I stood in front of the house with guilt. I shouldn't have left without saying anything, I shouldn't have been quite the whole time. I shouldn't have been so selfish.
I didn't want to walk in. I was too scared and embarrassed to face my mom and donghyuck. What if he was still there? What if he's not? What if they're mad at me? What if they hate me after leaving?
I stood silent for a while before actually walking in. I lowered my head in shame, not being able to look them in the eyes. I took of my shoes hoping that no one was sitting or standing anywhere around the house, not even sleeping.
I wished it was only me, but I was wrong. A voice interrupted my wish, and it was my dad.
"where were you Eunbyul? I was worried! Your mom is worried, and so is everyone else! Why didn't you answer your phone?" I took my phone out of my pocket, my phone's battery died. "where's mom? And donghyuck?" "your mom's taking a shower. Haechan left almost an hour ago."
I told my dad that I'm going to my room and left. I walked into the dark room not bothered to turn on the lights. I took some comfortable clothes and went to the bathroom to get changed. It wasn't long until I came out of the bathroom.
I looked outside the curtains and it was nighttime already. The sky was dark, and it was quite. I don't know if that's a good thing to others, but it's not to me. When it's quite, I can't stop thinking. Whether if it's good or bad, my mind was always going through circles.
I placed my back against the wall and slid my feet. I was sitting on the floor as I thought 'why am I so selfish sometimes'
'Although I tried to help in some way, but it wasn't right'
'I know mom won't hate me but what if hyuck does'
'what if he thinks I'm selfish and he stops liking me'
Some thoughts led to others
'why am I always a burden to others'
'what if my parents are disappointed in me'
'would things have been better for everyone if I wasn't born'
Sometimes I'd think about how my parents would have had it easier if I wasn't born. I couldn't think of a time where I tried helping others and I actually helped them. I would always say or do something that would mess everything up.
I felt something warm fall on my hand. And because it was too dark, I couldn't tell what it was. I rushed to the bathroom and switched on the lights; it was blood. I looked at the mirror and my nose was bleeding.
After grabbing some tissues for my nose, I walked back to room and sat down on the bed.
I couldn't stop thinking about everything and I honestly didn't want to. Maybe it's better if I'm alone. Maybe it's better if I wasn't born. Cause to me, I don't think I deserve anything.
Maybe if I slept and didn't wake up, everyone will be happier.
Maybe no one will notice, and I won't be surprised.
At this moment, I hated myself. I even hated that I couldn't stop thinking.
I laid on my bed and forced myself to sleep. Maybe, just maybe, everything will be better when I wake up.