Love & Care

Chapter 25

Alexandras P.O.V.

It was later this evening and I was sitting on the couch.
Maya and Layla were on their way to bed. Selena was bringing them, especially Maya, to bed, while Taylor was in the kitchen doing something.
She told me to stay in the living room so I was just sitting here wondering what they wanted to talk to me about.
"Hey Sunshine." Selena plopped down on the couch next to me and with a smile I leaned against her.
I heard footsteps and just seconds later Taylor came in with three mugs.
She handed me and Selena each one before sitting down on my other side.
It was hot cocoa. "Thank you." I said inhaling the smell.
"You're very welcome." All of us were sitting in more or less silence. I was waiting for them to say something but they didn't seem too know what to say. They exchanged glances and shrugs but didn't say anything. After a while Selena sighed and spoke up.
"We're worried about you sunshine. You always seem tired and on edge. Youre sisters have calmed down but you seem anxious all the time." She started before looking at Taylor.
"You know Alex we just want to help you but you don't let us in." Taylor said and I felt guilty.
The two of them had taken us in. They were taking great care of us and I couldn't bring myself to trust them
enough. It's not like I didn't want to talk about everything but my mind was anxious and telling me that they would get rid of me as soon as they found out how disgusting I was.
I felt Selena touching my shoulder. She started to rub it in circles to bring me comfort.
Taylor was stroking my hair putting loose strands back every now and then.
"Sunshine. Whatever is going on inside your head we can't help you if you don't let us in." I felt tears stinging in my eyes but shook my head. I can't let them in. It will hurt them and then they will get rid of us.
"Lexi please. We won't hurt you and whatever you tell us is not gonna change what we think about you." They moved closer towards me and I could feel the heat they radiated.
A tear rolled down my cheek so I quickly wiped it away and took a deep breath to calm myself.
"It's okay to cry." I heard Taylor murmur into my hair as she pulled my body toward her.
Her arms wrapped around my body she started to rock me back and forth while Selena who had scooted closer to us continued to draw patterns on my back and play with my hair.
I felt another tear roll down my cheek and a sob escaped my lips.
"Oh sunshine." Selena had put her arms around me as well and I was trapped in the warm embrace of those two.
"Just let it out. It's okay. We'll stay with you the whole time." Taylor promised as another sob feel from my lips.
I was shaking from the sobs and my eyes had already started hurting from all the crying.
But just like they promised they stayed with me the whole time. Taylor held me close to her chest and Selena was stroking my back and hair. They didn't tell me to calm down or to stop crying but I somehow managed to calm myself down.
It took me awhile because there touch was so comforting that I didn't feel like crying was bad.
"Do you feel better now?" Taylor said while turning me around on her lap so I could face both her and Selena.
I nodded and wiped my tears away smiling at them.
"I'm sorry for this." I quickly answered but both of them immediately shook their head.
"Don't you dare to apologize for crying. It's completely normal to show your emotions." Selena said and I nodded looking down.
"Now Lexi, I think we need to talk about what caused this meltdown?" Taylor said. Her arms were still wrapped around me so there was no way I could get out of this. So I just shrugged.
"Sunshine. We won't force you to talk to us but we both know from experience that talking helps." Selena said and I found myself giving in.
"I just feel overwhelmed I guess." I answered looking down at my hands.
They nodded but stayed silent waiting for me to go more into detail. As I didn't gave them more details Selena asked me.
"What do you mean by that?" She put a strand of hair behind my hair.
"It's just uhm. I'm not used to this. Any of this." I answered.
"And uhm" I stopped and looked down.
"What Lexi?" Taylor asked me. I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about it." I mumbled.
I saw her nodding. "You don't have to but I'm sure it would help you." She answered.
I shook my head. "You can't help me. It's something I have to deal with myself."
"You can't be sure about that if you don't try it." She answered.
Then I saw her giving me a look. "It's about your scars is it?" I looked at her schocked. How did she figure that out? Had I been this obvious.
"Was Taylor right?" Selena asked. I shrugged but under both of their gazes I nodded.
"I just feel so ugly." I mumbled looking down. My hand traced the scar on my stomach. They both looked at me with pity and concern.
"You don't feel like it's true right? You know that you aren't worthless right?" Selena asked I could hear her voice trembling. I shrugged and continued to look down.
She put her hand under my chin to make me look at her.
"You know that you're not worthless right?" I saw the tears in her eyes.
I couldn't answer her. I knew the answer but I knew that it wouldn't be the one she hoped for.
"Alex?" She asked. The tears about to spill.
"I am worthless." I said closing my eyes. I could hear her gasping but I continued.
"I wasn't able to protect my sisters. They got hurt because I wasn't strong enough. Fuck I wasn't able to protect then. It's my job as their oldest sister to make sure they're safe and there were days were they would go to bed hungry because I didn't work hard enough. There were days were they freezing cause I had to choose between food or heating." I could hear Selena crying but I didn't look at her.
"Sunshine. You're so strong without you they wouldn't be here. You gave up so much to take care of them." She tried to comfort me. "And you're worth so much. You're beautiful and strong. You're smart. You're talented."
While she spoke Taylor had pulled me closer to her chest.
"But I am so disgusting." I cried out. I couldn't hold it anymore. I could feel Taylor tense up. "No Lexi you're not." "But he violated me. I can still feel his hands on me. And his smell is still lingering around."
"Who? Alex." Taylor was the only one talking as Selena was full on crying now.
"My father. He... He raped me." I turned around and hid my face in Taylors neck were I continued crying.
She was stroking my hair and rocking us back and forth.
"And... He sold me. I'm disgusting. He earned money by selling my body. I'm a whore." Taylor shook her head.
I could feel her tears on my shoulder.
"No you're not. You've been used against your will. Nothing of this is your fault. Well take care of you know I promise you." She kissed me on the head.
"But how I'm a supposed to deal with this. I've been invisible since I was a child. I am good at comforting myself when I cry. I don't even now how I am supposed to let people in." I was still crying.
Taylor was still rocking us back and forth.
"You'll be okay. I'll promise you. We won't leave you."
I could hear her starting to sing.

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny

You've got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have honey
If you could stay like that
Oh darling don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No one will desert you
Just try to never grow up
Never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom is dropping you off
At 14 there is just so much you cant do
And you cant wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
Don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school

Oh darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

And no one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up
Take pictures in your mind
Of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like
When your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps
Remember the words said
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my nightlight on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up
Oh I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh I dont wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to
Please try to never grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Never grow up
Just never grow up

At some point I curled closer to her and closed my eyes. Eventhough my tears were still rolling I felt calm and fell asleep.
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