the writer // harry styles au

chapter 36

Alexis

Will hasn't let me live down my decision since I made it. He was always telling me he could 'love me better than he would have' that he would be the only one the make me happy. And he was wrong in the way that he thought he was the only one to make me happy. He can make me happy, but so could Harry.

After we got home from Harry's, Will had gotten a little frustrated with me.

"Why do you stay with me when you want him, Lex? I know you wanted to stay with him," he'd said to me. He'd pushed me against to wall right next to the front door. His hands wondered up and down my sides like they used to when we first started dating. He was always so gentle with me, so caring. He never wanted to hurt me.

I'd stuttered, because I didn't want to tell Will that I stayed with him because I didn't want to see Harry get hurt. Ever. I would rather spend my life only mildly satisfied and in love than see the man I truly love get beaten and hurt by something I caused. But thinking this had then led to the thoughts of maybe walking away from him would hurt him more then Will getting a few punches on him would. I'd shaken the thought out of my mind because the idea of me hurting him was disgusting. It made my insides turn and pull at me.

"Because after all this, a love like we have will last. What I have - had - with Harry is one of those things that you have for a while when you're young, and is a sweet memory when you're older, but not something you marry." Will had been satisfied with my answer, and to be honest, so was I. It was the best load of bullshit I'd made up in my life.

I'd then let WIll take me, mind, body and soul for most of the night. And it was good - I knew it was - but there's always that little voice inside me saying, "But it was better with Harry. Mediocre sex, but there was something there that made it better." Will was amazing, and late in the night when I lay on his chest looking at him, I didn't totally hate myself for what I'd choosen. Will wasn't - in general terms - second tier compared to Harry. In my mind he was, but in the eyes of another woman, he'd probabyly be their choice if they got to choose between Harry and Will.

"I love you," I'd said to him. I did love him. I mean, not in love with him - just a nice, friendly love that still warmed the heart and would hurt if he were to die.

He'd looked down at him, gorgeous smile on his face, and said something that didn't need to be said. "I'll always love you. Better than he did."

I hadn't known how to respond to that, so I just forcibly smiled, and then closed my eyes, ready to sleep.

***

I hadn't seen Jess since before I started what I did with Harry. I'd call her up a few times a week, usually after something happened with Harry, and I'd catch her up on what was going on. She um and ah every so often, and then relate her situation to mine, but make hers seem worse so I'd feel better. This time, while we were out at dinner, she didn't have a situation to compare to mine that even came close to the amount of trouble mine's causing.

"What are you doing, Alex?" she said. She downed her martini in two gulps and then put her attention back on me. "You love Harry."

I sighed, swirlign my index finger around the cold rim of my glass. "I know I do. I also love Will," I tell her.

"You don't love Will like you should." She's right.

"You understand that I need to at least seem like I do, right?" I ask her.

She shakes head, laughing. "Why? Because you're afraid Will would do something to you? WIll loves you so much, holy shit. He is whipped, Alex. He would stop breathing if you asked him to."

I sat back in my chair, baffled by what had just been put right infront of my eyes. I'd known Will loved me, like you would expect someone to when they're in love with you, just not that in love with me. He always put me first, fought for me, couldn't stand the idea of me leaving him. And I'm not going to leave him myself. Not without a push. I wasn't going to walk out on Will just in hopes of Harry wanting me back and welcoming me into his arms even after what I did, just leaving him alone in his home. But it may be a different circumstance if Harry came to me.

"How the fuck did you see that and I didn't?" I asked amusingly asked, like it was stupid of me not to notice, and it kind of was.

"You don't really acknoledge things unless they're plainly put infront of you. Like if a guy's hitting on you, you don't notice until he says, 'Can I get your number?'" She starts chuckling at something. "Do you remember that time, at that party in, like, the second year of uni, and a guy said, 'Do you want to walk around?' and he also said something about going somewhere alone and you were all, 'Yeah, sure!' because you're a sweet little thing. Next thing you know, he was trying to touch your tonsils with his tongue and you were so outraged because you just thought it was a walk?"

"Am I that ignorant?"

"Little bit, yeah."