" What do you mean, doctor?" I asked.
My heart dropping, putting piece to piece together.
" Yes, Jahangir Ali Khan-" tension was coiling around my pulse.
" your wife has a mental condition in which she wants to attempt chances of suicide more than...
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I wanted to say something:
" I am sorry," or perhaps " fuck you." I wanted to say, " I let you in and you abused that position of trust." But no no no. I wanted to say, " kiss me please please, we can forget everything."
Or maybe, maybe I just wanted to say, " I forgive you. You're not sorry but I still forgive you."
Saboohi
I cursed the day Rubi abandoned me. I cursed the day I was kept isolated from everyone. I cursed the day, when I was kept hidden from the world. I cursed the day when everyone was out enjoying love and I was being kept away. I was in therapy. I cursed the day when I was not allowed to see my sister get engaged to the love of her life and I was locked behind cold doors. I cursed the day when I missed out all details of her love life. I cursed the day when I was first rejected. I cursed the days that came after.
If love truly existed then I saw it in Afaaf and Zaryaab. In Faraal and Bazid and in Jahan and Ronaq. I saw love in Jahan's yearning for her.
And I cursed myself.
I cursed myself over and over again.
And over and over and over and over again.
Until I couldn't. I cursed when I crossed my boundaries in desperation of being loved. I cursed the day I gave Alamdar a chance into my life. He had no chance, he couldn't have a chance. He just couldn't.
I felt silly. The world was showing me signs, the nature was on my side. It was calling out to me. And each time I closed my eyes before the luscious wild trees, I felt them call out to me. Scream to me that; hold on, be patient. Love would conquer me. But I had to be patient. I didn't have to run in streets to find it.
Alamdar was utterly and awfully wrong when he said maybe I'll find happiness where I never looked. I'd find happiness but I'll find it from the place that is least expected. And I just knew that I wouldn't be able to contain myself, when happiness tingles me. And maybe that place would be someone's heart, who I've hurt.
If Jahan felt awful than I felt super awful.
I just wanted to conquer all steps between us and throw all the chaos out of windows. I wanted to embrace him and speak my heart out. But I couldn't find the courage. My stomach would fill with explosives everytime I would look at Jahan. And God- the man looked so unapproachable. So endangered that my heart would rip out in pieces and fall out infront of him. And I had no clue how to remove all the barriers from between us.
It was just him, me and the trees.
But I knew he felt something as well. It couldn't be. I was crazily all over him since the time we got married, it was only for a few days that I was distracted but still- I still am all over him. And it couldn't be that he felt nothing for me. Ughh-
