Consequences Of The Heart.

Chapter 23: Raining Stags and Dogs.

It was an overly drab day. The skies could be described easily and with the simplest of words: depressed. The grey consumed the sunlight that was released meaning it was pure darkness. Practice ended almost half an hour before but there I was found, sat in the high stands overlooking the Quidditch pitch while everyone else sat, waiting for me in the Great Hall. Their worry would have faded by now as their attentions turned to the delicious feasts, each others' company or school work. Their co-dependant ecosystem survived just fine without me, to put it lightly, I was unnecessary. I could hear the virtual voices of my friends inside my head disagreeing with every thought but my mind was made up.

First, I lost my best friend. He probably meant more to me than I could comprehend at the time. I would help him with homework, or with his various sexual endeavours. He gave me purpose, like I could find no where else. He helped give my life meaning -though I hate to admit it- more so than any of my other friends. They were great, but they didn't quite understand me like he did. Remus and Lily had each other and Peter just usually kept to himself but Sirius was mine. A lot of people would rather have loads of friends, but I know from experience that having one perfect, best friend that doesn't feel the same way about you was probably the worst fate anyone could endure, because it doesn't hurt physically but rather it ate you up with internal humiliation and embarrassment from the insides. But with him gone, I had no best friend. And so I had no purpose.

Then, I lost the last five years with Remus. Though most wouldn't understand why it meant so much to me that I missed most of Remus' first, it really did. Friendship was born out of a companionship family couldn't fulfil: the family you chose. But I didn't chose them, fate brought them to me all those years ago. And then fate decided it was time for a little karma and made he miss something that was directly in front of me for six years. It hurt that I didn't know half of the amazing person he was and I felt guilty that I ever gave off a vibe that he couldn't be himself with us.

And lastly, I lost something I never had. Lily. I always made it blatantly obvious that I am deeply in love with her everything. Her personality: the way she stifled a laugh at her own jokes at a risk of no one else laughing, the way she pouted her lips into a circular crease when she wanted to be sarcastically angry, the way her eyes rolled to the back of her head when she ate a bite of warm food on a particularly cold or snowy day. Just everything. When would she realise her breathtaking looks were just a simple bonus to what already made me love her with all my being. But she always disregarded my affection and mistook me for a horny teenager with excessive hormonal glands.

The warm prick of the pre-winter rains tickled the back of my neck. I hadn't even noticed the downpour because I was so obsessed with my thoughts, but it was a welcome addition to aid in my brooding. As I scanned the pitch for what aspect of myself to feel sorry for, I noticed something. Or rather someone as they ascended to where I sat.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, just loud enough for him to hear my raspy tone through the storm.

"Remus sent me. I'm here to talk." I waited for him to seat himself beside me, producing an umbrella in the process. Whatever he had to say, I would listen. As much as I was going through, for him to stray like that, he must have been going through something worse. "Remus also told me that talking to you would help me get past the first stage of what I'm going through: denial and as usual, he's right." He was fiddling with his fingertips so I took his wand from his grasp.

"I'm listening."

"Something happened. That night with Amelia. Something happened and it made me question everything I knew that was good and right." I braced myself for whatever this big news was, and no matter what -unless it was like way out of control- I would support him. "I'll just start from the beginning. As of that night, I was a virgin."

"WHAT!" He looked at me with a sheepish smile. He had revealed himself somewhere through fifth year with some Slytherin chick, or so I thought.

"Yeah, all the girls I dated, we just made out and then I avoided them. None went anywhere, which in hindsight, in glad about cause those fetishes were fully real." I stared at him, bewildered. I didn't know how to react but something tells me that wasn't his big news, so I didn't move any more yet. "But back to that night, we were in the Astronomy Tower as you know, and I was um, having trouble." I don't know where this is going but if he's about to describe his first time, I would have a scar the shape of Amelia's boobs engraved into my brain and I did not want that. "So anyway, we were making out and nothing seemed to be working, until." Until what? Did he fall in love with someone on the grounds at first sight? Was it Lily? That would explain a lot. "Until I looked here. Frank and some of the guys were playing some Muggle sport and they were all sweaty and stuff."

"I'm sorry, I don't follow." I was confused, what does Frank have to do with him having sex?

"Just listen. I ran out after that so we didn't actually do anything because I was too conflicted and I basically spent the next two something weeks just thinking about that instant. So, I went back to her. I thought maybe she would make me forget, hence why I'm not a virgin now and then she stopped me seeing you guys which kind of worked out because I couldn't face you all then, but all of those experiences with her just made me even more sure of what I feared that night on the Astronomy Tower and I have been dreading this moment when I finally accepted it and said it out loud to myself, or in this case, myself and my other half." He spoke, constantly being out of breath.

"And what's that?" I had suspicions in the basic sense, but I hadn't a clue about what could be so daunting that he can't tell his best friend.

"James, I think I'm gay."

Word Count:- 1152

Love, Kale.