Running From Them, Running To You

III-Running From Them, Running To You

            She did, I realized as she quickly dropped down onto her bed.  Lucky duck.  I thought about doing the same, but Courtney gave me a glare, already guessing my intentions.  “You’re not staying?”  Her voice dropped to a whisper.  “But I thought . . . Just last night . . . I thought . . .”  She stopped babbling and gazed at me with large eyes.

            No, I ordered.  You’re not giving in.  But oh god, she looked hurt.  I felt bad, glancing at her upset face.  After all, she had followed me last night.  And helped me when I broke down yesterday.  And wanted to get me prepared for school.  Was it really fair to her to leave?  I mentally smacked myself.  Since when has anything I’ve done been fair to anyone?

            “Auden, please?  Just, just try it.  Please?  For everyone?”

            You think after leaving my own family I can’t leave another?  I’m pretty sure I’d be doing everyone a favor by leaving.  Why should I try it when we both know I’m going to leave anyways?  Wouldn’t it just hurt more?  So many responses hovered on the tip of my tongue.  However, I’m not sure who was more surprised by what I said next,

            “Before you get started, let me tell you that there is no way in hell I’m showing up at school in all black.”

            Courtney sprang up, and I couldn’t help but laugh when she shouted “Yes!”, complete with an enthusiastic fist pump.

            “This is going to be fun,” she told me earnestly, and for a second, I couldn’t help but believe her.  Then she pointed out the door.  “Now chop, chop, get in the shower.  We don’t have all day here!”

What am I doing here?  I asked my reflection.  Drops of water rolled off my shoulders and down my arms until they splashed onto the floor.  In the mirror, my wet hair appeared darker than normal, pin-straight in its saturated state, lacking its typical wave.  The warm shower had brought back some color to my cheeks, and my skin lightly glowed under the florescent lights.  My reflection surprised me; I couldn’t remember the last time I’d looked in a mirror.  Despite the renewal of my skin, I looked older than I recalled, more serious.  Maybe a break would do me some good.  For once, someone else could worry about me.  Had I seen this reflection a year ago, I would have said that this girl was in need of some serious fun.

            Fun, I mused.  It sounded too good to be true.  I was the last person who deserved it.  That snapped me back to reality.  How could I have fun, knowing what I did?  I pictured my family in the back of my mind, slowly withering away.  I couldn’t.  I shouldn’t.  It wasn’t right.

            But still . . .

            My conscience was tearing at the seam.  I’d faced the two sides so many times the last few months, I knew exactly what side each took.  On one hand, I had my free, teenage, happy-go-lucky personality wanting to let go of responsibility and think about myself.  The other side wanted to wipe fun from my life after what I’d done.  Told me I didn’t deserve such luxuries after my betrayal.  It buried me in guilt from my past.  That side had led me since I’d left home six months ago.  But maybe, just maybe, it was time for a change.  I felt myself caving, and before I could get a grip on my emotions, I was grinning a huge Cheshire cat grin into the mirror.  I had a new challenge.  It was time to let my walls down, time to recuperate.  Time for fun.

            I wasn’t going to be here for long, I knew that.  But why not enjoy it while it lasted?  Do something different for a change?

            “I’ll try it,” I told my reflection.  “You’ll see, I’ll try.”

            Suddenly someone was banging on the door.  “Are you done in there or what?”  Courtney yelled.  “I’ve got an hour to do you up and I’ll be damned if you take any more time out of it than you already have!”