Inevitable

xlviii: guilt

I don't know where to start, or what all should I cover, because there is so much. I feel like I'm going behind my mother because this is her story, not mine. But it impacts me too, it has impacted my entire life till this day.

"Do you need anything?" He asks and I shake my head, setting back in the bed a little with his hand still in mine.

"He was Mom's high school boyfriend." I start, swallowing as I meet his eyes. I have his full attention. He has removed his shoes, and he's sitting in front of me with his legs folded in Indian style. "They had been dating a few months, and they both got a little drunk at a party he threw. He was a bad influence on her, from the beginning but she didn't realise how much until that night."

"What happened?" He asks and I grimace at the thought.

I try to keep back the bile that rises with that thought and the one that follows after it. "Mom got pregnant that night."

"With you." He whispers and I nod, trying not to cry because I'm so sick of crying. "What went wrong?"

"He didn't have her consent, Blake." I try to put it in as simple terms as possible without wanting to repeat the exact words of what I found out.

"What?" His lips part, his hold on my hand tightening as he processes the words.

"Yeah." I close my eyes to swallow down the pain.

"Is that why he's in jail?" He asks, because things were that simple when it came to Nathaniel Miller.

I shake my head before nodding. "There's more."

"Anytime you want to stop, that's okay with me." He assures me. I give him a small smile for being so patient with me.

"He refused to accept that Mom was pregnant, or that he was the father. To make it worse, Granpa didn't take the news of Mom's pregnancy well, didn't listen to her when she tried to convey that she was basically raped. He threw her out of the house—"

"Seriously?" He looks shocked, and I was too, when I got to know. It has taken me a long time to forgive so many people in my life for their actions in the past.

I nod feebly. "It's in the past."

"I'm sorry." He looks sincere. "I don't want to sound judgmental but it's just unexpected, seeing how close you all are."

"I know." I look at him, shrugging. "That's why it's in the past."

He nods, "Go on."

"Gramps got her to New York, where I was born. She stayed with him until after her pregnancy but there's something else." My voice breaks a little and his hand comes around my cheek as his thumb grazes my skin.

"What is it?"

"I had a twin brother." I blink back the tears, because this is something I've had years to make my peace with. "He was still born."

He doesn't say anything, he just pulls me closer and I let him. I crawl in his lap, taking in his scent to calm my nerves.

"I am grateful to the family I have, but I think about Evan, if it would be different if he was here." I explain. "Evan's the name Mom decided on. Evan and Emily, like Odion and Ohana."

When I see the two of them getting along like they do, like they have some telepathy powers, that's when I think about the loss. I wonder about it the most when things related to my father go haywire, like today. If he was here, he would've helped me understand if the decision I made was correct or wrong, because he would have to make the same one.