Kabanata 35
I was definitely bothered that I can't sleep a blink all night. Hindi ko man masyadong maintindihan kung tungkol saan ang pinag-uusapan nila pero ang malaman na malaki ang posibilidad na tungkol iyon sa gabing iyon ay hindi mawala sa isipan ko.
The explosion was truly not accidental. Something happened and they know what caused it.
It was like a missing piece that would make me achieve what I was aiming for. Something that would give me peace of mind. The truth that I've been longing for.
I want to know. I badly want to.
Mabilis na lumipas ang isang Linggo na bumalik na ulit ako sa opisina ni Draisen. I was cleaning his office like I was used to. And I tried hard not to act differently after hearing what he and Captain Burgos talked about.
"Ano? Masarap?" natatawang tanong ko nang kumain na kami ng tanghalian.
"It's delicious," he nodded.
"Grabe lang talaga 'yong privilege kapag girlfriend mo. Hindi ka na ilap sa pagbibigay ng compliment." may panunuya sa tono ko. "Hinay lang, masyado ka namang patay na patay sa'kin."
"Think what you want."
Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. I kept my playful expression while we were eating. Napadako ang tingin ko sa kanya, sinusubukang basahin siya.
I was eager to find out about the truth that I want to straightforwardly ask him.
But him acting normally like nothing happened made me have doubts. Na kaya niyang umakto ng ganito kahit na may kung ano siyang tinatago sa akin. I won't be prejudiced since I've done that a lot of times before.
But now I'm aware that...it hurts.
Hindi niya sinasabi sa akin at mukhang wala siyang balak.
For some reason, I was having second thoughts if what we have is real or he's only putting up an act. Pero sa mga pinapakita niya ngayon, hindi ko maitatanggi na sobrang naniniwala akong totoo 'to.
Na totoong mahal namin ang isa't isa.
Kung hindi, sobrang bilib ako sa galing niya kung gano'n. He went to this extent just to go with his plans? But who am I kidding? I know him as the intelligent magnate who has unlimited ways to keep everything under control.
"Hindi ka pa matutulog?"
Natigil ako sa pag-iisip nang biglang sumulpot si Chelsea na mukhang kakauwi lang. Nasa may veranda ako at nakatitig sa kawalan.
"Umiinom ka?" tumabi siya sa akin. Kumuha siya ng isang lata ng beer na binili ko kanina para saluhan ako. "May problema?"
"Tingin mo meron?"
"You don't drink for nothing."
I chuckled. "Bawal magbago? Baka nagcrave lang ako ng beer ngayong gabi."
I know that was such a lame excuse especially now that my chuckle sounded so force. Hindi na lang siya nagsalita at tumingin din sa kawalan habang sumisimsim ng alak. Everything was quiet and peaceful. No one dared to talk.
And her being like this, I know she's not forcing me to talk. But the silence is urging me to somehow be open. Huminga ako ng malalim at inubos ang nasa lata ko.
"I messed up," I started.
"Hmm?"
"The plan...I completely messed up."
Hindi siya nagsalita kaya muli akong bumuntong hininga. Alam niya na mas lalo akong mapapakwento kapag tatahimik siya. I grabbed another can and opened it.
"I ended up falling in love with him." diretsahang pag-amin ko. "To the extent that I no longer wanted to continue the plan of using him."
Pagkatapos ko sabihin iyon ay nilagok ko ang alak ng diretsuhan hanggang sa mangalahati iyon. I sighed heavily, wincing at the after taste of it. I don't like it, but the bitterness and the warmth it's giving me made me at ease.
"Tumawa ka na," natatawang sabi ko. "Nakain ko ang sinabi ko."
"Hindi na funny kasi ang predictable."
"Sana nakisama ka na lang para kunwari hindi nakakahiya."
Pinilit niyang tumawa kaya sumimangot ako. Eksaherada pa ang pagkapilit ng tawa niya na tila ba nang-aasar kaya mas lalo lang akong nabadtrip.
"O ngayon? Ano'ng pinoproblema mo?" tanong niya. "Masagana naman pala ang lovelife mo kaya anong sinisimangot mo diyan?"
"Natatakot ako na baka ako lang pala."
"Ikaw lang ang?"
"Ako lang 'yong seryoso sa'min." sabi ko. "Na baka talagang ginagamit niya lang ako para sa kung anong pakay niya."
"Tingin mo?"
I smiled bitterly.
Every memories with him came flashing in my mind. The way he started expressing his emotions even though it was not that much. Every time he opens himself up. Every smiles, every stares, every soft chuckles, it appeared in my thoughts.
I sighed again.
"Mahal niya ako," pagkaklaro ko at muling sumimsim sa alak. "Alam kong mahal niya ako."
I don't know where I got my confidence but I was certain about it. Hindi man siya 'yong tipo ng tao na lantaran sa nararamdaman, pero may paraan siya para iparamdam iyon. And I felt it, every single bit of it.
And I love it, my feelings kept on growing that I don't think it would just be hindered with what I heard last night.
Na kahit magsinungaling man siya, iisipin kong may rason kung bakit hindi niya sinasabi iyon. Kahit ginagamit niya man ako, maniniwala pa rin ako na totoo 'yong nararamdaman niya sa akin.
"Nakakainis naman," I muttered.
I'm at this point of wanting not to hear anything that night. Na sana hinintay ko na lang talaga siya sa may maintenance office para hindi ko narinig ang usapang iyon.
It's hard for me to trust someone fully. And now I'm having difficulty although I was certain that what we have is real and not an act.
Ang akin lang, gusto ko malaman kung bakit.
I felt him kissed my forehead and gently laid my body beside him. He scooted closer to me for a cuddle. His warmth felt the most comfortable place I've ever been.
"I love you..." he whispered, caressing my hair.
Ngumiti lamang ako at hindi nagsalita. I just hugged him tighter and buried my face on his chest, inhaling his scent. I can hear his heart beating fast.
Mabilis na lumipas ang oras at naramdaman kong tulog na siya. I was still lying beside him, staring at the ceiling. I can't help but to overthink. My desperation to know the truth kept bugging me.
Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko dahil buong buhay ang ginugol ko para lang dito. Ever since that tragedy happened, darkness invaded everything in me. And that, for some reason, made me feel a person. I have no plans to escape.
Tumayo ako at siniguro kong hindi ko siya nagising. Tumungo ako sa office para gawin ang pakay ko.
I crouch down and opened the drawer using a small key. Matagal ko nang nahanap ang susi para sa cabinet na ito pero simula nang maging totoo ang kung anong meron kami ni Draisen, ipinawalang bahala ko na ito.
I was willing to forget about the plan because I knew I was madly in love with him. That I don't want to ruin him just because of anger.
But now...I can't help but to crave for the truth.
Kung ano man ang mangyari pagkatapos nito ay hindi ko pa sigurado. This information is a big deal to me. This is my life...the reason why I am still alive.
Why I wanted to fight the demons away.
Why I still wanted to live.
It's because of this.
Nakatingin ako ngayon sa envelope na hawak ko. I am now at home, looking at it as if it was something so controversial that my hands are sweating.
"Anong gagawin mo pagkatapos, Riyel?" I whispered to myself. "Kung may kinalaman man siya roon, ano nang gagawin mo?"
I was torn with my thoughts. I reached the point where no matter what happens, I'll still stand with my decision to love him still. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit ngayon, habang tinitignan ko ang envelope na ito, natatakot akong malaman.
Parang ayokong malaman.
Natawa ako sa sarili ko. "Hindi mo pa nga sigurado kung ano ang nasa loob, malay mo kung ano lang pa lang dokumento ito."
I heaved a huge amount of breath before opening it. Naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng kamay ko. It was an old picture of a ship. Kumalabog ang puso ko nang makita kung gaano kapamilyar iyon.
The next contents are unpublished drafts of some article about the explosion. Kinapos ako ng hininga bigla habang tinitignan iyon. There were lists of names of people. Mabilis na nahagilap ko ang pangalan na nakaagaw ng atensyon ko.
Captain Dominic Huerto Laurel
Amelia Lucian Laurel
Axelion Dimitry Laurel
Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko nang maramdaman ang pag-iinit ng sulok ng mata ko. For some reason, I remembered the tragedy clearly although it happened years ago.
Parang bago lang sa akin 'yong pagsabog na iyon. Iyong mga sigawan ng mga tao. Iyong pagtalon ko sa dagat para bumalik. Iyong binalita sa akin na wala na ang pamilya ko.
The names written on the paper, I thought it was the people invited on the party that night but I can't find my name there. At sa pagkakaalam ko ay mas marami pa dapat ang nakasulat na pangalan kung mga imbitado nga ang listahang ito.
"Names of people...who didn't survive in the explosion." I murmured, figuring out what those names are. Naramdaman ko ang paghikbi ko at ang sunud-sunod na paglandas ng luha sa mata ko. "Those who died that night."
I hugged the papers tightly as I break down. I thought I wouldn't cry anymore since I've stayed strong for years now, rebuilding myself. But I guess I really wasn't over it. Na hanggang ngayon sobrang sakit pa rin pala.
"D-Daddy...M-Mommy..." mas lalo lamang akong napahikbi. "K-Kuya Axel..."
Parang sinasaksak ng paulit-ulit ang puso ko habang inaalala ang huling memorya ko sa kanila. Masaya kaming kumakain noong gabing iyon. Nagbibiruan pa dahil sa mga kalokohan ni Kuya Axel. At ang ngiti ni Mommy at Daddy habang nag-uusap kaming lahat at salo-salong kumakain.
The memories flashed clearly in my mind. Those happy moments that I would never forget. Those times that gave me light despite being in darkness for so long. Something I've kept my hold on to just to push through.
Muli kong tinignan ang sunod na mga laman kaso tungkol lang iyon sa nangyaring pagsabog at wala ng ibang napakaloob. And knowing that it wasn't an accident, there was nothing in here that would tell me what really happened.
Huminga ako ng malalim at tinago ang envelope sa may cabinet ko. Humiga ako sa kama ko at tumingin sa kisame. I was trying to think of possible causes of it. Someone might have planned it all out. Someone who got grudge with Navis...
...or possibly, who intended to kill someone who is present in the yacht that night.
Kasi kung tatangkain lang siraan o dumihan ang pangalan at reputasyon ng Navis, you could've chose some huge-ass ships to sabotage, specifically those which are to be exported to powerful countries.
But choosing to destroy a small yacht with nobody could easily traced since it was for a personal celebration, I think whoever it is, their aim was to specifically kill someone that night. And that was understandable since if you're targeting a person, you'd choose ways to kill him where you could easily hide the issue. Where there would be no media involved.
Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan ay kung bakit piniling itago iyon ng mga Velarde. Maybe they were the one who planned it? But no, Damarcus Velarde was also present that night. He wouldn't be careless to risk himself just to pursue this scheme.
"Ang sakit ng utak ko," napasabunot na lang ako sa buhok ko dahil kahit anong gawin kong pagkonekta ng mga bagay bagay ay wala pa rin akong napapala.
I wanted to know what caused that explosion. And who was the mastermind behind it. And what the hell was his or her goal upon doing this.
"What is it?" napatigil ako sa pagtitig sa kanya nang magsalita siya.
We were eating lunch together with our usual spot. Hindi ko namalayan na kanina pa pala ako nakatingin sa kanya. I can't still get it out of my mind because here in front of me is the person who knows what happened.
"Masarap ba 'yong luto ko?" ngumisi ako.
He nodded lazily as he put another scoop of rice in his mouth. I was acting normally to avoid any suspicion. Alam ko kung gaano katinik 'tong batong 'to kaya nag-iingat ako. He would easily notice what change even the tiniest details.
Kinakabahan din ako kung nalaman na niya ang pagkawala ng envelope sa may drawer ng table niya. And even if he did ask me about it, that's my cue to interrogate him with what I found out.
For now, I tend to keep it this way.
I want to observe him, if he's also waiting for a right time to actually talk to me about this. Kung mahal niya ako, siya dapat ang mas nakakaalam kung gaano ka-importante ang bagay na ito sa akin.
At kung wala man siyang balak sabihin, nag-iisip ako ng posibleng dahilan kung bakit.
If he doesn't want to talk about it, I won't force him. There must be a reason. I know there's a reason. And that's what I want to find out as well.
"Andito ka ulit?" tanong ni Donna. "Pinayagan ka?"
"Ako ang nagdesisyon. Ako ang batas sa aming dalawa."
It was actually the latter. I really did ask his permission, he's still my boss after all. Kahit naman boyfriend ko siya ay kung magpapaalam ako, ginagawa ko iyon dahil siya ang boss ko.
"Ang lakas naman!" natatawang sabi ni Donna. "Sana talaga lahat may gwapo at mayamang boyfriend."
"Ano na nangyari sa inyo ni Ronnel?" pag-usisa ko.
Nakita ko ang pagkawala ng tuwa ni Donna. She was smiling but it was forced. Mukhang ayaw na talaga pag-usapan ang tungkol do'n at nagmu-move-on na.
"Joke lang, 'wag mo na sagutin." tumawa na lang ako. "Maglinis na tayo."
Naglakad kami papunta sa may dock patungo sa yateng naka-assign sa amin ngayon para linisin. Sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon ay may nagbalak bumangga sa akin na kasamahan din namin kaso mabilis akong nakailag. Nagulat ako nang si Donna ang nabangga at agad na napaupo sa sahig.
"Aray naman!" sabi ni Donna, hinihimas ang balakang niya.
Napabaling ako ng tingin sa bumangga at mukhang iyon 'yong mga ibang taga-maintenance din na may gusto ata kay Draisen. Mukhang ako dapat ang target dahil wala silang magawa.
"Ayos ka lang, Donna?" tanong ko. Aakmang tatayo siya kaso nakita ko ang sugat sa binti niya. Mukhang tumama pa ang tuhod sa may kahoy.
I gritted my teeth. Ako ang dapat nagkasugat dahil ako ang puntirya nila pero si Donna ang napuruhan. I was about to lash out and call them but I was surprised when I saw Ronnel appeared.
Dinaluhan kaagad ni Ronnel si Donna at binuhat. Nakita ko ang galit sa mata niya nang makitang may sugat sa binti si Donna. Nakatulala lang si Donna at mukhang hindi rin inasahan iyon.
"Magsorry kayo!" utos ni Ronnel.
"Aksidente lang naman ang nangyari. Bakit kami magsosorry?" sabi ng isa na mukhang matigas ang mukha.
"Nakita ko, sinadya niyo!"
"Bakit mo ba kami pinagbibintangan? Wala ka namang proweba."
Naiinis na rin ako pero mukhang hindi ko na kailangan magsalita dahil nagulat ako nang sinipa ni Ronnel ang basurahan na dala niya kanina kaya tumama iyon at tumalsik sa kanila. Rinig ko ang tilian nila dahil doon.
"Irereport ka namin kay Mrs. Dela Torres!" sabi pa ng isa.
"Mama mo report," sabi ni Ronnel. "Sige, gawin niyo! Bilisan niyo kung hindi papakain ko sa inyo 'yong mga basura rito!"
Nanlilisik ang mga mata ng mga babae roon at nagmadali nang umalis nang aakmang sisipain ulit ni Ronnel ang basura patungo sa kanila. We were left there, Ronnel was still carrying Donna. Kita ko ang pamumula ng mukha ni Donna na mukhang natameme pa rin.
"Ang bigat naman," rinig kong angal ni Ronnel. "Mas mabigat pa sa mga basurang binubuhat ko—aray ko!"
"Okay na sana pero talagang sisirain mo!" hinatak ni Donna ang tenga niya. "Ano na namang palabas 'to, ha, lumot ka?!"
"Ang sakit! Wala ka bang utang na loob? Niligtas ka na nga, e!"
"Hindi ko hiningi ang tulong mo! Maliit na sugat lang naman!" sabi ni Donna. "Ibaba mo na ako, mukha kang tanga!"
"Bakit mo ako inaapi? Akala ko ba mahal mo ako?"
"Bwakanangina ka! Ang kapal mong lumot ka!"
Pinaghahampas hampas siya ng namumula na si Donna. I was just standing there, watching them fight but I could see that they really care about each other.
"Hindi mo naman kailangan..." mahinang sambit ni Donna at tumigil na sa paghampas. Yumuko siya para hindi makita ni Ronnel ang mukha niya. "Akala mo naman ikinagwapo mo, mukha ka pa ring bisugo."
Mukhang tapos na mag-away ang dalawa. Sinamahan ko si Ronnel para dalhin si Donna sa may office para malinisan ang sugat. They were still arguing but I know they were both aware with their feelings. Para tuloy akong third wheel dito habang pinapanood silang dalawa.
"Namiss ko tuloy si bato," bulong ko sa sarili ko nang makalabas ako para kumuha ng malinis na tubig panlinis sa sugat ni Donna. "Kung wala lang talaga akong iniisip, baka sinunggaban ko na 'yon."
Nagpatuloy ako sa paglabas ng building patungo sa may public restroom. I was about to head outside when I saw a familiar figure of a man who just came out of it.
"C-Captain Burgos," I greeted.
Hindi ko naitago ang pagkabigla ko. I wasn't expecting to see him right now ever since I heard his conversation with Draisen before. Kita ko rin ang pagkagulat sa kanya nang makita ako.
"Riyel," he greeted back with a smile.
Walang nagsalita ni isa sa amin. It was weird because it was obvious he's being awkward around me and I know the reason. Nakatitig ako sa kanya, pilit binabasa ang bawat ekspresyon at galaw niya.
"Kamusta po, Cap?" I was the one who broke the silence. I was waiting for him to ask me how I'm doing like he's used to. But this day, he looks like he doesn't even want to talk to me.
"Ayos naman," ngumiti siya ulit. Another silence surrounded us. Mukhang wala siyang balak dugtungan ang pag-uusap naming dalawa.
"Gusto ko sanang magtagal pa ang pag-uusap nating dalawa kaso may kailangan kasi akong puntahan." pagpuputol niya ng usapan para makaalis na. "Next time we'll see each other again, I'll invite you over for a lunch."
Hindi ako nagsalita at nanatili lamang ang tingin sa kanya. I was being obvious that I wanted him to notice it. Mukhang nagpatay malisya lamang siya at muling hilaw na tumawa. He bid me goodbye and was supposed to walk away when I called him again.
"Cap,"
Hindi kaagad siya napalingon. Ako na ang naglakad para liitan ang distansya sa pagitan naming dalawa. If I wouldn't get an answer from Draisen, I might have information from Captain Burgos.
Gusto ko lang talaga malaman para manahimik na ang konsensya ko.
I don't want to go on those sleepless nights again thinking of what actually happened.
And I know that I deserve to know it. My desperation right now is reaching my limit.
Hindi ko kayang tanungin kay Draisen dahil sa takot ko. Pero ngayong kaharap ko si Captain Burgos, hindi ko alam kung bakit malakas ang loob ko.
"I've heard your conversation with Draisen last night." panimula ko. Nakita ko ang paglunok niya ng laway. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I know what you two talked about."
Nanatili siyang nakatayo roon at mukhang kinakabahan. Looks like he doesn't want to talk about it to me. And I was sure he was the one who wanted to do something about that tragedy, but Draisen doesn't want him to.
"Gusto ko pong malaman kung ano po ang totoong nangyari." diretsahan kong tanong.
Nakatingin lamang siya sa akin na mukhang iniisip pa kung magsasalita ba siya o hindi. Seconds passed and I can still sense his hesitation. For some reason, I can feel my frustration growing.
"You clearly seen how that incident affected me." pinilit kong magpakatapang pero hindi ko maiwasan ang panginginig ng boses ko. "I lost...my family. Every one of them."
"Riyel..." he looks frustrated as well. "I'm sorry but I can't..."
"Please..."
Hindi ulit siya nakapagsalita. Sobrang desparada na ako. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng mahaba at detalyadong eksplanasyon. Kahit konting salita lang, pilit kong iintindihin. Kasi pakiramdam ko mababaliw ako kung hindi ko malalaman.
"Dahil po ba utos sa'yo kaya hindi mo dapat sabihin?" nanghihina kong tanong.
That was my assumption. Maybe something's stopping him from telling the truth. Something powerful to silence him about the incident.
"I won't tell a soul," I said. "Gusto ko lang talaga malaman para kahit gano'n, mabigyan ng hustisya sa akin ang pagkamatay ng pamilya ko. Kahit iyon lang...parang awa mo na po."
I was already pleading. I just want to clear it in my head. No matter what it is, I wanted to know. Kahit ano man ang maging epekto no'n sa'kin, wala na akong pakialam.
I heard him sighed when I began sobbing. Hindi ko na napigilan ang pagluha ko.
Alam kong hindi ito ang tamang oras para maging emosyonal ako pero hindi ko kayang pigilan lalo na't baka ito na lang ang pagkakataon para malaman ko kung ano talaga ang nangyari noon.
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" he asked.
Naramdaman ko ang pagkalabog ng puso ko. His question made me think that if he would tell me the truth, it would instantly turn everything upside down. I was terrified but I've experienced worst. What more could I lose?
"Tell me..." I muttered.
Muli niya akong tinignan ng diretso sa mata ko. Naglakad siya palapit sa akin at kita ko ang sakit at kalungkutan sa mga mata niya. Huminga siya ulit ng malalim bago tumingin sa akin.
"It was your brother." he finally said. "Your brother caused that explosion."