The Lights We Cannot See

"Purer than Gold"

If I say that I'll stay, I'll stay. I'm not someone who breaks a promise. I would never go around and make empty promises. Promises should be fulfilled. You made a promise that you can't keep, and now I'm still waiting for you to come around. Darling, it hurts to be alone. You say you don't want me to get hurt. Oh, baby! you shouldn't have let our hearts blossom like that. And now you want to rip what we sow, just because you're scared to fall in love. Tell me the real reason why, so I can help. Maybe it is okay to not be okay.

A blossoming flower that is waiting to be fed with water, love and happiness. They say without love is equal to never living at all, but what if you've been deeply scarred and still living with the trauma of the things that happened in the past. You can never live the same way, I did. I have seen, felt, cried, and mourned for people who are not yet dead. Their here but they make you feel like their not here. "I'm sorry" a word that can end a relationship, a word that can give you a fresh start, a word that can ease you off your pain, a word that no one has ever said to me.

I have said that word quadruple times yet, I have never heard someone say that to me. In a world where they expect you to be perfect and smart. It's annoying, it's painful, it sometimes burn even without flame or anything. Just the pain from the burning passion you once had, from the burning promises that seemed just like it was yesterday, from the burning love and connection we once had.

We can still have it, if you just let me back in. I want to be beside you again, but I don't want you to think that I'll just hold you back. I don't know what our other friends told you about me, just don't believe them 'cause you've known me for 3 years, you know me more than you think you do. You're the first and only person, I showed my true characteristics, my true attitude, my true self, my true feelings. And if you're wondering, if I'll ever abandon you.
The answer will always be "No" because I tried... I tried to forget about you and live my life with a fresh start but you're just too hard to forget. You have let a mark in my heart that can't be erased. You have two options as of now "remain as a scar and one of the things I'm traumatized about," or "come back and let me back in where I truly belong". You know you miss me, you know you love me 'cause if you really didn't you wouldn't have said all those 'I love yous', and I know you are not the type of person who says those 3 words just for fun.

You have a hard time, trying to express how you feel and I have been the most patient with you more than anyone else. I tried to stay mad at you, I tried to not look at you 'cause it rips my heart more, I tried my best to not talk to you nor remember you, but why... why do I remember you in my house? Why do I remember you lying on top of my bed? Why do I smile when I remember you? What have you really done to me that I can't even forget about you.

I want to run away from all this drama and I did, so when I came back. You still have the biggest part in my heart, the trip never fixed this feeling inside my heart, it just reminded me the things I loved about you. The cottage we stayed in, reminded me of you 'cause of the color of the cottage is royal blue, the pool reminded me of you for we once had so much fun in a pool before, the wind.. the same old wind that has always been there, the same old wind that has witnessed everything we've been through, the laughter, the happiness, the tension, the awkwardness, the love, the attention, the not so many number of times you said you love me, the pain you've been through, the pain I've been through.

At least, we still have something in common. The wind, the wind has always been there and it always will. Maybe that's our symbol combined with a dreamcatcher. You are loved, not only by your family, but by your true friends. Have I ever pushed you to do something you didn't want? I may have pulled some pranks on you, but does that count as pushing you to something that you didn't want to do? No because after all the pranks I have ever pulled, I have payed more than what I did, the playful hits, the "I'm blocking you on messenger pag-uwi ko", the times when you wouldn't talk to me because of what I did.

Looking back to those moments we had, has opened my eyes that we really have something special which is now currently going to ruins. It hurts to wake up and realize that you're the only one keeping the stone from falling on the beautiful village of our memories.

Today, I woke up missing you. How come you have this certain effect on me. It hurts, it burns, it scares the hell out of me. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe.. what if I'm sick, would you be there to care for me? Would you stay in the hospital to take care of me until I wake up? Maybe that would still remain a mystery to me. A blossoming love that once has swept me off my feet, and has now chained me to the depths of what we once and almost had. A love that has never been told. A love that has kept me on chains until now, the trauma of the past that has scarred me so deep that I am still bleeding on the same spot that you left. Our love that is purer than gold, it can have multiple different physical features but it would still remain the same quantity and quality.

I don't care if I'm starting look pathetic for always texting you, even if you don't reply and just leave me on seen. I don't care if I look desperate for running after you while you're running away. You know deep inside, that our spark still remains the same. And I won't let this be the end of our story, I promise you that.