I am Gay - #IAMSERIES

CHAPTER 18: She's Conundrum

# CHAPTER 18

In the words, "I am afraid I'll end up believing in him", which is her father who kept on saying you have someone else new. That you, who she loves more than her life had found another worth to live with. And you find the courage to end up the relationship you once had. She wanted to end everything because she knows that fighting a losing battle isn't worth it anymore.

She wanted to tell you that she's thankful for the memories. She remembers every moment you've shared. Not just the good ones but the bad ones you've endured but she's sorry for giving up this time. She's thankful for the stories, the funny ones even the sad ones for they're something she will bring for the rest of her life. She wants you to know that she won't forget the times you've stood by her side especially the time when you chose her over your other father because you know in that time, you're all that she had.

She wanted to tell you to be strong. Because in life, people come and go. And she wants you to realize that people, even those you thought would stay, would leave you at one point and during that time, all that you have is yourself. She learned that lesson the hard way, so she knows how to be happy on her own. She wants you to be happy even when she left and maybe, if not now, someday you'll understand her for leaving. It's something she didn't want to do but needed to.

She wanted to tell you to love yourself more for in this journey, that's all she's ever wanted. She wants you to know that the love we accept is the love we think we deserve just like Stephen Chbosky said. And in life, there are a lot more people who will love you for who you are, so never settle for less. She wants you to know that loving yourself more is realizing you can be happy without them. That absolute happiness can only be attained when you start knowing that self fulfillment can only be achieved when you love yourself above everyone else for your happiness doesn't depend to others anymore.

She wanted to tell you she loved you. Every bit of you, not just your positive side but your quirks as well. She wanted you to know she won't forget your hiccups when you laugh, or your small height, or your "pinch-the-cheek" post, or your pale skin and everything else she always sees each day with you. She wanted you to know that those were really the things she'll miss and can never find in anyone else like you.

She wanted to tell you she tried. She wants you to remember every time you fell down and she picked you up, not for you to regret losing her for it wasn't your fault, but for you to know she's been your girl. She remembers as well the nights she spent in your home, and the way she cried when you cried, and the laughs you both shared, and the fights she fought with you, and the people she stood up against so she could stand by your side. She wants you to remember all of it for they are the only memories she can leave you. For they are the only memories that can prove how once, in your life she wasn't just anyone, but she was someone, not just a friend but a girlfriend, not just a girlfriend but a family.

She wanted to tell you the reason why she gave up. She wanted to say sorry, first and foremost, for choosing the worst time of all. But she wanted you to know that like a ticking time bomb, she didn't know she'd explode. But she doesn't want you to feel that she's the kind of girl who made herself a choice between your relationship or your happiness for she knows she'll never win. Rather, she wants you to know that she's a girlfriend who knows what you really need and she knows it's her. She wants to say sorry for she's truly hurt her and the only thing that can fix her is to kill herself. She wants you to know she feels neglected by her family because she wants you more than anything else but she can't have you and it's something she doesn't want to feel anymore. She knows she deserves more than that and she knows you deserve the same. She wants you to know that she endured for a really long time the pain, the bruises she receive from her father. She wants you to know it's so painful for her to pick up all your broken pieces and fix you only to be with someone else now when you're fine again. She wanted you to know she isn't so cruel for she left knowing somebody else is there for you again, just that this time, it won't be her anymore. She's trully sorry for being selfish and she gave you up.