After All These Years

02

Chapter 2

Someone

The best way to get over someone is to tell them that you love them.

Trixie's not sure where she first heard the quote, or she read it somewhere from her collection of books or if it's a thought she's had so often she's convinced it's true, but now it feels like she's actually thinking about of doing it.

The love she's carried around for years has become so tangible and familiar it feels like a settled weight on her shoulders, something as grounding as it is burdensome, and it hurts.

And love, Trixie thinks, shouldn't have to hurt. It's supposed to make you grow, be better, at peace and free.

In all the time she's known Carlo, Trixie has gone from hating him to loving him so deeply that Trixie's feelings reside like a gem stored in her heart. She's carried her love like a secret, a murmur that can't be heard.

Years after they first met, Trixie thinks maybe it's time that Carlo knew.

It's a little selfish to burden Carlo with a love Trixie is trying to rid herself of. However, Trixie's so tired she just wanted to let him know then let go. Only because the longer you love someone, the clearer it is they're not going to love you back.

She'd like to start getting over it or at least treating it like something she doesn't have to be so ashamed of. So, on one of their night-outs Trixie pays the bill and only smiles widely when Carlo makes a fuss about letting his friend pay. Then, she asks if Carlo would like to stroll with her along the riverside just like when they were kids.

It's only when they stop by a small footbridge, Carlo nudging Trixie forward so he can take a picture against the setting sun, that Trixie braves her heart.

Carlo knew Trixie likes posing for pictures that's why he volunteered. While looking at the sun as she wishes for it to take these feelings away, she felt like it was the right time to let Carlo know that she loves him.

She faced the love of her life and decides to finally utter the words that she was longing to say all these years.

"I love you," she says.

And Carlo smiles, the corner of his lips twitching because he's endeared he doesn't get it.

"I'm in love with you—"

The phone almost slipped from Carlo's hand, his face confused.

Trixie says,

"I'm sorry. I promise I'm trying to get over you and I just want you to know—"

"I'm seeing someone, "

Trixie's shoulders stiffen, her whole body tensing feeling like her world just stopped Carlo walked away, cutting her words just before she could finish the sentence.

Carlo's chest is heaving like he's already halfway through a fight, and Trixie can only look at him, helpless for what little else to do, confused about how to handle the situation.

"Did you know that?" Carlo asks, so fiercely that Trixie is torn between defensiveness and hurt. "Did you know that I'm—"

"No," Trixie says because it's one thing to have Carlo speak to her like this like she's someone else like they don't know each other, and another thing to have Carlo accuse her of something so unthinkable. "I didn't— I can't believe you'd think that."

Carlo's mouth snaps shut, cheeks red, and brow furrowed. He's always been so terrifyingly beautiful, even in his anger, even before they were friends.

"You really think I'd do that?" Trixie asks quietly. She thought they were in a better place now, one that was built on more trust, but this—

This is—

"No," Carlo sighs, just as quiet, anger draining from him. "No I don't, Trixie, you—"

"I've been in love with you for nearly as long as I've known you." Trixie's voice trembled only slightly, and she can feel her heart racing so fast in her chest it feels like it's going to tear itself away from her, find a place where it won't hurt to be anymore.

She wants to run away as desperately as she knows she needs to stay, because she's trying to be honest with herself and with Carlo, and she doesn't know how to deal with the thought that Carlo now thinks this way about her as someone so cruel.

"I've admired you, respected you, and loved you. I didn't know you were with someone, because you didn't tell me—"

"Trixie—"

"You don't tell me anything."

"That's not true," Carlo says. His eyes are wide, expression bordering on distressed, as if he's only just registered the weight of his own words. "Wait, Trixie—"

"No, please listen to me first," she paused. "I told you because it's been so long and it's starting to hurt." Trixie shakes her head and then bites down on the inside of her cheek.

"It hurts, and I just thought maybe it would be nice if it didn't, anymore. And I thought the best way to make it stop was to tell you. " She added as a sob got caught on her throat.

"I thought that if I won't have the courage to admit it now, I'll always be filled with what-ifs and what could have been's every time I think about you, or have regrets in the future of choosing to never talk about it when I had the chance. Not because I think you'll love me back, or because I want to force you."

"I know that," Carlo says, taking a step forward and then flinching when Trixie takes a step back. "You're not like that, I'm—"

"And not," Trixie interrupts, "because I wanted to sabotage your relationship if that thought bothers you right now. I may love you but I won't destroy the relationship you have. I am not as low as you think I am."

The silence sits heavily between them, and it takes a while for Trixie to gather the strength to meet Carlo's gaze again. She looked up to the face she loves, expressions flickering over his face, and Trixie can identify almost all of it; hurt, fear, and distress, confusion to guilt. She knows them, because she knows Carlo because the only way to love someone truly is to know them and dedicate your life to learning everything about them.

Trixie doesn't know what her own expression says but she doesn't care to conceal it, either. She already confessed so what does she need to worry about? She knows that Carlo would hardly be able to distinguish Trixie's anger or pain because Carlo has never been able to distinguish between Trixie's joy and love. It was only after Trixie found peace with the fact Carlo would never want to know Trixie as deeply as Trixie wanted to know him.

"I'm sorry," Carlo says suddenly, quietly.

"It's okay," she says, though they both know it's not. She knows it's not. "I'm sorry, too."

Trixie apologizes once more, thinking of how her world started to fall that there'll be no point in going back to them now. She chose this, accepting that what happened and what will happen next are the consequences of what she just did.

Trixie expected that this is how it's going to end and that it will hurt but now that it's done, the distance between them feels a lot larger than it had before.