Far Beyond Broken

January 23, 1987. Friday

I stumbled through the kitchen. I flung the fridge door open and grabbed the Crown. I slowly made my way back to my room, grabbing the hallway walls for support.
I fell onto the bed and spilled some drink on the mattress.
"What the hell is your problem!?" Mad was whisper yelling.
"Having a drink," I sloppily pushed the bottle outwards. "Want some?"
She grabbed it from me, "Seriously Katie, what's your problem? You should be asleep right now, not drinking. Its four A.M"
"I do sleep."
"I don't know how," she muttered.
She began to pick up the blankets and other objects scattered on the floor.
She pulled up a blanket that had lots of empty beer cans and bottles underneath.
"Is this all from today!?"
I let out a laugh.
"This isn't funny Katie! Answer me."
"I started it yesterday afternoon."
She scoffed, "No one wonder you sleep the day away. Are you drinking this much every day?"
I didn't answer.
"I'll take that as a yes. Why are you doing this K? You're gonna kill yourself."
"Everything fucking sucks Mad. Terribly."
She sat down next to me.
"I'm confused."
I sighed, "How do you not see it? So many things are going wrong Maddie."
The look in her eyes looked painful. She was confused.
"We haven't written any music."
"What do you mean? We have half an album written."
"We have it. But ninety-five percent of it sucks ass. Vic stays sulking in her room most of the time. She plays well, but it's not the same. You're clueless to everything and just as happy as ever. And I'm fucking stressing over this band! I don't want to lose this."
Still, she had nothing to say.
"Last year we had our prime. New songs out of the ass. People coming to see us play. Now we're in a ditch. I don't know how to get out."
Tears fell on my cheeks.
Mad pulled me into her chest.
"We'll be okay Katie. I promise." She whispered to me as she rubbed my head.
"Just go to bed. We'll talk l-later." Her voice was breaking up. She was about to cry.
I woke up at twelve. I had a hard time getting over the piles of blankets on the floor. Vic and Mad were sitting in the living room.
I opened the mirror compartment in the bathroom and took a few ibuprofens.
I turned to go back to my room.
"K, come in here for a minute," Mad said.
"I just woke. I really don't feel like talking."
"Please," Vic rarely got in our discussions. This was serious.
I took a seat in the torn-up recliner.
"Do you remember last night?"
I nodded yes.
"You meant what you said?" Mad asked.
"Yes."
"What do you want to do K? Scrap the album?" Vic wondered.
"Do either of you like it? Be completely honest."
They exchanged a look but didn't respond.
"That's what I thought."
"Jerry will be pissed with us. We're already so close to being done," Mad stated.
"Then we'll release a shitty album. I don't know what you want me to say."
"Is there really a problem with my drumming?" Vic's voice was small.
I sometimes forgot she was younger than us. She was just a kid when we met.
"You play what we've written perfectly. Sometimes you come up with great stuff. But there's something holding you back. You're always tense Vic. A few years ago you blew people away with your skills. Now you're just good."
She laughed, "You're gonna complain about me when you and Mad can't even remember notes and shit to songs we've played hundreds of times."
"Vic, pl-"
She cut Mad off.
"No, I don't need this bullshit!"
"This is part of the bullshit Vic! We can't have a simple conversation with you because you'll blow up on us. Each of us is part of the problem. You need to get over Jessie and move on with your life dammit! She's holding you back, you haven't even seen her in a year!"
They were both shocked.
"You have no idea what its like. Do you think I want to stay locked up in that room all day? I don't. I just can't stand to be out, every single small thing reminds me of her. You don't know what it's like for the only thing you have to be ripped from you."
Tears were filling up in her eyes.
"You have us, Vic. You did then, still do now."
She chuckled, "Both of you can go out and get any piece of ass you want! I have to fucking hide. I can't be with anyone who makes me happy. You don't fucking get it!"
Vic had never yelled at me like that. To be perfectly honest, I probably deserved it.
She grabbed a set of keys and slammed the front door shut. The whole flat shook.
"Holy shit," Mad whispered.
"Where's the Crown?"