The Beauty & The Tragedy

Lonely When You're Not Around

I had been avoiding him on purpose. I knew exactly what he wanted to discuss and I wasn't the least bit interested. Demi and I argued about this until she caved in and left it up to me. Her medical directive stated what she preferred to have happen in severe situations but also left room for me to override anything I wasn't comfortable with. She had no desire to be on life support longer than three months.

"I'll let him know you'll be in to see him this afternoon." Jamie stated before she left the sterile hospital room.

"You're a real pain in the ass." I said sadly to the woman laying in the bed.

As usual she didn't respond.

I let out a long sigh before settling into the chair at her bedside. There was nothing else for me, not while she was in here at least. I watched the hands on the clock as they slowly but surely moved forward pushing me toward the inevitable.

***

The meeting with her lawyer went as expected. I informed him that under no circumstances whatsoever would she be removed from life support. He in turn argued with me on Demi's behalf but much like any arguments I had with her, I easily won the argument with him. It was annoying but he was just doing his job. I respected his honesty and follow through. He was a good man.

Without fail, time continued to pass and I felt like I was in a daze. I had no choice but to return to work or at at least some semblance to it. The hospital was driving me crazy. When I wasn't at my office, I was by her side. Thankfully Jamie was around to make sure I ate and slept, otherwise I would have withered away to nothing and probably died from exhaustion.

By the time the third month rolled around, I was starting to lose hope. I could feel the anger creeping into my veins and I was terrified of what would happen. She just laid there as if life wasn't happening all around her. The longer she laid there, the longer I remained at a standstill. I couldn't move forward without her so I was stuck with her in that hospital room.

It was the same thing day after day. When I wasn't with her her mother was. I could tell it was wearing on the older woman. She and I shared that burden. As I walked toward her room I could hear guitar music and I immediately recognized Joe's voice. He was singing to her.

I stood in the doorway and listened as he played. It was an unfamiliar song and it was very melancholy sounding. I suppose it matched the somber look on his face as he sang softly to Demi. He did it quite often. I remember the day he found out what had happened. He punched a hole through the wall and disappeared for three days. No one knew where he went or what he did, but when he came back he had lost all of his playful charm.

Each of the band members reacted very differently. Johnny was completely silent. Lauren cried. And Matt, well let's just say he didn't take it well. He was struggling with both the accident and Demi's condition. He had started drinking heavily and his behavior was erratic at best. I hadn't seen him in almost two weeks and Val didn't really talk about him much. I could tell she was stressed and since I had enough to deal with, I left it alone.

"Do you think she can me hear me?" He asked sadly as he acknowledged my presence and snapped me out of my thoughts. "I mean do you think she knows that I'm here?"

"I'd like to think so." I answered.

"Me too." He said softly before he turned away and resumed playing for her.

I felt slightly intrusive so I made my way to the cafeteria to get some coffee and give him some privacy. It's not like she was going anywhere. He and Demi were close and I didn't want to interfere with the time he spent with her.

I found Dianna sitting and staring blankly at the wall. She looked miserable and it broke my heart. There were so many things about this situation that were just unfair, and her mother faced with the possibility of losing her was one of them.

"Hey." I said gently as I sat next to her.

"Did she ever talk to you about what she'd want if something like this were to ever happen?" She asked carefully.

"She did."

"Then why are we putting ourselves through this?"

"Dianna..." I sighed. "Please not right now."

"Selena listen to me." Her mother said sadly. She was trying to hold back her own tears as mine began to fall freely.

"No."

"Selena."

I closed my eyes and remembered the last time I saw her. Her eyes were dancing. She was smiling. She was alive. I couldn't accept that she wasn't going to come back to me. I just couldn't. This was a test, it had to be. There was no other explanation.

"There's nothing they can do." Dianna spoke calmly.

"No. She wouldn't leave me. she..."

"Listen to me!" Her mother said forcefully as her voice cracked. "She's gone Sel. She's not there anymore! You have got to stop this. It's your responsibility as her wife to do the right thing."

"Dianna..."

"I know this is hard for you." Her features softened as she spoke. "You've gotta let her go Selena. It's what she wants."

"But she's breathing. Her heart is still beating she's right there." I reasoned.

"Because they are forcing her." Dianna responded sadly.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. This wasn't a part of the plan. She's supposed to be here." I cried as my voice broke.

"It never is sweetheart. I'm her mother. She should be burying me, not the other way around."

"I'm not going to give up." I said as I shook my head. "I can't."

"You know what the doctor said Selena. She's gone."

"As long as there's still a chance." My voice shook. "I will not give up on her."

I ended the conversation by getting up and walking away. I know that she didn't mean to upset me, she just wanted to be realistic and do what was best for everyone.The hardest part about all of this was the fact that Demi still lingered here. She wasn't all the way gone.

When I returned to her room, Joe was gone. I was thankful he had left since I wasn't exactly in the mood for company. Dianna had upset me and I needed a second to catch my breath. I sat in the chair next to her bed and let the tears flow freely. It was pointless to try and stop them anyway.

"I'd give anything just to hear your voice." I whispered as I watched the steady rise and fall of her chest. "Please. Just wake up."