Inevitable

xxxiii: wallowing

I've been wallowing. It's third night in the row that I've locked myself up in my room with ice cream and chips. My laptop is by my side and I'm watching some dumb rom-com. I haven't been able to get over the fact that I've officially ended things with Genesis.

In the past, I've considered it but this time, it just feels so final. It was terrible to avoid glancing at her office at work. Blake constantly bugged me with "what is wrong?" question but I couldn't answer him. Just to avoid him, I've been leaving work ten minutes early with some excuse.

But there's only so long I can go avoiding him. I've actually started missing him. We've been able to avoid talking anything other than work with his training coming up next week. Whenever he has tried to deviate the topic, I've somehow drawn it back to work.

My phone notifies me that I'm getting a FaceTime request from Brian, and I mentally debate for a second before answering it.

"Hey." I smile at the screen as Brian comes into my view.

He instantly frowns at me. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, what?" I sit up a little in the bed as I scowl at the screen. Seriously? He's barely glanced at me.

"Do you know how long I've known you, Em?" He gives me a 'duh' look. "Spill the beans."

"Is it Emily?" I hear Steve's voice in the background before he comes by Brian's side and waves at me. "Oh, Em. What's wrong?"

"Okay, that's creepy now." I mumble.

"You have ice cream right here." Brian points out to the corner of my mouth. I wipe it off with a scowl intact on my face. "Your hair are in a low bun and you're wearing Nate's ridiculous jersey t-shirt that you don't wear unless something's really wrong. So, what is it?"

"Yes, you're making it really less creepy now." I try to mock them.

I'm tempted to pull off the t-shirt I'm wearing now that he's so blatantly pointed it out. I don't like being this predictable. But it's Brian, who am I kidding?

"Did you have a fight with Dee again?" Steve asks and I shake my head.

"I haven't really talked to anyone at home since the trip." I bite on my inner cheeks. "Can I ask you something?"

Both of them nod at me but Steve's the one who speaks up. "Of course."

"Do you think Gen is toxic?"

I haven't been able to get that word out of my head. It sounds so weird, and I've never picked up on it because I genuinely believe people toss it around so lightly, much like love and hate. But I can't help but wonder about it as I've been tracing back to Genesis's behaviour these past few days.

"Oh, hon." Brian starts, his voice filled with care and sympathy. "Of course, she is, kid. She has been dragging you along for months now and every time you start to slip away, she gives you a little bit hope of more to drag you right back in."

Fuck. I hadn't really thought about it like that but now that he's said it so clearly, I feel tears stinging my eyes. How could I have so low self-esteem to let her treat me this way? I feel so angry towards her, but mostly towards myself for letting her have that much control over me.

"I didn't know." My voice cracks a little. "I've set her up on such a pedestal, I never thought about it like that."

"Honey, it's okay if you want to cry, you know?" Steve looks at me with concerned eyes and that's when the tears start spilling one after another.

"Em, did something happen?"

I wipe my cheeks and nose from the back of my hand as I nod. "I had been very uncomfortable with her lately since I found out about her ex-fiancé, you know?"