Greta Meets The Big Bad Wolf

The story of Hansel and Gretel

Dante

Dinner was insane. Did you ever eat dinner with twins who love food and a beast? They're worse than animals at the zoo when Goldie threw an apple at a gorilla and pissing it off. Yeah, never throw fruit at animals. It never ends well.

I left the three animals at the table. I didn't need someone taking off my arm. I stepped outside and made a call.

Hello?

"What do you know about the story of Hansel and Gretel?" I asked Goldie.

Why are you asking me about a fairytale?

"Because I'm curious. Dad read all those damn stories to you repeatedly. I know he read Hansel and Gretel," I answered.

Hansel and Gretel, we're a set of siblings who wandered off looking for food because of a famine. They came about a house made of food with a little older woman. The woman convinced them to go inside, and they could eat whatever they wanted. The kids did, and the woman turned out to be a witch who trapped them. Hansel and Gretel outsmarted the witch, locking her in the oven, and escaped.

"That's reassuring," I said.

Dante, that's the sweet version. The one, our parents, tell us.

"What's the other version?" I asked.

Hansel and Gretel didn't leave, and the witch ate them.

"I'm not sure where to go with that," I said, realizing the other version was gross.

All fairytales have a moral. Hansel and Gretel, you don't trust strangers no matter what they use to entice you. Parents tell their children fairytales to teach a lesson.

"Good to know," I said, hanging up. I sighed. How the hell of you keep the wonder twins from getting eaten?

Damien, Greta, and Hans waddled out to me. I didn't need to ask and didn't want to know. I had to figure out how to help Greta, keep Hans from ruining things, and turn Damien back to humans. When I agreed to be someone's fake husband, I didn't think it would lead to this.

*********
We went back to the hotel, and people stared.

"Haven't you seen a set of twins and a mascot?" I asked. "Go back to your boring lives." I gestured at everyone.

You would think people haven't seen twins and a beast. These people need to get out more. We went up to the hotel room and walked in; then I closed the door. Hans and Greta collapsed on the bed, and Damien itched himself.

"Oh, my aching tummy. Someone rub it," Hans whined.

"Yeah, not happening, buddy," I said, sitting at the computer.

"Why did I eat so much?" Hans groaned.

"Because you're a pig," Greta answered.

"So are you," Hans retorted.

"Is that all you two do is fight?" Damien asked.

"Is that all you do is itch like you rolled around in poison ivy?" Hans asked.

"Dante shaved me," Damien huffed.

"And you look utterly ridiculous," Hans remarked.

Damien lunged at Hans, growling at him. Hans smacked him across the snout.

"Bad kitty," Hans scolded.

Damien grabbed Hans by the throat and held Hans in the air. He showed his teeth, and Hans hauled off, kicking Damien in the leg. Damien dropped Hans on the floor as I sat there, watching Damien chase Hans around the room. Greta laid on the bed.