FNAF on Drugs: Bonnie on Crack, 5 Nerds at Freddy's, and other jacked-up stories

Author's Nights at Freddy's

(Note: this overly obnoxious story is a PREQUEL to Bonnie on Crack and five nerds at Freddy's.)
ONE DAY:
Author (approaches Freddy Fazbear's pizza): oh boy! I can't wait to start my job here! Let's go inside!
(author enters the building)
Author (sees the animatronics): hey, those are some funny-lookin' guys. wonder what's up with them. *derps up to the animatronics* HELLO THERE I'M AUTHOR WHO R U
Freddy (covers ears): holy crap, this woman is a loudmouth. Don't tell me you're the new night guard here.
Author: OK I won't.
Foxy (leaves pirate's cove): what's going in out- who the heck? *points at author*
Author: Hi.
Foxy: Freddy who is that
Freddy: Sadly, our new night guard.
Foxy: why sadly? She seems perfectly sane to me-
Author (runs up to Foxy): Hey, what's YOUR name!?
Foxy (stutter): Uhh... Foxy the pirate fox??
Author: Really? Ya don't look like a fox to me! You look like a COYOTE! Say, didn't ya say your name was foxy?
Foxy: m-maybe... *begins to sweat*
Author: oh Ok then, you must be a girl. I'm gonna call you... CAMI THE COYOTE!!! 💜
Foxy: W-what?! *looks helplessly over at Freddy* Freddy what's going on here?!
Author (looks over at Chica): hey, your an interesting character! What's your name?
Foxy, Freddy, and Bonnie: DON'T TELL HER YOUR NAME!
Chica: I'm Chica the chicken.
(Other 3 animatronics facepalm)
Author: well, since you look like a duck, I'm gonna call you... *thinks* GRAPES!!!
Chica (taken aback): why grapes?
Author: Weeeeeeell~... Have ya ever heard the one about the duck that walked up to the lemonade stand?
*Everyone roars with laughter*
Chica (turns red and slaps Author)
Author: owwww bad Grapes, that hurt!
*everyone laughs again*
Chica: I'm not even gonna try killing her *leaves*
LATER
Author: alright it's 6am later fools
(Whispers very evilly... and loudly) AND I'LL BE BACK WITH MY BROS
*author leaves*
Chica (looks over at Freddy): Did she say she was gonna bring friends next time?
Freddy (cringes): let's hope not. And if she does, let's hope they're not as obnoxious as her.
Author (reappears behind Freddy out of nowhere): DONT WORRY THEY ARE!
Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Golden Freddy (appears from nowhere):I'm not supposed to be in this story, but here I am anyways!
Author (throws arm around Goldie's shoulder): I like this guy!
THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!