The Wish From Heaven | ✓

chapter 19 : cedar's self-reflection

The world starts spinning around me like a roulette.

"Maybe if you weren't so busy with yourself and actually paid attention properly, Dawn would still be alive!"

Everything else disappears from my mind, those words filling the entire space of it, just this sentence being constantly repeated in my ears like a broken record. I grab the hair of my temples with both my hands, desperately trying to make the headache, which was making things worse, leave.

Calm down calm down calm down calm down

I sit down on the floor, my back against the door, the toilet in front of me. My stomach feels sick, and I might vomit breakfast anytime. Oh God, I'm losing it. I'm totally losing it. Dawn would still be alive? As the closest person to him, there was something I could've done?

Of course there was.

Calm down calm down calm down calm down

A million pictures flash in before my eyes. All those pictures have a sound, which reverberate in my head vividly, further worsening the throbbing pain tormenting it.

I think about the time Dawn didn't go to watch Destiny's first ever violin live performance because I had a very high fever, and my parents were not in town. I remember the time Dawn took blame for me when I broke Mom's favorite mirror out of anger. In the nights before exams, when I would have breakdowns out of nervousness, he would send me funny videos and talk to me until I get back to normal instead of studying himself. Because I had an excess amount of love for Pepsi, he would always buy a can for me whenever he bought it himself and secretly let me drink it, as Mom doesn't allow me to. Everytime he would buy any food, even a small chocolate, he would give half of it to me. He would stand up and clap the loudest every time the results were announced and I stood first, though I myself never felt anything special. Every time I would go to his house, he would tell his mother to make anything with cherries for me.

In return, what did I ever sacrifice for him?

Nothing.

When his most anticipated movie of the year came out in the theatres, he wanted nothing more than to go and watch it with me. We had planned it earlier, and yet I didn't go with him, because one of my tuition classes was rescheduled. And after that, we didn't get any time, so he had to wait until it was out on TV. I couldn't even make two hours for him. When he started sleeping in my room, though he couldn't sleep without me, I would still stay up late studying, and he would just remain awake until then. Many times, he would make small requests to me, like going somewhere with him, lending him a book, or just listening to music with him. Though I always said I would, I eventually forgot, and he never asked a second time. I just assumed that he forgot too. But he wasn't the type to forget, and once rejected, he would never ask twice.

I realize that I always took him for granted.

The banging on the door snaps me out of my thoughts. "Hey! You're in there, aren't you?" It is Edgar. Hearing his voice makes me shrink more, so I shut off my ears with my palms. It doesn't work too well, because he is basically shouting.

"Hey, listen, I'm sorry. Please, I didn't mean to say that. I just got- I got really really really angry and I just couldn't- I just couldn't control myself! Please, just come out and let's have a talk?"

His voice is pleading, just like how July's was last night. Oh God, July. What is he doing right now? I need him so much. But I could do nothing when he needed me to, so who am I to desire his presence beside me right now? Once again, I only think of myself. I can't get worse than this.