Hi guys, I'm so sorry this update took so long. Life sort of got to me and unfortunately my updates may be slow as I finish out this last month of school. But I'll do my best to update sooner rather than later.
Enjoy! And as always, tpwk
Molly
Harry and I have been home for about a week and he's been more more attentive to my emotions and how I'm feeling about life just in general. He's been trying to help me with Isabelle instead of just taking over and fixing everything.
I really appreciate everything he's been doing since being home but I also feel like he's worrying over me too much. To be honest, ever since I told him and got it all out I've felt a little better because it was like a weight was lifted. Obviously not everything was magically fixed and better after I told him, but I've been feeling supported which has helped.
But still, he worries. Which I know he does no matter what because that's just who he is, but I wish he wouldn't worry so much. I'm not going to do anything rash or impulsive with myself or the baby, I'm just having a hard time connecting with her and adapting to motherhood.
And I'm where I'm at currently because of his worries. I tried to convince him to drop the subject and that I don't need it, but he wasn't having any of it.
So here I am, at a psychologists' office.
I don't want to be here, but I promised Harry I would try it at least once. He wants me to be able to find someone to talk to that could maybe understand and be able to help with what I'm going through.
I knew deep down that he was right, and that this would probably be a good thing in the end. But I don't want anyone else to worry about me, I don't want to burden anyone. And, if I continue to keep going here it would mean time away from Harry and Isabelle weekly.
And I know I would feel bad if I had to leave them for two hours a day once a week.
I had yet to talk to the doctor, Harry was the one that found her and talked to her over the phone, giving her a brief overview of what I had explained to him. Apparently she specializes in women who are either pregnant or new mothers, which I didn't even realize was a specialty of psychology.
But I guess it makes sense considering much much babies can change you, physically and emotionally.
"Molly Thomas?" I shot my head up at the sound of my name being called, seeing a relatively young woman standing in the doorway of the small waiting area.
I stood up slowly, giving her a small and hesitant smile.
"Hi, right through here." She pointed her hand down a small hallway and to an open door, following behind me as I walked forward.
I looked around the room as she shut the door behind me. It wasn't exactly what I thought, it was much cozier than what I imagined it to be. I always imagined shrink offices to be boring and full of books, but hers wasn't.
There was soft lighting throughout by lamps, and there was a fuzzy area rug with comfy couches on top of it. There was a desk in the corner with a computer and a notebook with little nicknacks.
There's plants all over and colorful paintings on the walls, it almost looks like someone's living room.
"Have a seat, make yourself cozy." She pointed to the couches and I slowly sat down, setting my purse next to me. She grabbed a notebook from the desk and sat in a chair across from the couch.
"I'm Dr. Monroe but you can call me Nicole. I talked to your partner briefly over the phone but I want to hear more from you specifically." I nodded my head as she took the cap off her pen and settled into her seat further.
"How about you go ahead and tell me why you're here?"
"Uhm, I don't know. I didn't really want to come at first. . . Harry made the appointment for me." I started picking at my nails and avoided eye contact.
"That's alright, a lot of people are uncomfortable being here at first. But it sounds like you have a supportive person at home." I nodded my head at her words, still avoiding her gaze.
"How about I asked you a few questions based off of what your partner told me over the phone, okay?" I nodded again.
"Sure, that's fine."
"Okay, so he mentioned that you've been having some trouble with the baby and adjusting to motherhood, would you say that's correct?"
"Yeah, sometimes I don't feel like her mother."
"Tell me more about that."
"Uhm, well when she cries it's really hard for me to calm her down, and it's hard for me to put her to sleep a lot of the time. So I sort of feel like I'm failing all the time." I shifted my weight as my anxiety grew, I was starting to feel uncomfortable with sharing, but I know it's something I need to do.
"When did you start feeling this way?"
"Once we brought her home, I think." She nodded her head and kept writing things down, which made me nervous.
"Have they been getting better or worse since then?" She looked up at me with a straight face, but her eyes were kind which made me feel better. I don't feel like she is judging me.
"Worse."
"Do you think the way you're feeling is affecting the way you care for your baby?"
"Yeah, most of the time I just let Harry take care of her because I know I'm just going to make it worse. The only time I really do anything with her is if she's hungry or Harry isn't home. But even then I feel like I'm doing the bare minimum." She nodded her head again, her pen moving across the page.
"Do you feel bonded to her in anyway?"
I'm not sure why but this particular question made my breath catch and my body stilled. I balled my hands into fists into my lap and looked down, my eyes welling with tears. I kept my head down but shook my head no, that I don't feel bonded to her.
I heard something sliding across the coffee table and looked up enough to see a box of tissues in front of me. I grabbed one and wiped under my eyes, sniffling a little.
"Do you want to talk about that or save it for a different session?"
"A different session." I looked up at her through blurry eyes and saw her give me a smile before she looked down at her notebook again.
"This is going to be a tricky question because you do have a baby, but how are your energy levels or sleeping habits?" She laughed a little, and it somehow worked to lighten the mood.
"I'm tired all the time, even if I sleep enough at night. And any chance I get to sleep, I'll take it."
"Okay, and what about your appetite? Do you eat more, less, or the same amount?" I thought about this for a second, because most of my memory of eating at this point is when I ate anything and everything while pregnant.
"I think less, but I'm not sure."
The questions went on for a little more about my general feelings and if I had support or help at home. Some of the questions were more difficult than others, but she told me that it was normal. The first session can be hard for anyone, especially because all she was doing this session was figuring out why I'm here.
"Okay, I believe you have what is called postpartum depression. It's fairly common with new moms and it usually fades over time, so I don't want you to worry too much. There's a few things you can do to try and help it, but it may just take some time." I nodded my head at her words, waiting for her to put her notebook aside and tell me what to do.
"I want you to start working on five things in particular. The first is I want you to try and incorporate exercise into your routine. I know it can difficult with how you're feeling and having a baby. But just try and go for a walk outside, get some sun and fresh air to clear your head." I nodded my head and kept listening.
"Secondly, I want you to make some time for yourself. It can be by yourself or with friends and family. But just find a night to do something you love, without the baby."
"Third, I want you to start thinking about realistic expectations with being a new mom. Motherhood isn't easy for everyone, it's an adjustment period, and I don't want you to convince yourself you need to do everything perfectly. It's okay to not do it all perfectly."
"I also want you to avoid isolating yourself. Find someone to talk to about how you're feeling, you can even join a new mom support group. You may even find that there's plenty of women who feel like you do."
"Lastly, I want you to ask for help, or accept help if it's offered. It's okay to ask and receive help." I nodded my head and she leaned forward a little.
"Molly, motherhood isn't easy, it also isn't black and white. You don't just fail or succeed. You take it a day at a time, and some days may be easier than others, and that's okay. As long as your baby is happy and healthy, you're doing something right." She sent me a smile and stood up. I followed suit, grabbing my purse and stepped towards the door.
"Uhm, thank you." I felt awkward now, knowing she knows so much about me and everything I swore I wouldn't tell anyone.
"It's all gonna work out Molly, it'll just take some time. In the meantime, you work on those five things, and I'll see you next week, okay?" I nodded my head and left her office, heading downstairs to go home.
I feel exhausted now, and like I just told someone my whole entire life history, even though I only told her a little bit.
I walked outside to see one of Harry's cars parked out front. I walked up to it and opened the door, sliding into the passenger seat.
"Hi baby." I looked over to Harry and sent him a small smile as he leaned in to place a kiss to my cheek.
"Hi." I turned around to the backseat to realize Isabelle wasn't there.
"Where's belle?"
"I got our parents to watch her for a little bit. I have a surprise for you."
"Harry. . ."
"Nope, you're not allowed to tell me no to this surprise." He sent me a cheeky smile before putting the car in park and driving off. I sighed but didn't say anything else, too tired to argue with him right now.
"How was it?" His voice was soft as he asked me, his eyes glancing over to look at me for a second.
"It was hard, honestly." He nodded his head. "She told me I have postpartum depression." I turned my head to look at the window, now wanting to see his reaction to me saying that.
I didn't really want to tell him, but I also know that Dr. Monroe told me not to hide anything, and to accept help and support when it's given to me.
I didn't hear him say anything though, he kept his eyes on the road but took one hand off the wheel to grab mine, intertwining our hands together.
"Well, at least now we know, and we can do things to help, right?" His voice sounded hopeful as he squeezed my hand.
I looked over to him as we stopped at a red light, seeing him already looking at me.
"Yeah, I guess so." I nodded my head with a sigh, turning back to look out the window as the light turned green.
It was silent in the car for a while, just the two of us holding hands as he drove us to whatever surprise he had in store for me this time.
"Are you gonna tell me what the surprise is?"
"No, when have you ever known me to reveal surprises to you?" He was smiling as he spoke, his dimple indenting in his cheek.
"Never." I smiled a little at his smile and how excited he seems. He always looks excited when he has a surprise for me, it's endearing.
"Plus, we don't have to watch the baby, so we might as well go do something."
I nodded my head, watching as we drove past a few buildings and streets that looked familiar.
"Are we going where I think we're going?" He didn't say anything but let a smirk pull across his face. I kept my eyes on the road and watched as he pulled onto a very familiar road, causing me to sit up in my seat further.
I waited for him to get to where we were going and park the car before I turned to him with a smile on my face.
"The sunflower field?"