The Beauty & The Tragedy

Your Heart Is The Reason I Keep My Feet On The Ground

It took me a long time to find myself again. I took comfort in my friends and family and I just sort of gave into a life without her. It was mostly scary and unpleasant but the sharp pain was eventually replaced with a dull ache. It wasn't perfect but it was bearable.

Johnny was there for me in ways that I will never be able to explain and because of that we became much closer than we were prior to Demi's death. I'm not even quite sure how it happened, but he brought me back to life and a funny thing happened. I found myself very attracted to him.

He resisted at first, but I can be persuasive and in the end I got what I wanted. I wasn't sure I was ready for a new relationship but we kept it casual and fun and he was so sweet to me. He wasn't overbearing and understood that I still wasn't over Demi and probably would never be. He got me through the worst moment of my life an to me that was everything. He made me happy and it was as simple as that.

Almost a year after her death, the band came together to finish the album they had started with her. They had been scattered for a while and taking time to heal from the loss they had suffered. They weren't sure if continuing without Demi was even an option at first. In the end they knew how much she loved the band and it was her life's work. None of them wanted to leave it behind.

I watched as Matt stood in the sound booth ready to record vocals. He put the headphones on and gave Joe the thumbs up. Joe hesitated before starting the track. They all seemed a little out of place right now and my heart ached for them as they tried to restore some type of familiarity into their lives.

Matt stood there with his jaw clenched. I could see it in his eyes the moment he heard her voice. He pulled off the headphones and threw them. He yanked the door open and stormed out of the booth. This had been hard on all of them, especially him. He was with her when it happened and he had been through a lot since then.

The rest of the band sat in silence as they waited to see if he was going to return. I could tell they all felt slightly out of their element. I took a deep breath and decided to be the brave one. It was all about putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

I found him standing outside staring out into the parking lot. He looked sad and a little bit lost. I understood him completely.

"She should be here." He said as he ran his hands through his hair.

"I know." I said gently.

"It's bullshit. It's all just fucking bullshit." He said angrily. "I miss her every fucking day."

"Me too."

"She's just gone Sel. I can't call her up when I get a new song idea. I can't...." He took a deep breath as he broke down crying.

It was strange to me to see him like this. He was a large and generally composed man. A mans man if you will. I wasn't familiar with his more vulnerable side. He and Demi were close and I think the finality finally got to him. She existed now only in pictures and recordings. Hearing her voice had obviously shaken him.

"Hey." I heard Joe say gently as he stepped outside and joined us. "Come on man, let's do this. She's with us let's make her proud." He said as he draped an arm over the singers shoulder.

"Ok." Matt agreed as he wiped at the tears on his face.

I followed them back inside and watched as Matt once again entered the booth and started to record vocals. The emotion in his voice was haunting and beautiful. As I listened to the words he sang, I couldn't help the tears that slipped down my checks. Those were Demi's words and it broke my heart knowing she'd never write another song.