fine line.

4.9 - Icy Waters

Part 4
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Chapter 9

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You will not be pregnant. He did not finish inside of you.

Illumi explained that Silva wants you out of the house; he is willing to kill both you and Killua if Illumi does not make this happen. Illumi told Silva that you are pregnant, which would require that you stay in the Zoldyck estate, since Illumi would be the father. That, of course, was a lie, and there was no proof to contradict that.

"Should we... do it again?" you ask, but the question does not have any ground. It floats in the air, then immediately dissolves, like a spray of Windex. No, this (what just happened between you and Illumi) will not be happening again. At least, not today. Illumi looks like a child who's ice cream cone got shoved out of his hand and stomped on.

In fact, he is staring at the mattress like he's trying to burn it with his eyes.

He is thinking. Like a black and white tape, the scene of you crying in his arms on the floor of his bathroom plays out. The breath of relief that escaped your lips as you saw the pregnancy test, the squeeze of your arms around his figure as you cried tears of exemption. He can see it in full detail, as clear as glass, but what he cannot imagine is your reaction if the test had been positive.

He tries to imagine it, but only receives a clenching in his heart. The man is not inhumane enough to put you through that unimaginable experience simply for his own sake. That would be selfish; no, worse than that.

Still, he remains silent, lost in thought like a fish in the abyss of the ocean. You don't know what to do, or say, so you linger in his arms, dragging your thumb over the back of his hand, feeling the ridges of his tendons. They jut out like twigs, hidden beneath smooth, pale skin.

"Has the Troupe left for Faith yet?"

"I'm not sure," Illumi says quietly. "We would have to ask Hisoka."

You remember your thoughts from earlier, about trying to win Silva over. Perhaps there is a way to get you to stay here; at least, until the Troupe leaves.

"My father does not just want to get you out of the house. He wants me to cut you out of my life, entirely."

It sounds as if Illumi read your mind. His words change things.

The secret that you are keeping, the one that has curdled like sour milk and turned into something disgusting: a lie; you remember it. You must tell him. One cannot lay with a lover, hold them close, seek solstice in their touch and return the favor while one is keeping a secret.

But the secret you hold—no, the lie—is vital to your plan to trump Silva's cards.

"Can I talk to Silva?"

Illumi appears surprised. "You want to talk to him?"

"Yes. I have some things to say that may change his mind."

"Whatever you say will not change his mind. I can guarantee that."

Either way, an attempt is an attempt. It is true that you do not want to be pregnant, but you also need to stay in Illumi's life. Not want, need. This thought concerns you, just in the slightest, because it is regarding love. Deep love.

"It will probably be best for you to meet with him tomorrow. It is already very late." Illumi stands up and begins to clothe himself. "But I will go notify my father now, so that he can clear a meeting time."