The Lights We Cannot See

"164th Breakdown"

You're so wicked that you can go on more than a day not talking to me. I'm not "Ms. Popular" now, so you chose to get rid of me. Is that it?

I am so tired of people leaving me...

But no matter what I do, I don't choose to leave because I know the most how it feels to be alone.

I hate you!
I HATE YOU
I HATE YOU
I HATE YOU
I HATE YOU
I. HATE. YOU.

.....but I'm just kidding myself.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I lost my friends. In school I'm alone, On the internet, I'm a popular sensation. If people knew who I am, they would be stoked to meet me.

But I don't want to risk my family knowing this side of me. I want them to know me as a happy little rascal like I am especially when I was younger and void of knowing this cruel world.

I don't want to love nor fall in love anymore. It's tiring, takes too much time, it beats you up and it can take away your happiness... like the way, it took away my best friend.

I'm done crying just to get through the day.

You've ruined me too much because I let you, and now I don't know how to socialize and be in a large crowd.

Sixth Grade is my family... but you are my best momentum of them.

Though I bid goodbye, you'd forever be a part of my journey.

Don't want to forget you, but I have to for I'll break and break if I see you every day. Until we meet again, in a place where we both have a place in this world to protect and stand for.

Some say young love is so stupid or vague or too cliché. But to me, young love is what shaped my life, my identity, my point of view, and my understanding of this world.

You made me better or I made myself better for you.

It's basically, one of the two...

I was watching you as you slowly gave up on me, and you don't think that shit hurts? That shit broke me.

You know, our breakup was the worst of worst breakups I've ever been to?

It fucking hurts that time. You had people who were there, but do you know who I got? I got the most freaking depressed motherfucker of all. I was fucking alone while I was saying "I Don't Need Anyone!" Because I was testing on who would stay beside me... I had my hopes you wouldn't and you proved me wrong. Maybe you are like them. Maybe you're right, I'm no fun 'cause I can't even take a joke.

Jokes are half meant and if you'd ever been called things you aren't, you'd know how it feels.

I'm so tired of people leaving me.

I thought maybe you'll be the one to prove me wrong of my point of view of people.. but you only made it worse because you didn't just make it to my expectations, you went past it and now I lost you. So I don't know what to do anymore. A lot of people whom I grew up with are leaving the country too. My favorite/best friend/cousin left the country to move to New Zealand, and the others are moving to the US. But I'm stuck here, I have my whole family but why am I still sad?

I can't breathe when I'm crying now. What about you?

I miss those talks, those interrogations, those eye contact, those memories, those feelings, and that life.

But I miss you the most in that life. I miss you the most and it's killing me.

You're killing me every minute of the day. You yourself is killing me slowly...