After Everything

Chapter Eleven: Cassie and Jordan

Cassie and Jordan got along exceedingly well as they were very compatible.

They both lived separate lives from each other but were able to create their own life together. They had different personalities, different hobbies, different friends aside from the mutual ones - but that seemed to work in their favor. They enjoyed it that way as they both were not the clingy type. They couldn't imagine their relationship being any different.

Different was good for them.

Being together was good for them.

But there were a lot of things Jordan didn't know. A lot of things Cassie was even too afraid to admit to herself.

There were days were Cassie felt on top of the world. She was happy, full of life, and ready to do anything she set her mind to. She was in love with everything. Her family. Her boyfriend. Her life. Her sport.

But there were also days where she didn't feel herself. The things that usually made her happy only made her sad. She felt insecure, unlovable, anxious, and fearful. She felt like she didn't know what her place was in this world.

The truth was, Cassie was suffering from PTSD and commitment issues because of her last relationship. She felt too scared to open up to Jordan and communicate with him about things that normal couples could easily be able to discuss. She feared telling him things he didn't already know about her - like what made her happy and sad and what she aspired for in life.

It didn't help that she was no longer prescribed to anxiety medication. After months with no anxiety attacks or getting anxious about the most normal things, her doctor said it was safe to stop taking the medication. But what her doctor didn't know was that she was now experiencing her anxiety at full force, worse than it had ever been before, and it was affecting her life and her relationship.

She wanted to tell Jordan everything about herself. She wanted to tell him what she was anxious about - taking the SAT and ACT, college applications, getting accepted into a good college, keeping up her soccer skills to play for division one, the Alivia and Giovanni situation, and how she was scared to let him in and tell him things he should already know. But she couldn't.

She loved Jordan. He already knew that. She was just hurt so badly in the past that it was hard to trust, open up, and act like everything was okay. It was a new relationship. A new person. Jordan was nothing like Luke but her fears made her scared about the possibilities. She felt like she was putting up a wall around her so he wouldn't be able to see more of her. She hated herself for that but she couldn't control her emotions.

And she knew Jordan loved her back. He told her that, but he didn't have to for her to know. She saw his love through his actions. He truly cared for her. He would die if he saw her get hurt again. All he wanted was for her to be safe. He was protective in the way Luke wasn't - he didn't make her feel suffocated, allowed her to talk to other guys, and have the freedom she so desired, but he still made her feel safe and loved.

On Cassie's bad days - the days where she didn't feel happy - she cried herself to sleep. She cried about everything. About her anxiety, about her life, about her relationships with everyone she knew... but she mostly cried about not feeling good enough for Jordan. It wasn't about her looks or body - she knew she was pretty and had an attractive figure. It wasn't about her personality - she knew she was carefree, funny, and had her feisty Latina side. She didn't think she was good enough because she couldn't be the girlfriend she thought he needed.

Her heart ached when she thought about this. It constantly ran through her head. The thought consumed her. She thought Jordan made a mistake in falling for her because she was nothing like what she knew he should have. She was still a mess - didn't have her life planned out and was disorganized and scatterbrained.