When it happened

Chapter 10

I've been to many funerals and I've seen the wails from women and men. I've watched the day turn from sunny and alive to grey and dead. At those funerals, I never really knew the person all I knew was his or her name. I never got to know how wonderful this person was or how loving and joyous this person was. Or how this person saved animals from a wildfire or something along those lines. Those were one of the things I heard at a funeral.

I just stood in-between my parents holding on to my mother's hand and watched the casket go down. With no care in the world, I never cried I couldn't cry. Why cry for someone I didn't actually know?

But today is different, today the sun shines inappropriately it's supposed to be gloomy like in the movies, but this isn't the movies, but I can't help but want to shake myself from this. I want this to be a movie I want the director to say cut that's all for the day.

That isn't going to happen I know it isn't, but somehow something within me still can't accept it. I want to fight death, and bring back Ava. Finding the murderer won't do me justice.

I slip on my seamless black dress that sits right above my knees. The dress cuts circulation in my arms I pull at the sleeves, but nothing is as tight as my thick cornrows. My big brown eyes are pulled back giving me deep set small eyes. I shove my umbrella in my side bag.

My new flats rub on to my heel bone making it so uncomfortable.
The day only gets brighter and I know I will wilt away.

“Nora,” mom knocks on the door. “You ready, we have to go.” The door creaks open and she steps in wearing the same dress the only difference is the dress shows the shape of her boobs. Unlike mine that makes it seem like I'm twelve all over again.

Curse you small boobs.

“You look beautiful.” I smile at her in the mirror. Her headscarf tries to swallow her face, but it doesn't, it sits around her perfectly showing off her incandescent melanin skin.
“You look beautiful too,” she walks over to me placing her hands on my shoulder.

Her Jasmine scent comforts me I'm glad mom's here with me. I'm glad she's here for all the moments where I know my lungs will fail me and my knees will fall week.

“It's going to be okay.” She wraps her arms around me. I hold on tightly to her arms. She gives me certainty, even though nothing is certain her embrace does that.
“Do you know what you going to say at the funeral?”

“I did write down a few things, but it's all over the place I have so much to say but I don't even know how to put it in order.”

“I'm sure it will be okay,” she unwraps her arms just say what's from your heart.

I turn to face her. “Well, what if it doesn't make sense.”

“If it's from your heart it will make its way to all the other hearts today and they will understand you, it will make sense.”

How is she so confident in me? I've rewritten the speech so many times that the paper has torn through. I've rolled the paper into balls causing more litter in my room than the earth it's self. It still doesn't make sense.

“How's the pills treating you?” She looks over at my pink dressing table? The bottle of pills remain open but truthfully speaking I haven't even taken one pill, since Dr Nkosi and Dr Jamieson have increased my dosage.

“It's okay.” I lie. Why do I have to keep taking those pills it's been a long time since I've had major panic attacks. I feel fine. I don't know why those doctors thought I would get a panic attack from Ava passing. How is that even possible? I understand going back into depression but a whole panic attack come on.