Rising Uncertainty

It Isn't Wrong

"Miles! Wait- I need to talk to you!" Phoenix ran to Miles' car and poked his head through the open window before he could drive away.

"We spoke yesterday, Wright. You have everything you need-"

"I'm not talking about the case." Phoenix saw Miles tense up. He knew Miles knew what he wanted to talk about.

"I... Get in the car." Miles unlocked the door and Phoenix did as he was told. The windows slowly rolled up and Miles turned off the car. He turned to face the other man before looking away, unable to look him in the eye. "I'm getting it fixed."

Phoenix furrowed his brows. "What?"

"I said I'm getting it fixed. I... I've known since I was a child how wrong it-"

"Miles, there is nothing wrong with being gay. How could you even say that?" Phoenix felt anger rise in his chest. It immediately died down when he saw the pained look on Miles' face.

"Phoenix... I-It's been engraved into my mind. I thought I was over thinking it was a problem until... until I came out to you. I thought I had finally accepted myself... Your silence spoke volumes." Miles rested his forehead in between his hands on the steering wheel. "Your silence told me that Mr. von Karma and the many others who I had grown up around were right..."

"Miles, I didn't mean that. I swear. I just hadn't been expecting you to come out. I-I thought that maybe you had a thing for someone in the office and that's why you and Mr. O'weigh didn't get along because he liked her too-"

Phoenix was cut off with a sad sounding laugh.

"But instead you found something else out. You should have seen the look on your face..." Miles closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. "Franziska told Mr. von Karma that I liked other boys when I was twelve. She hadn't meant to and even if she did, she didn't know it would be something so wrong."

"But it isn't wrong." Phoenix said desperately.

"After that," he ignored Phoenix. "If I so much as mentioned another boy and smiled in the same sentenced I would be dragged away and yelled at for what felt like hours. He told me to fix it... To try and get over my illness before he got involved. I decided to avoid relationships all together after that and focus even more on my school work. If I ignored the problem, it would go away."

Miles shook his head and sighed, opening his eyes to look at Phoenix. "When I was sixteen, I was having trouble suppressing these feelings... A boy named Michael had caught my eye and it seemed that I had caught his as well. He flirted with me constantly and eventually I began to flirt back, thinking it harmless. If von Karma didn't find out, everything would be fine. Valentine's Day rolled around and I was supposed to pick Franziska up from school. I picked her up and we dropped our things off at the house. I had promised her we'd be back before Mr. von Karma returned so she could hide some things from him... I... I broke my promise. We had gone to talk to Michael since Fran liked him as well. She thought she could tease me about finally having a friend so she wanted to be around every time we hung out. We spoke with him for a while and soon realized we had to leave... I tried to excuse us before Michael grabbed me by the waist and kissed me... I had never kissed anyone before that... I-I kissed him back and when we pulled apart, I had some how ended up against the brick wall. I realized that Fran was there and that we were running late, so I finally left. When we returned, von Karma was pissed beyond belief. He had found what Fran was trying to hide and, in an attempt to throw him off of her, she told him what had happened. Later that night he accused me of spreading my sickness to his daughter and... and he hit me. He did this while accusing me of lying to him. He said that I had claimed to have gotten over it... to have fixed it... Phoenix, I-I just wanted to be normal."

Phoenix watched Miles for a few seconds before placing a hand on his back.

"Miles, there's nothing wrong with you for being gay. You liking men does not equate to you being sick." Phoenix said quietly. "I'm sorry that I made you feel that it did... and I'm sorry that von Karma did as well... truth is, I'm bi. I like both men and women."

Miles lifted his head and looked at Phoenix. He seemed hesitant to say something but eventually decided to say it.

"Some how, I don't find that hard to believe." Miles said as an attempt at a joke. "I've caught you staring at Payne in court."

Phoenix snorted loudly and laughed.

"Only because of how ridiculously bad he is at his job! I don't find him attractive- I don't think anyone does!" Phoenix claimed.

"Of course they don't. He claims to have a girlfriend from another country, but we all know she's not real." Miles said with an amused look. They laughed together for a little bit before they quieted down again. Phoenix looked at Miles before asking a question that had crept into the back of his mind.

"Miles, have you been in a relationship since Michael?" He asked. He didn't know if this was nosey or even his place. He saw Miles' face drop again and immediately felt bad.

"I... I've made myself pursue relationships with women since then. I haven't done that in years." He admitted. "And when I told myself I was okay with myself being gay, I didn't really seek out relationships with anyone. I didn't feel a need to... I told myself that anyways. In reality, I still believed that there was something wrong with me. I didn't allow myself to think about relationships with other men. When I did, I brushed it off as quickly as possible... I... I've never believed there was something wrong with other people if they were gay. I just believed that I shouldn't be because I needed to be who Mr. von Karma wanted me to be... It shouldn't still effect me, but it does."

"Miles, you can beat this. I believe in you." Phoenix said gently. Miles inhaled deeply and smiled tiredly.

"Hmph... There's always a first step in self acceptance..." he leaned back in his seat and let go of the wheel as Phoenix smiled warmly at him.

"Exactly! And I'll be here to help you if you need it!" Phoenix said. He then chuckled and tilted his head. "Who made you realize you liked guys? I'll tell you who made me realize it if you tell me who made you realize it."

Miles' cheeks went pink and he bit his tongue. "I don't recall."

"We both know that's not true, but I won't pressure you." Phoenix said with a shrug.

Miles chuckled lightly and shook his head before starting his car again.

"Here, let me drive you back to your place. I'd be happy to do it, Phoenix." He offered. Phoenix smiled and agreed, finding this as a small excuse to continue to talk to Miles. He missed these sorts of talks.