I FELL INLOVE WITH MY KUYA-KUYAHAN

Chapter #30

Izumi's POV

"R-Ruslan?"I trailed off again.

Baka namamalikmata lang ako. Baka naman hindi siya yun. Baka isa lang sa mga tagabantay. Baka si Kazimir iyon at niloloko lang ako.

Or I just miss him.

No, I don't 'miss' him.

"Izumi."through his voice I know who it is. Of course, I know him. Every part of him. I memorized his everything.His physical features.Things that He liked. I know 'almost' everything about him.Yes,almost,because I can't tell if he's telling the truth or not. I'm afraid to know.

Tumayo ako at naglakad palabas ng HQ. Nasa pinto ako nang humarang siya. Sinubukan kong dumaan sa gilid pero hinarang niya ulit ako

"Excuse me. I have to go."sabi ko na nakayuko.

"Can I talk to you please?" No. Not now. It still hurts. 'Wag muna ngayon. I'm still....confused.

"Excuse me, I have to go. I have things to consider and prioritize. If you wanted to talk to me.."I paused.

"What? What am I going to do to talk to you? See you? Huh? Lose my position for two years? Look for you every where? Almost died because of a fucking car accident?"napatanga ako at tinitigan si Ruslan. What the hell is he talking about?

"Just..excuse me."I said. Sinusubukan ko siyang lampasan pero hinaharangan niya ako.

"Could you please move?"tumigil ako at umayos ng tayo kahit na nakayuko ako para hindi niya makita ang ekspresyon ng mukha ko na nasasaktan. Masakit kasi bakit kailangan pa niyang magpakita sa harapan ko. Ayoko na. Masiyado ng masakit. Sumisikip ang dibdib ko. Parang sasabog ang utak ko sa sakit,inis at lungkot.

"Izumi. Please? Just this once, Listen to me. Please, Izumi?"hinawakan niya ang braso ko na ikinatigil ko.

"Ruslan! Ano ba?!"sabi ko at marahas kong iwinaksi ang kamay niya na nakahawak sa braso ko at tinignan siya sa mata. And there I saw, sadness, and longing. Mga luha na nagbabadyang tumulo.
Napansin ko na nagulat siya sa ginawa niya.

No,hindi ako pwedeng magpatinag dito.Sinaktan niya ako,remember. I heard it,trabaho lang ako. Ang lahat ng sinabi at ginawa niya ay para lang sa 'trabaho' na meron siya.

"S-Sorry,Izumi."sabi nito at nakita ko ang pagtulo ng luha niya. Hindi dapat ako maniwala sa mga luha niya. Kailangan kong umiwas at maging matatag. Hindi ko pinangarap na mahalin dahil kailangan. I wanted to be accepted and loved because I deserved it.
Pero bakit ganun?

Bakit nasasaktan ako? I am hurting because he's hurting. Bakit niya 'to ginagawa sakin? At bakit siya nandito? Isn't he supposed to be with Lilian?!

"Why are you even here?"sinubukan kong patapangin ang boses ko. Sinubukang walang kahit na anong bahid ng emosyon ang makikita niya sa akin. Ayokong makitaan niya ako ng kahinaan. Dahil siya ang kahinaan ko.

"I-I wanted to talk to you."sabi nito.

"Talk about what,Ruslan? You being with Lilian? Me, believing that you're here,waiting? Stop that shit,Ruslan cause I'm not buying it."sabi ko at pinipigilan ang mga luha na pumatak sa mga mata ko.

It hurts but I have to do this for myself. I am happy that he's not around for the past years that i've been through. I survived years without him,so I could survive again. Am I?

"Kung ano ang nakikita mo na pilit kang pinapaniwala ng mata mo. Pilit na pinapaniwala sa'yo ang mga bagay na wala namang kasiguraduhan.Sana alamin mo muna. Don't be tricked by the clowns in a circus."

Should I ask him,Why? Should I ask him if he really waited for me? Should I ask him if it's true?—that I am just a job that has to be finished? Should I tell him that my feelings for him never changes,but he is with Lilian now. Maybe he is now happy with her. But I wanted to ask questions. I wanted to ask if he waited for me in those years.

No. He didn't wait for me. He was with Lilian.

"Please,Izumi. Just this once. Listen to me."What should I say? What should I do? Listen to him? Listen to his lies? Listen to his sugarcoated words?

"Don't. Don't let your heart be numb because your heart wasn't that used to be. You're a soft and caring Izumi we know."

Am I turning into one? Am I being heartless now? does being numb will make me a heartless person?Am I? Nagiba na ba talaga ako?

A lone tear fell down to my cheeks. I can't. I'm not numb.I'm not heartless. I'm Izumi. The bubbly,cheerful,soft,caring and loving Izumi. Did I changed that much?

"I-Izumi?I-I'm sorry."he said.

Mas lalo lang akong naiyak. Did I just lose myself? Did hatred changed me? Changed my perception in everything? Ganun ba ako kahina para magpalamon sa galit? Am I changing? Hindi naba ako katulad ng dati? Hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Ako pa ba ito o ibang tao na? Nagbabago ang isang tao dahil sa galit at poot. Nagbago na nga ako.

I can't take it. Ayoko. Ayokong magbago dahil sa galit. I am not like this. I know myself. Hindi na ako 'to.

"Don't let her words made you lose your faith,trust and love to him. So please, listen to him."

I...trust...him.. but I got hurt. I saw it that's why it hurts a million times than hearing it.

"Listen to him."

Should I? Should I take Kazimir's advices?

Huminga ako ng malalim at tinuyo ang luha ko bago ko siya hinarap.

"Explain,then."sabi ko at pinipigilan ang emosyon na gusto ng kumawala sa mga mata ko.

"Izumi, I know that I hurted your feelings but I wanted you to know that I love you and only you. So please,open you mind and listen to me."he said and guided me to sit down back again in the sofa.

I love you and only you.