Tutor Me

Chapter 20 : PA!??

"where to miss?"
"To the stars"

I have never felt this distorted in my life. The thing that stunned me was, I was reacting too calmly. Like barricading my inner storms from reaching up.

How should I take it? How should I come to the terms that now I was left as an orphan. I felt numb all over. God my parents...

What in the world happened to my life?

My eyes blurred with tears. I stared at the ceiling fan in my room.

I can't even say I am fine because I was too mute to say anything. I wasn't fine how could I even be fine now?

The face of my mother came to my mind as the tears flow down my cheeks.

I am alone now

I am so alone

I looked at my hands. I don't know where to look, everything was reminding me of them.

I buried my head on my pillow.

I am six months late for grieving.

I didn't get to see them. It's just like yesterday.. just yesterday how I used to barge in home returning from school. Mummy shouting close the door keep the shoes in the rack. I, rushing not hearing her she was there as the default in the background of my life. I could remember how I call my father whenever I needed something. I could remember the dining table we eating together. Those trips those smiles and me looking up for their appreciations. Having a dream to make them proud. How can my life feel so empty now? How can I move forward with having no one beside me?

I feel so alone

They completed me they were there for me until now. I thought they will be there with me always. I thought we will be together till the end. I could never imagined something like this could have happened. Why will I imagine this? I never thought so how should I take this now?

Why couldn't I also die with them?

How will I do it alone?

I can't believe it had to be a nightmare please God please it's a nightmare I pray, I beg you
I clutched the pillow burying my sob in it. My body shook. It break having no one to hold me now. Comfort me and tell me everything will be alright.

I always used to nag I used to take them for granted maybe God is punishing me. I accept it I will cry and be good from now on but..Please it be a nightmare I can't live like this. I just can't live this way.

I grasped the pillow my eyes tightly shut, my lips mumbling desperately, "please please"

hoping it will be over soon.

It should be over soon.

I wanted to forget it all.
I wanted to escape this all I don't want it. This is cruel. God you are so cruel.

"Avi" Ryan called from outside my door. I didn't know for how long I had myself locked in my room.

"It's a dream Ryan?" I asked, could even hear how my voice sounded so hoarse.

"Open the door," he said.

I won't be able to move out of here. I don't want to meet anyone I don't want to talk to anyone. I just....my eyes again welled up I turned ignoring him. Putting my arms on my head to hide away as much as possible.

"Avi beta please open the door" my Aunt's voice requested softly

It made me more to stay there and never come out. I hate sympathy, it makes me feel so inferior. I hate everyone being now cautious around me.