When it happened

Chapter 18

I'm jam-packed with emotions like I have been injected with a full dose of drugs. Therapy has never made me feel this way, but today it's different. Is Dr. Jamison going to be able to tell that I did not take my medication at all?
I have not even attempted to open the box. All I have to do is sit up straight, keep my shoulders relaxed and keep my hands glued to my knees so I do not bite my nails.

The door closes shut and here I am once again in this blue room with the alphabetical books lined up neatly and a new painting of a farmhouse. Just play it cool Nora. "How are you", she plops down to her seat. "I'm okay and you." That's a fucking lie I am dying. There is a storm in my head. She chuckles, "you the only patient that asks that and I'm okay too."

"Anyways", she opens her black notebook and slips out her pen from a tight sleek high bun. "Yeah anyways", trepidation accumulates in my stomach and the storm of thoughts swirl around only causing more chaos. What do I tell her? I do not want to make it seem like I have not been taking my pills. "Nora" she looks directly into my eyes with her glasses sitting on the bridge of her nose. Can she tell?
"yeah", a breath of air that I didn't realize I was holding in escapes my chest.

"Would you like a glass of water? You seem a little stiff" She pushes up her glasses. No "I'm okay just thinking it has been a long week you know" I chuckle.
"Tell me about it."
"My uh mom found out about the whole cheating thing my dad had going on. I know I should have told her but it kind of slipped my mind." Well, that's a weak excuse, but I go on anyways. "It was a whole mess at home I have not seen my dad in days now nor have I heard from him."

"Haven't you tried to reach out?"
"Reach out to him, why? He's the one that broke our family apart so why should I reach out? He needs to explain himself." She scribbles down in her book quickly. What does she even write what could there be to write? Is my body language off?

"But would you want him to reach out" she looks up and picks off the small lint on her black sweater. "I don't know." I shrug my shoulders, "I do not know how to feel about the situation either. I should have told my mom. There was no fixing this situation at all. It was bound to break us apart it was aligned all in the stars I just was not ready for it. I was not ready to go through it because I knew how much pain mom would be in. I know she cries over him it's in her walk, her smile in everything she does. There is this gloomy cloud of sadness that shadows her."

"The same cloud that shadows you?"
That catches me of the guard "I didn't think about it like that", I chuckle and fiddle with my hands. "It's almost a month since Ava's funeral", she states.

Only a month and a lot is already happening. Life really decided to say fuck you and your feelings this world still spinning. "And you're still grieving." Dr. Jamieson goes on
I sigh "does that annoy you?" Dr. Jamieson uncrosses her legs, "I've never seen you roll your eyes before." Her thin red lips smirk.

"Sorry, I don't think I'm still grieving. I think I'm over it and just want to find the murderer. I'm not breaking down crying and beating on walls I'm here. Moving on just like what life wants me to do."

"Nora grief isn't only about crying and beating on walls as you've said", she chuckles which makes me smirk.
"It's a rollercoaster of emotions. It's the denial, the anger, the guilt. It's fooling yourself into thinking you've moved on even when you haven't. It's avoiding what you truly feel and keeping yourself busy with other things to resist the feeling.

"But I have moved on." I bark back."I really have."

"Nora" she looks into my soul with her hazel eyes.
She undresses me emotionally like she always does. Unraveling and revealing my raw feelings. Dr. Jamieson knows me better than I've known myself.
"Maybe I haven't moved on", a lump forms in my throat chaining me back from speaking. "I'm fighting to move on because I don't want to feel the pain." My eyes begin to fill up with an ocean of tears and Dr. Jamieson becomes a blob in my vision.

"I think stressing about mom, school, and trying to figure out who murdered Ava keeps me busy from grieving her. And I like it."
Tears stream down my cheeks and there is this jab in my chest. It weighs me down and I can't run away from it. It's like I'm stuck in quicksand I have not experienced that but I imagine this what it feels like.
My chest clenches and Ava's face appears in my memories that's the only time I will get to see her.

In my memories forever young and this makes the stream of tears flood and soon I'm hyperventilating.
This is pain like John Green said it demands to be felt. It holds you tightly and looks you straight in your eyes telling you that you're going to feel it.

"This sucks so bad" I finally say as Dr. Jamieson hands me a tissue. "How long will I feel this way?"

"To be honest with you Nora there is no time frame to this but what I can say is this. It's a quote from Dhiman he says feel what you need to feel but don't let it consume you. So feel the pain, there is growth in pain."

"But I don't want to grow up without Ava" I whisper.