When it happened

chapter 27

Remembering everything is a curse and a blessing, because it still replays in my mind, but at least the truth is out now. I'm set free but still caged from all of it.

In my last moments I tried to save Ava, but I can't help, but think maybe if I called the cops instead of trying to help Ava they would have helped us. Dr Jamieson has said many times I have to stop thinking like that. I did what I thought was best at that moment. I tried.

Today I visit her grave one last time before I leave Willowridge.
It's been two years since her death and the ghosts of what happened still hunt me.
I'm saying my final goodbyes to everything I know,  moving away from this town is what I need  A fresh new start for college.

“I just wish Ava could be here you know? We finished high school dude”, Ameria says as she closes shut her front door

“Yeah, you can say that again”, I cling on to the marigolds we got for Ava.  ”I'll be in the car with Mazin”, I walk off the porch and enter the car. Mazin occupies himself with music and bops his head occasionally. He wore his black suit just like we told him to. It's not a funeral, but we agreed to wear black like it is.

Ameria hops in her car sighing “I'm not ready for this.”
“I'm not ready too”

We get to the graveyard. As we walk through the tombstones my eyes begin to burn, and memories of that night begin to play too.
Ameria's hand takes mine and she squeezes it. It's as if she knows what's happening in my mind.

Here lies our Beloved Ava Montana Grey with full fierceness she lived now she rests in peace.

Her tombstone reads. I kneel  down to drop the marigolds. Ameria begins to sob. Out of my pocket, I take out a letter I wrote for her.

Dear Ava

I'm sure looking down from above you can see we are okay without you. Jake has a new girlfriend I hope you are not jealous can you feel jealousy in heaven though?
Ameria's self-love club continues to grow.
AJ is okay I hope I haven't heard from him since he moved to god knows where.
Mazin (even though you never knew him ) his off to study law. As weird as it sounds he was inspired by your case.
Watching everything unfold in courts made him want to be a lawyer.
And as for me I got accepted to my dream college. I'm going to go study Marketing at The Accessions.
Your parents have adopted another dog. It's official they are dog parents. 

Even though we are okay without you it doesn't mean my heart doesn't cry for you. I'm glad your story is out for all to read about. I'm glad Bavis never got away with it.
What happened has left me shattered but I know I will heal.
I know one day when I think about what happened that night I'll accept it. I'll give myself grace like Dr Jameison has me repeating to myself. I did what I thought was best at that moment, I tried.

I miss you in every way possible. I still see you in my dreams and my reality. I still smell your vanilla scent. I still re-read our texts. Sometimes I worry I'll forget you. But the grief that haunts  me reminds me I won't. It will maybe hurt less or maybe it won't. I'm still figuring out and feeling the grief. One minute you are okay the next minute you are balling your eyes out.

Grief is another journey on its own, but it's teaching me acceptance. And somehow that brings me peace. I love you, Ava.