Pretty Boy [bxb] | ✔️

• Chapter fifty-eight: Leave

Leave

Alex comes home, to my home, seething. Fists tightening and un-tightening, teeth gritting together, jaw clenched, pacing back and forth, running his hands harshly through his hair, flushed face, steam practically billowing out of his ears seething.

His fists clench in a way that I know he's trying to refrain himself from punching something. Pacing back and forth as an attempt to distract himself from that: something else to do, something else to focus on. From behind, I gently take his fist in my hand and softly kiss his shoulder.

"I need to punch or throw or—or break something," he says. I can hear his stress in his voice. The heartbreak. Sorrow. Something that tells me that it didn't go well with his dad, too. I didn't expect it to. Why would it go well? How would it even go well?

"Is there a way to help how you feel?" I ask, keeping my voice calm through the anxiety that's trying to make an entrance.

"Usually, I would smoke weed, but I can't—I can't do that anymore. I can't—I don't want to do that anymore," he mumbles. I can feel his hands shaking. So much anger resides behind his relationship with his father and I don't know if he needs to let the anger out physically somehow or just talk. Let it simmer away. But does that mean it would easily come back? I'm not an angry person, I don't know how this works.

"Do you need some space?" I question.

"No," he responds, head shaking, right as he starts crying. "Don't leave me. Don't go anywhere."

"I won't," I tell him as I pull him towards my bed and make him sit on the end of it. "Do you think talking will help? What can I do?"

"I'm so scared and lonely," he begins. He's said this many times before, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't break each time I hear it. "I know I'm a terrible person so I deserve this—this life. But it hurts so much. I wish I had nice parents, I wish I didn't have terrible parents. I hate them so much."

Generally, I would say something like 'you don't hate them, you're just angry at them right now, which feels like hate. You love them really', but, in this sort of scenario, I think the hate is real. Definitely towards his dad. It's allowed. I don't say anything, letting him continue.

"Mom said she left without telling me anything because she wanted to separate herself from me as well as escape dad. She never showed it externally, but she never accepted me, she told me that. I thought she was OK with it, but she wasn't, and it felt like she ripped my heart out my chest when she told me how she really felt. She didn't want to stay with me because she didn't want to be around sin and so she prayed that my homosexual tendencies would go away. I told her that I can't change who I am and that I don't want to see her again. She begged me to stay, which—which doesn't make sense. She can't say those things, that she hates who I am and that it disgusts her, and then say she loves me and that she doesn't want me to go, what does she expect? I can't deal with the confusion. I just want the mom who truly loved me back, and now I don't have that anymore and I never will. My sexuality was the thing that I hated myself for most for—for so long and I can't surround myself with her hate but I just want my old mom back. It's not fair. I want a family for once in my goddamn life."