You arrive at the shelter after one week, in total. It's longer than you predicted because not only you are walking in a large group but as you was going, you also gave an extra care for children who are in difficulties to stand on their own—literally and imprecisely. You also have to learn the way to survive, to gather food and water and to protect your group. Fortunately, guarding is in fact easier than you thought thanks to your reliable new comrades.
Another thing you learnt is the realm of outside world. The world is not like how it was described in the books you used to read. The trees are different, the animals are odd, and the landscapes are confusing sometimes. The difference makes you realize how contrast the human world and demon world are. You wondered, what is the human world would look like? Would you like it better than here? Of course you exclude the point where the demons are ruling at this side.
You've passed layers of doors and tunnel to the entrance and finally you're reaching the entrance of the shelter. The majestic semi-metal door doesn't seem to has a door knob or any way to open it at a first glance. But it doesn't take even two minutes for Norman to find that there's a small keyhole and the key is the pen from Smee.
You glad Smee gave his to Norman because even if you has the insides of the pen, without its case then it can't be used to open the door.
"Wuah ... " Everyone is amazed. The shelter is not a small place for supplies or a fortress. It's like a real underground village.
There are houses, bunch of them. A fountain, plaza, field, and lights spreading here and there so there's no darkness left. The atmosphere is so warm and welcoming, it reminds you of home.
This is the real home the children deserve.
"The roof ... are colorful ... " You heard Hayato mumbles beside you. The houses' colorful roof are reflected in his sparkling eyes.
It's pretty.
You all are entering the place. You and your comrades do a quick investigation first whether any dangerous, suspicious, or any strange spot they should be careful of. You also find what looks like a navigation tower and power supply room. A further inspection is needed but right now your focuses are to give each of the children a room to rest.
You send the last group of your share to their shared bed room and help them to sleep. As you close the door and sigh out your stress, the burden in your shoulders are lifted for a little and everything suddenly becoming calm. So calm that you can't think of anything or feel anything.
Norman comes out from the room in front of you, just finished with his last share too.
"Y/N, are you done?" he asked you.
You nod. "Yes."
"Great. I was thinking, do you want to explore the outer side? We didn't touch it yet before, there seems to be a lot other than houses in there."
Norman's offering is interesting and you also think that you have to finish the investigation as soon as possible. But then, the exhaustion and soreness on your muscles are taking a toll on you. Rest, you feel the heavy urge to rest and fall into a deep slumber where all your senses are unconscious.
"I think I'm going to sleep now. I am really tired," you answered.
Even if you reject his offer, Norman doesn't disappointed. He smiles in understanding as always and walks you to your bedroom which is in the same floor as him.
"The walk was exhausting, I hope you will rest well. Good night."
"Thank you. You should rest too, good night." You return his goodbye and close the door before you.
The bedroom is assigned to you by Vincent and is the second best room in this shelter at the moment—according to him. He said that you and Norman deserve your own room and best of the best after all the blood, sweat, and tears you two had poured. His praises are quite overwhelming sometimes, to be honest.
The room is spacious, smaller than the one in Lambda but still larger than your needs. There's a double bed in the middle, a night stand, wardrobe, set of table and chairs, and a large window behind the set. The wind enters your room and slowly blow the curtains, the howling is soft in your ears and you once again everything become so calm.
You go to the wardrobe first and find some set of clean clothes and a few night gowns. After taking off all blood-stained fabric in your body, you slip into the night gown and drop your body to the bed. There's a little creak when you fall and then the silence is back again.
You don't want to sleep, if you have preferance. There's so much thing to do and you prefer to be a help for the others. But after the escape finished, there's an invisible knot holding your chest and your shoulders. The knot is chocking you, holding yourself from relishing your freedom despite finally accomplishing your goal. As if you're breaking out of a cage just to find yourself in another enclosure.
"Hahh..." You blow an audible sigh and cover the half up of your face with your hand.
The uneasiness is strangely familiar. When did you feel it last time?
Oh, right. It's when you're at the top of the chasm.
〰️
A cry.
A scream.
A beg.
Then a pool of red liquid at your ankles.
Blood.
It's stained in the whole of you. It colors your skin and drenched your shirts.
You stumbled upon a something that suddenly appear and fall to the pool. Your hand clench around the liquid and you take a look at that is pouring from your palm to your hand, then your elbow.
The view is becoming blur and you can't see clearly beside the red drops.
You take a glance back at the thing behind you, and you fall sit and gasp loudly when you see it's a corpse wearing Lambda's lab coat.
With a heavy pant and pale face, you clumsily crawl back to make a sufficient distance from the body, the one that you killed.
"It was necessary ... " you mumbled.
Was it really?
"I must ... they're threats." You gulped. "For the plan."
Then ... Is a limp man who was in the verge of his death also a threat? They had been injured beyond saving and yet ...
I still kill them.
"The children is my priority ... their lives, are not." The words encouraged you before. However, the way it sounds just now was off.
You didn't sound right. You sound horrible.
The researchers also has family ... Some might have children just like me.
"No..."
I made their family lost their beloved.
"They killed my family too! It's just fair!" You shouted.
It was fair, it is supposed to be fair.
It's not.
It wasn't your fight for justice, neither was it a revenge.
You will never find it fair if you don't find pleasure from doing the deed. You can't call it revenge if you didn't bring your hatred into it.
Then what in the world was you doing? You were just blindly obeyed what Smee had ordered you. Because you trust him, and want to trust him despite the roam in your heart which is still not content with your task.
With your hand frustratingly grab your hair, you bent down and scream over the red poll and drops your tears into it. You release the sorrow from the knot on your shoulders and mostly on your chest in hope for lessening it. But the more you scream, the more you cry, the feelings only get worse and worse. This will haunt you for the rest of your life.
"A murderer."
You turn your head to the voice. "Ray?" You call his name between your sobs.
The Ray in your sight is nothing like the boy you like.
His face is Ray and so does his voice. But the way he stares at you ... full of disappointment and judgement.
He is judging you.
"You are a murderer," he stated it again and you it's like the air is stolen from your lungs once again. The deep green color of his eyes is the coldest you've ever imagine.
"... Ray ..."
You blink and then the empty space behind Ray is occupied. Emma is standing beside him, then Gilda, Don, Anna, Nat, all your family and lastly Isabella. Pairs of judging eyes are staring, intimidating you.
Emma takes a step to you. The bright cheerful Emma now grits her teeth at a sight of you. "I am disappointed at you." She takes an amount of the red blood and stroke it to our cheek.
You can hear your heart is hammering trough your skin and echoing from every corner inside your bones. Your family are turning their backs on you.
"Don't ..." Your breath are swallow and short.
They don't care the agony you're felt or are willing to listen to what you're trying to say. Because they are disappointed at you. You're not the you they knew.
Not the you who were their family.
The tears are pooling in your lids and a powerful urge to cry broke it down. Then you heard your heart is hammering in your chest as you stretch out to reach their untouchable backs. It's getting louder, causing more pain as it beats erratically, and you suddenly forget how to breathe.
"Don't leave me alone!"
〰️
You blink your tears away as you wake up. The recollection of your dream comes in a rush in your mind when you finally can distinguish the thin line of reality and your nightmare. Don't leave me alone. The words are echoing in your head like a broken tape and it hurts, it sounds awful.
You grope your stomach when the nausea strikes. It has been quite long since you get such a nightmare since Lambda gave you a sleeping pill and another one for your hallucination.
Guilt.
You close your eyes and concentrate to vlear your mind. The smell of rain and dirt are surprisingly calming.
Then your eyes are immediately opened. The shelter is located far under the ground, with that depth, it's impossible for smell to reach your place.
You quickly run to the window to inspect your surroundsings, you hope it's not another hallucination of the Lambda's effect. Your grip at the railings are hard for a support to stand properly.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
The air is damp, you noticed. There's also soft sound of water drops from outside. Maybe it's really raining on the upper land and somehow the voice and smell are managed to get through inside.
You drag the curtain after closing the window. You don't realize your action is blocking the only source to lit up your room.
Darkness emerges and a shiver is running down your spine.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt—
The room is dark and empty, and you're standing all alone with overwhelming guilts in your soul.
〰️
A night time in Lambda is the epitome of silence. When clock was striking at 8 p.m. sharp, no one will come disturb Norman's time to fall into his sleep. Well, excluding the 24-hours-nonstop cameras. Even with his sharpen senses that is resulted from the experiment, he still found his nights soundless.
So when he first heard what sounds like stomping of foot step, Norman thought he might be dreaming. But then a rushed steps followed and they wake him up outright.
He jumps out of the bed and doesn't mind to put his shoes to open the door. Is it one of the children? Is there any problem? So many thoughts swirling in his mind and when you come to his view, Norman knows none of his thoughts were correct.
In his scenarios, then Vincent would be the one who rushed to his door and followed by chaos in the shelter. Not you standing, poured in cold sweat and panting like was running on a marathon in your night gown.
"Y/N? What's wrong?" he asked, worriedly.
"Norman ... " you call his name in a gasp. "I'm scared ..."
"What? Tell me."
"I—I dreamt—A nightmare...." The look of your eyes are drifting. "Blood ... I saw blood everwhere ..."
Eventually you can't conceal your panic anymore and pull your hair out of frustration. "Oh shit Norman, I killed the researchers! I killed people with my own hands!!!" You cried.
Norman quickly takes a look on the hallway to make sure no one heard your sudden outburst. You lost it, he predicted. The two of you can't talk here otherwise the others might hear you. He can't let them see you in your weak state.
"Come." He grabs your hand and drag you without force to his room.
His room is not that different from your. Except, instead of large window he has an balcony with door which height can touch the roof. Norman closes the curtain and tell you to seat on his bed.
You clench both of your hand over your tight until your knuckles turned white. You stuttered, "I take their lives ... It's necessary right? We can't escape beside I did that ... But what if our family know? What they would thought of me? And—and the researchers have family too ... I took them from their family! I'm horrible, am I not? I am a murderer—"
Norman shakes your shoulders hard. Sapphire orbs meet a glassy (E/C) orbs.
"PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!" he screams at you and your body flinch. Norman never scream at you.
You stop talking but the sobs never stop. He wipes the tears on your cheek and jaw then hugs you. He place your head over his shoulder and he speaks softly to your ear, "Sorry."
"Tell me one by one ... take your time," said him.
You gulped. "I killed the researchers."
"For us," said Norman. He refers to the cattle children and himself.
"But I killed people. Human just like us. I killed them without mercy just like what demons would do."
"What did you feel when you kill them?"
You are afraid to answer but you brace yourself. You bring back the memories when you did the deed. "I was scared. I must do that so we can escape, so we can back to our family."
You sob. "But they also have their own family ... I separated them from their family, didn't I?"
Norman bites his tongue, telling you the truth won't do any better for you considering your current state. You must not know what Smee had told him that the bloodshed was actually avoidable. Imagine how more broken you would be.
"You did the right thing Y/N. It was definitely necessary and you did it for the greater good. You did it for us," said Norman.
He push you away just enough to bring you to face him. Your eyes are red and teary, he can hear the load in your every pant like every single inhale is a painful as hell, he can see how pale you are in contrast to the swollen around your eyes. It breaks his heart to look you so broken and vulnerable.
You were so strong when he was a child, are things really changing this much ever since then?
"You're stronger than this Y/N," he told you while tightening the grip on your shoulders.
You weakly shake your head. "I am not."
"Yes you are. You're the reason we can escape. You said it yourself, you're our protector!"
You don't give him any response.
Norman said, softer this time, "It was hard right? Your job was heavy, you didn't like it, right?"
Another tear streams down your cheek.
"But you were the only one who pull that off and you did splendid! You finished it perfectly. I can say got a perfect score." Norman continue to encourage you. He showers you with praises, compliments, while those sounds nice at some degree but they are simply just that: the nice, sweet nothings. They didn't reach your heart and you start to feel bad because you indirectly force Norman to said those meaningless words.
You don't deserve to be praised, not when you are not proud of what you've done.
The grip in your shoulder tighten when you slowly drop your eyes from him, Norman demands you to keep focus on him.
"Y/N, remember what you said when you showed me your locket?" asked Norman.
The said event is flashing in your eyes. You were also with Norman that night, in his room, talked about the further plan for Grace Field escape. Are you really in Lambda for only months? It felt like you've left your home for at least a year or so. You remember what you said when he asked why do you trust him so much.
"You said I know what's the answer for any problem. I only did what was correct and always choose the best solution," said Norman.
He smiles. "So hear me out, you've done nothing wrong Y/N. No matter how you loathe yourself, the fact is you save all of us and we're forever grateful for that."
Your eyes are slightly widen.
"Do you regret killing those researchers?"
"Very."
"Then don't kill anyone anymore. I'll make sure you won't be forced to kill anybody."
Norman asked again. "You regret killing the demons?"
"No."
"Can you do it again if I force you?"
The fire in your eyes are starting to back. "I'll kill thousands of them if needed without your command," you spat.
"You recall how those researchers grouping with the demons? You remember how they laughed together at us? At the other cattle children?"
You hate it. You hate the sight of them, they were sickening.
"Those researchers are no humane Y/N! They are just the same as the demons or even worse! They deserve that! No, I actually thought you were too kind to give them painless death."
Your hands are starting to calm a bit. You asked, "Was I?"
Norman answered. "Yes! I'm sure Ray, Emma, and the others also can justify your doings like how I did. Am I wrong?"
"No ... You are never wrong ... not even once."
Norman beamed at your answer. The light in your eyes are slowly coming back.
He pulls you into another hug. "Be more proud of yourself, Y/N. You should really value yourself as much as others see you."
"You're strong, you're kind, you're our protector. Your duty was a burdem and I understand you don't want to do it ever again." Norman reassures you.
"But don't you want to save the cattle children? We vowed to ourselves we will bring the freedom to them, don't you want to see the world to its fullest?"
Your answer comes strong. "I want to!"
For a moment, you forget the very first reason you committed the sin. The very first reason you're fighting without rest.
To land your feet at a peaceful world. To enjoy the world like a loose bird.
In a cruel world like this, sacrifice is needed. Even if you seek the smallest sacrifice among others, it would still felt huge because that's what it is. And it's bound to happen. You are a such a naive to think a peace can be attained with another peaceful craps.
Peace was never the option, not while the whole world is your enemy. If you want the peace, you will have to defeat the world. That's the harsh reality you're living on.
This world is cursed.
"There's a war we must win to get the peace. We can't win if we don't even fight."
Fight. That's what you've done up until this point. You and Norman let yourself to get shipped so your family can keep fighting. You endured the painful experiments in Lambda because you were fighting.
You kill—you beat the researchers because you're fighting. And you won.
"If things get too tough, I promise I will back you up. We will back each other, we've done a great job so far, haven't we? Then let's fo our best for what's yet to come," said Norman. He notice your gaze is not wavering anymore. The small sparks earlier are becoming a flame in your eyes. You finally get your senses back.
You land your hand over Norman and give it a light squeeze to show him you are okay now.
You said, "I will fight, I will protect everyone, we will win the battle." You will protect everyone precious to you, because you are the 'knight'. Norman will lead you to the peaceful world you long and you'll always fight alongside him.
That night, you sleep in Norman's room with holding your hands. For the first time in months, you sleep with the familiar warmth you missed back in the house.
〰️
The next morning is not as great as you wish. Some of the children are getting Lambda seizure simultaneously, that makes Vincent and Norman bustling all day. The exploration for shelter is unfortunately has to be on hold for a while.
Lambda Seizure, shelter's security, daily needs.
And food.
While the two are busy with medicine Norman took from Medical Center, you have your own job to distribute the available instant foods or long-lasting rations you could find in the storage. Which actually, a lot much from your expectation.
Like, a hell whole of warehouse.
Food won't be any concern for a while but you've to thought about growing and producing your own food as early as possible. You also have to teach these kids how to take care of themselves. Most of them are not living old enough in their houses before being sent to Lambda. Mostly were even born in that hellish place and you know far too well that Lambda never teach them a word of way to live.
"This is for you." You give the supply to the last child. Now you should force Vincent and Norman to take a meal or they will fainted. Honestly, Norman can last this long is quite a surprise. Maybe he is not that frail anymore after what Lambda has done to him.
It would be the most possible case because just look at him! He is so tall now, far more than when you last saw him. You doubt even Ray is able as tall as him despite he being the tallest among you back then.
The rest of Lambda's survivors too, their shape is various from their height, their built, their postures.
You see and hear the cries from a window at nursery room. Norman and Vincent have tried their best to less the pain for the patients but you heard Lambda seizure is so painful even a basic sedative do not work.
You never experience it, as luck would have it. It seemed that you didn't get that much chemical in your body for you to suffer the illness.
The escape was a success at least physically it was success. You achieve your goal to save the cattle children an you have this nice and huge shelter.
But the trauma Lambda gave you all makes you thought about it twice. Not that you drowned in another guilt like the night before, it's not affecting your decision to keep fighting until the end.
You are questioning yourself though. Can you all completely freed yourselves from Lambda?
But no matter how you think about it, how much you think about it, the answers are the same.
You can not escape. The mark on your chest is a permanent scar. What Lambda has done to you will forever can't be undone.
▪️▫️▪️▫️▪️
Hello there!
So finally the Lambda arc will be end soon and I've planned one more chapter for the closure.
What do you think of this arc? I hope you enjoyed it as much I enjoyed writting it.
Next update should be within this week, see you next part~