the writer // harry styles au

chapter 27

Alexis

My heart is aching, my head is throbbing, my mind is racing. Nothing has never been this hard, being so close to Harry, hugging and holding him, while all I'm thinking - all I know - is that this has to be the last time I do something stupid.

Harry pulled back from my arms and was staring at me at an arms length. His brow furrowed in confusion, and his mouth looked dry, like he lost the hydration he needs to survive in a matter of seconds. Maybe I've drained that part of life from him.

"Alexis," Harry says ever so weakly, "what do you mean you'll 'miss loving me?' You don't have to miss loving me - you can love me."

I have to break the eye contact between us. I can't deal with seeing him like this - never have, never will.

I shake my head. I can't bring myself to say the words. I know they'll come out shaky and weakly; I know I'll take them back a second later and decide to just kiss Harry and myself until I'm convinced Harry's the right (wrong) choice.

"No, no, no," Harry whimpers. I can hear the pure sadness in his voice. He's crying. I don't need to look at him to know. "Alexis, don't you dare. Don't leave me loveless again. I won't be able to love you again. This is your last, selfish choice." His voice is angry and sad at the same time and it's the most intimidating thing I've ever come across.

He steps closer to me, not tentatively, but in a rush. His hands run along my shoulders, igniting every nerve in my body, travelling along and up my neck. His hands finally cup my cheeks and he angles my face to look at his. His eyes are puffy and red as they look into mine like they're searching for something.

I choke a sob down and it sounds pathetic, like I'm gasping for air or choking. It's hard be strong while I'm doing this. I can feel the tears start to leave my eyes, trail down my cheeks and slowly come to the end of their trail. Harry's thumbs wipes under my eyes, stopping the fresh tears from continuing their journey. He leans in and kisses my lips, soft, not pressing me to return the kiss - which I don't . He keeps pressing these small, desperate kisses on my lips until he knows for sure I'm not going to kiss him back, even if I want to.

He whispers small words like 'don't' and 'please' against my face as he trails his kisses along every part of my face. Then, finally, when the last kiss is placed on my forehead, the word he says is 'why?'.

And I stop what ever solitary movement I was sporting before and now I stand entirely motionless, like a statue, in the midst of all that's going on around it, but has to stand motionless through it all.

I knew why I was leaving him - if that. It wasn't a stupid reason - quite the opposite really. I was engaged and stupidly running around with Harry; what we were doing was not was I should do.

I stuttered. The words didn't seem to want to form in my mouth; maybe my heart didn't want to let these words go. These words are what ends something I want so, so much.

Each second is passing by so quickly, like the world's trying to get me as far away from him as quickly as it can. I've got to tell him; he deserves the truth - an explanation- this time.

"Harry," his name leaves my mouth for the last time I'll be addressing him. My tears are spilling unlike the words that should be. "Harry, that night when I came to your house, you made me leave. I should have run off, known that it was bad idea. But, as I was walking home, you were the only thing on my mind, not the fact that I'd basically cheated on my husband-to-be. You were the only thing that I've thought about since then - hell, you're the only thing I've been thinking about for the past year. That's not how it should be. I should be loving my fiancé with all my heart, not you."

My mum told me when I was 16 that love was something everyone finds, but not everyone keeps. I was going through a phase where I would only read romance novels (and maybe a few erotica), and all I would fantasise about was finding the perfect guy, who loved me, made everything right and, of course, was great in bed. I'd found that with Will. Little did I know, that all that doesn't mean it's love, it means your safe. Love is dangerous. Harry was not my type, quite annoying but he made me feel so perfect.

Mum was always right, annoyingly. She always knew what to say, how to word it and when to say it. When she told me that not everyone keeps love, I'd laughed.

"Of course you keep love, Mum," I'd said. "You've fallen in love with someone and they're fallen in love with you and know nothing's going to get in the way of that. Unless you're Romeo and Juliet and your families are total rivals, that's just sad."

She'd shook her head and sat in the arm chair in the corner of my room.

"Rival families or not, sometimes it's hard to love someone."

Again, and annoyingly, she was right. Loving Harry is the hardest thing I've done. I need to stop loving him now. Whether I truly do, deep down, stop loving him or just in my head, I need to stop.

Harry backs up against the door. His palms are pressed to his forehead. He's so distraught, red eyes, almost whimpering. The heartache that his face wears is enough to persuade me to run out the door he's currently leaning and against and tell Will I don't want to, that I want Harry. But I don't, and I won't.

"I love you," Harry whimpers. "I don't want you to go. I want to be with you so much, Alexis. Are you doing this to spare the time I'd have to spend waiting for you to break up with Will? Because I will wait as long as you want. I just want you. You don't even have to love me like you do - or did. As long as I can wake up and know that I can kiss you and love you, I'll be happy. I know you don't want to leave me, Alexis, so don't."

A bell rings outside, signalling that the service is starting. I walk up to the door that Harry's leaning against, and I don't ask him to move, I don't stand waiting for him to. I kiss him, hands cupping his face, lips hungry for more. It's so bad, and I'm leading him on, but I need this. Just for the road.

(A/N: Hi! I'm sorry for the slower updates lately. I'll keep updating though!! So the fanfic is currently on 1.24k which is insane!! Thank you all for reading. I hope you enjoy! Don't forget to vote and comment!)