On the Edge of Tomorrow

Chapter 9

"Do I get to know why you can't come?" Billy's voice was smooth, unsettling in its void of emotion.

"I told you I'm not a girl that follows a guy." I slumped to the couch next to him and pulled my legs to my chest as though they'd provide protection.

"Am I just a guy?" His face was placid. 

"No, but... you know what I mean." 

"I'm asking you to give up a shitty job, nothing else."

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he ran his fingers through his wiry, dark hair. The thoughts flowed through his entire body like sparks of electricity. Tension coursing through him was my punishment.

"I'm scared," I admitted.

"Of me?" His hands pulled together as though he were praying. He cleared his face again and stared blankly back at me. 

"No," I paused for a moment to collect my thoughts.

Was I scared of him? I knew I feared the path he was walking. If he succeeded in his dream, he'd lose all his anonymity. If I stayed in his orbit, I'd lose my ability to walk away from him and lose my privacy as well. With all the bright lights and loud noises, would I ever find my passion, myself?

"Yes," came in a broken whisper.

"Lil, hurting you would be like hurting myself."

He was contorting his colossal frame in a way that he appeared small and vulnerable.

"I don't think you'd hurt me, not directly," my voice was hoarse like his.

Billy's eyes fell to an empty coffee mug on the table before us. I knew he understood, but I needed to say the words out loud.

"Your destination isn't for me. The thought of it." A shiver drove through me. "It frightens me. But if I don't walk away now, I'll never be able to leave you."

He continued to shrink before my eyes as his fingers combed through his hair again.

"What if I stop? What if I stay?" The panic of his voice was causing his fingers to go rigid in his hair.

"That's not fair," I protested.

"It's my decision to make," he argued without looking at me.

His pointer fingers pinched his lower lip, pulling it out before it slipped and snapped back into place.

"No, it's not. That isn't fair to me. I don't want to be the girl that stopped you from your dreams."

He let out a laugh. "I'm the selfish one. I ask you to give up your world, but you won't let me give up mine."

"Because you would; at least you'd try. You're crushingly generous. I'm about to hide you in my closet so the rest of the world can't take advantage of you." A laugh came, but I was only mildly kidding.

"I can't persuade you?" He looked at me now, a small last-ditch effort.

"I'm sure you can," I countered. "I'm also positive that you won't try."

He let out a sigh, "I can't do it, Lil." No confidence remained. The bravado had drained. "If you were by my side, it'd give me strength. Without you, I don't know if I'll survive."

"Of course you will. Don't be ridiculous." I tried to sound confident for him, but his deflated demeanor worried me.

"I'm so alone out there, Lil. No one understands me. It's frightening to be surrounded by people and feel completely alone."

"What about your friend from back home? The funny one."

The calls where he sounded considerably more relaxed and even energized, Billy would mention he had spoken to a friend from home. Frustration tinged in my neck as I searched for the name; Billy would have remembered if roles were reversed. He focused on me in a way I could never return.