The Broken Blossom

Part 37

Chapter 37

12th June Friday.

Shit. Was I looking this bad all day long? My hair is all messed up, eyes looks tired, and huge dark circles underneath. I don't look like me... I look like a ghost of myself.
No wonders the rumors were there. I walk out of the restroom. Outside the school building so that I can get some fresh air. The air inside is kind of suffocating me.
I choose a bench far from the basketball court and start reading. Its almost, almost the end.
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4th June
Maybe it'll be better if I die.
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What the OUCH!
The ball hit me, right on my face. I WAS sitting pretty far away today. Everything goes in a blur. My rage flaring up as I see Jimmy jog and come towards me, to take the ball. I cannot think of anything else, my thoughts are already blurred. I grab him by his collar and
Punch.
Its only when someone pulls me back I realize what I was doing.
I can feel people gathering around and find all whispers and talks. I can hear a voice, Derek's.
"Ashton. Look at me" he says, "look here" pulling my face towards him. I'm panting heavily. He pick up the diary which have fallen by now I guess. He hands me, and as I hold it I find my knuckles bleeding.

"Ash. Just go" Derek pulls out the handle of his car while I'm still panting heavily, sweating and having my knuckles bleed. Derek literally pulled me out of that chaos, I don't know how he managed to but he did. He have bought his car today, which actually belongs to his father, but his father got a new one. Maybe he was planning to go out with Tyler and Celeb and others, today.
"I'll drive you off," he says and I don't have a say in that. I'd be rather thankful if he does. I get in the passenger seat and he gets in to drive. We drive in silence for a few minutes with only one word ringing in my head repeatedly : 'suicide'
Its going like suicide suicide suicide. Jenna. Suicide. Die.
"I'm bringing a coke, you sit here, okay?" Derek questions me and then I realize that the car has come to a hault and he's already walking out of the car. Without waiting for my answer he walks away.
I open up the diary.
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I know it sounds silly.
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It's not silly Jenna, it's scary. My heart pounding at my ears. I don't know if it's the adrenaline rush from the fist fight or this. Maybe both.
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Stupid. I know. As most of the people would say, I don't have a reason to be sad. Let along thinking of self destruction or well suicide. I'm scoring average grades, which is more than enough for most, having clothes, food, a house to be in, what else
What else do I even need?
A family is there.
Do you know having parents too busy, even to say you a good bye, going away every freakin day. And you just miss the way I used to. To not have friends?
To spend all the freakin time alone.
You know it's all okay but when the monsters inside my head just fit in and yells at me every time I do something. Twisting the pair of daggers inside me. My inside all black and blue. Its the monsters at the back of my head accompanying me all the time.
Its okay I guess.
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No. No. No.
Jenna. Just no.
You're just not okay. Its not okay now.
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I've tried that once.
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What the hell's this. Jenna. Please.
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Of course I am a failure in that too.
But now it doesn't seems as if I can take it more. I might not be broken all at one fall but continuously falling again and again. I'll surely need to.
There's no one solid reason for all of this, it's a mess of many. Many infinities jumbling on together, creating that black hole. This darkness.
I don't think I'll ever be able to point out my reasons, none will get them, it just fits perfectly in my head, making sense.
So well. I'm planning to win.

I really want to see Ashton right now.
3rd round of edits.