. Ang tagal nang tinatago 'yon. Sa tuwing naitatanong kung kaninong anak si Aya, walang sumasagot sa amin. Madalas namang isipin ng mga tao na sa akin iyong bata dahil close kami... Sa akin madalas pinapaalaga dahil gustong gusto ko rin naman...
I was walking around when I suddenly saw a commotion in the emergency ward. A kid was crying so I walked straight to calm him down.
"What happened?" I asked the nurse who's cleansing his wound.
"Nahulog daw po sa bike, Dra. Villaceran... Medyo malalim po ang sugat."
I held his hand. Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin kaya sinalubong ko ng matamis na ngiti. He was still crying but it lessened.
"Buti na lang meron ka, Doc... Ang galing niyo pong magpakalma ng bata..." the nurse chuckled.
Naglabas ako ng lollipop sa aking bulsa at inabot sa kaniya. "Stop crying now, okay?" Dahil nahihirapan na siya sa paghinga. "Saan ang guardian?" tanong ko sa nurse.
"Sila po, Doc..." sabay tingin niya sa mga taong nasa likuran namin na ikinabigla ko.
I saw Ashanti with Mooze and Hiraya. I was really startled by their presence. Ganoon din sila pero agad din naman kaming nakabawi. I think I was too rude that I looked away without greeting them.
Humigpit ang hawak ng bata sa akin. Nakatitig pa rin ito. So, he's a Montevinski? Pinsan ni Dwieya... Pwedeng first degree, or second. Lumambot ang puso ko sa kan'ya.
"You'll be fine..." I whispered. "See? It's not painful, right? You are so strong..."
"You're pretty..." his cute voice made the nurses laugh. He looks at them curiously. He pouted, feeling embarrassed.
"Hey... Hey..." I pinched his nose. "They just find you cute, alright? They are friends..." malambot kong sabi sa kan'ya.
I wonder whose son he is... Kay Ashanti ba? Mooze? o Hiraya?
Ayaw niya lang bitawan ang kamay ko nang uuwi na ito. Tuloy ay umabot ako sa parking lot dahil gusto niyang ihatid ko siya. Tahimik lang ang magpipinsan... It was awkward. Parang nilipad na ang kaluluwa ko dahil sa kaba.
"I want her home, Tito Mooze..." anito kay Mooze na malamig ang titig sa akin.
"Uh... I still have to work, baby..." I whispered to him.
He pouted but still nodded in a few seconds. Nang bumukas ang pinto ng van, doon ko nakitang marami ring bata sa loob at nandoon si Rhione at ilang babae. Nanlaki ang mga mata niya...
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin dahil hindi komportable sa mga tingin ng iilan sa loob ng van. Somehow, I felt envy of them being able to send their kids to school and fetch them.
"Mommy!" tawag ni Rios— 'yong bata— kay Rhione. Doon ko matanto na anak niya nga...
"Uh, sige... Una na ako," paalam ko sa kanila dahil parang nilalamon na ako ng lupa.
"Thank you, Doktora," bulong ni Ashanti sa akin na nginitian ko na lang.
I know they think negatively of me. Hindi naman nila alam ang tunay na kwento at mga nangyari. I don't hate them for hating me, though. Iniisip ko kasi wala na wala nga silang alam kaya mali ang kanilang nararamdaman.
Days passed, I was about to go to the ward when I saw two familiar people on station 1. Rhione was asking something to the nurses when Rius called her and pointed at me. Tumakbo ang bata sa akin.
"Tita Doc," tawag nito na ikinabigla ko...
"Hello, Rius..." tanggap ko sa kaniyang kamay. Naka mask ito habang suot ang kaniyang bag pack. Naka uniform din siya...
"Uhm, hello..."
Napadaing ang bata nang wala sa sariling nahigpitan ko ang kapit ko sa kamay niya.
Ang Mommy mo kasi, Rius, nambibigla...
"Hello... Anong sadya niyo rito? May appointment kayo? Pwede ko kayong ihatid."
I could see guilt on her face. Matagal bago siya umiling at sumagot. Si Rius naman ay kinukuskos ang nail art ko...
"Wala naman... Uh... Rius wanted to eat with you for lunch. I can't stop his tantrums so..." nahihiya itong tumawa.
I bit my lip and nodded. May pumuslit na mahinang tawa sa akin. Gusto ko nga sanang tumawa nang malakas pero nahihiya ako...
"It's fine with me... Saan ba? Lunch break na rin naman."
"Oh, great..." she chuckled. "Chinese food is Rius' favorite. Ayos lang ba?"
Tumango ako at nagpaalam na kukunin lang ang bag ko sa office at iiwan na rin ang coat ko. Grabe ang kabog ng dibdib ko. I never thought having an interaction with them again. And now...
Small world, huh?