The Wish From Heaven | ✓

chapter 33 : three rules

"How was your exam?"

It is the same question as every other day, but today, it stabs me somewhere in my stomach. I swallow the bile that threatens to rise up my throat. Trying to keep my voice as normal as possible, I reply, "Good."

"What did you say?"

Shit, I can't speak loudly when I lie. "Good," I repeat, louder this time. The word almost gets stuck.

Her eyebrows perk up. She crosses her arms and asks, "Really?"

"Yeah." I take off my shoes and pass her without a glance to reach the stairs.

"You do remember what I told you earlier, right?"

I stop, but don't turn around.

She continues. "I don't want to see your grades drop even a little."

I scratch the inside of my thumb with my index finger, pressing my lips tightly together. My whole life has been based off what she wants, and she still demands more. Not once did she ask me if something was wrong, if something happened at school, like all those moms in the books do.

"Or else?" I ask.

"What?"

I turn around. "Or else, what will you do? Lock me up in my room for a month until I die?"

"What? What in the wo—"

"That's what Rain Castleton's parents did to him because he didn't pass entrance exams. You remember Rain Castleton, right? He is the boy who committed suicide about two weeks ago." He is my July, the boy who suffered so much for his parents.

Her eyes widen and her mouth hangs open. I notice how thin she has gotten. In the dinner table, I don't see her eating these days. But I have never asked her about it. I didn't even think of asking her.

If she is a bad mother, I'm not a good son, either.

"Is that what you think of me?" she asks, her voice quiet, and slightly trembling.

"You leave me no choice," I reply, my own voice breaking. "Parents like you . . . never leave their kids any choice at all."

Then I turn back and go to my room. July is standing right is front of the door, a worried look on his face. I avoid his gaze and put my bag on the ground.

"You fought with her again," he says.

I lean against the table, burying my face into my palms. I take a long breath. "I didn't want to."

"What happened? Something's not right, is it?"

I remove my hands from my face. I look at the floor and confess, "I couldn't answer 17 marks today." Hearing it being spoken out loud is so incredibly scary, that I squeeze my eyes shut, as if to protect myself from the sight of something that will scar me forever.

I feel his hand on my shoulder. "Hey, it's okay. It happens. It's fine, Cedar."

I shake my head as I say, "I don't want to hear that from you. I want to hear it from Mom."

His hand moves to my other shoulder, his arm encircling my neck. I keep my eyes closed, feeling my only childhood demon feeding on the fears of my mind. The demon is telling me, in a thin, shaky voice, "I don't want to raise a failure". The demon is my mother, the one who gave me birth, the one who didn't hold me in her arms when I woke up from nightmares, the one who scolded me for getting 98 on an exam instead of scolding me for not eating my vegetables.

The one who is too afraid to ruffle my hair and tell me "I'm sorry" when I am awake.

And just like July said, a simple apology does not erase anything. If it did, perhaps the world would have been much simpler. Perhaps I would forgive her and tell her that I understand, that I would work hard for her, and all she has to do is to show her love to me even when I'm not sleeping.