Rising Uncertainty

Do You Remember?

Warning: Brief mention of child abuse and of suicidal thoughts

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'Franziska von Karma,

Do you remember when we were children and Mr. von Karma would yell at us for hours about something as little as getting pen ink on the part of the paper we weren't writing on? Or when he would use that cane of his to strike down any importance we thought we had if it had nothing to do with his name? It's all I've been able to think about lately and it's driving me mad. How truly worthless I am. How his words ring true even today. How, despite the scars fading, I can still feel them every single day. Fran, I know you're getting my letters, so if you could just respond-' Miles crumpled the paper in his hand and throws it into the bin. He couldn't bring himself to finish that letter. It had far too many emotions in it. It seemed too whiney to him and he knew it would not be approved by his sister. Hell, he didn't approve of it himself. He hated it. Even though the man was dead, von Karma still managed to control him. The ethics and morals of the von Karma name had been beaten into both of them as children and he doubted they would ever be gone. It had been perfection that Miles once strived for, and now his perfectionist mind set seemed to be a curse. He wanted it to end. He thought he had gotten better after leaving and finding himself, but he had apparently been wrong. He found himself falling back into old habits and found that most of his habits had never changed in the first place.

He still felt the need to be perfect. He still felt the need to push people away. He still felt the need to hide his emotions. He still felt the need to be cold towards others. He still felt the need to be the man von Karma had wanted him to be.

These things weren't things that could easily be changed and to Miles it wasn't worth the effort anymore. He had tried for so long and he was just tired. No one actually cared anyways. So if he continued to feel the need to do these things then who cares? He surely didn't. He was Miles Edgeworth for crying out loud! He didn't need to change these things. They weren't hurting anyone else. That's what he told himself. He didn't seem to realize that he was hurting himself instead.

He'd never forget Phoenix's reaction to when he came back from disappearing. All he had left was a note.
'Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth chooses death.'
It was short and to the point. Miles was never going to admit to Phoenix that his original plan had been to take his own life. Everything had gotten too much for him and he felt as if he were drowning in it all. His self hate and self anger had only gotten worse after the trial. His emotions were out of control and he had no way of fixing it. He didn't think he could change as a person. Phoenix could save him from the court but he couldn't save him from himself.

That had been the idea at first. Then, he felt guilty. Phoenix's efforts would have been for nothing. That's when he chose to leave and find himself again. Not just for Phoenix, but for himself. He could make himself happier. He had made the mistake of deciding to not tell anyone.
Phoenix had been right, he was a coward. He ran from things he didn't understand or didn't want to understand. He ran from people who cared about him. He wanted it to stop. He should have stayed dead.

It hardly mattered now. That was in the past. He's gone abroad since without problem since he was clear that he was leaving to study. And he hadn't left a note proclaiming his own death. He needed to focus on the present, but he just couldn't. His past was once again dragging him down and this time, he decided to let it. He had been fighting it for so long and he was sick of it. It wore him out and he couldn't do it anymore. He was growing tired but seemed to hide it well. The bags under his eyes were easy to conceal and he seemed normal in court. It was just when he was alone in his office or at home when he seemed to take it worst. People he spoke to regularly had noticed a change but were too apprehensive to mention it and anyone else didn't care enough. He could feel himself slipping away.

———

Phoenix couldn't contain his laughter as Maya and Pearl retold a story from their trip. He was just too happy to see them for it to even occur to him that the story wasn't that funny.

"A-And then I fell off of the deck and straight into the ocean!" Maya finished with a bright gleam in her eyes. Pearl was next to her laughing as well, happy to be reliving such a wonderful moment.

"Mr. Nick, you should've been there! It would've been so romantic at the beach!" She looked between him and Maya.

Phoenix coughed awkwardly and took a sip of his drink. He didn't like pointing out to Pearl that he and Maya weren't a couple. She always seemed so disappointed and saddened by it.

"Maybe next time I'll go," he said pretending to be thoughtful about it. This seemed to satisfy Pearl.

Maya smiled widely at him before telling Pearl to hurry up with her food. Her and Nick had been done for a while and she was ready to get back to the office. The faster the work was done the faster they could have that cookie cake.

"Was the pizza good?" Phoenix asked them. He thought it was good but he also just wanted their opinion on it. He wanted to know if they should add this to the list of restaurants they go to.

"It was amazing!" Maya was smiling widely as Pearl nodded in agreement.

"I really liked it Mr. Nick." She was finally finished.

"I did too," he said with a giant smile. "I guess we should be heading back to the office now."

"Oh yeah! Cookie cake!" Maya pumped her fists.

"You just ate a lot of pizza- plus that's for after we're done for the day." Nick chuckled as she pouted. "Now come on, I have a lot of paperwork to do."