the writer // harry styles au

chapter 20

Alexis

I didn't want to leave. I didn't think I'd have to. I'd kissed him, and he'd kisses back, in all force. It was wanted. I wanted him, not Will. I'd just needed that reassurance. He didn't want me though. He'd sent me off, into the night. Maybe it was my forward actions, my stupid need to kiss him. He just didn't want me anymore.

I walked down his street. It was darker now than it was when I first walked down it. It was really night now, too early in the morning for me to be up. But I was, walking down this street, scared shitless. I'd forgotten for a moment - about Will, about the engagement. I'd been totally lost in just Harry. He'd somehow gotten better at kissing, pulling me tight against his chest, kissing me deeper and deeper.

I shouldn't have kissed him. I did the wrong, I got what I deserved. Nine months ago I let him tell me he loved me and then didn't call, didn't even acknowledge him. I knew I loved him and I was stupid enough to tell myself he wasn't good for me, that he didn't love me.

I feel like I'm hearing footsteps, running behind me. I can hear a heavy breath inhaling and exhaling from someone. I want to believe it's Harry, running after me, asking me to come back, telling me he made a mistake. It's not going to be him, though. I start walking faster, trying to get away quicker. I don't know who's behind me, but I'm not going to stop and check.

My hearts pounding. Why didn't I drive? Why did I think walking so early in the morning was safe? I just want to get home. Not to my place - to Will. He's doing to me my home now. I need to start forgetting about Harry. I can't let the thought of him ruin something that's going to be the rest of my life. Will's going to be my husband, the man I'm with until I'm old and weathered.

Marriage had always mildly scared me. The thought of making a decisions that determines the rest of your life in a single moment seemed like too much pressure. When I was young, 9 or 10, I wanted a family, three kids, all the basics, but as I got older that didn't sit right with me. My auntie had a baby, a little boy. I was asked to babysit all the time and every time I went over there he was harder and harder to handle, demanding food and attention. At that point, children seemed like too much. Children are, in most cases, a part of marriage. I'm scared for that; I'm scared for a whole lifetime with Will. It's going to get to me. I'll be the wife-to-be who runs out on the groom. I won't know where to go, what to do, but I'll be free of that legal tie of being together.

Harry had changed my view of that, at one point. I was looking at Will at one of his work functions, greeting people, having discussion about things he knew barely anything about but tried to be as invested in the conversation as he could. He'd looked so regal and in his element. I'd wondered if that investment and interest in things of strangers interest would translate into something with kids and family. I'd thought that even if I didn't have Harry, I'd still have something good.

The running behind me had slowed, not stopped. I was scared, yes, but I had a phone, keys to possibly stab the person with if needed. I just kept walking, tried to seem strong. But then I heard it, the breaking of his voice, strained.

"Alexis," he said. "I would say sorry, for letting you, but I'm a little confused with who should apologise for what."

I turned to see him, hood of a jumper over his head, shorts slung low on his hips and sneakers without socks. I can see the uncertainty in his face, the way it's questioning everything move I make, determining what I'm thinking. He dismissed me, said I should go. I went, he came back. He's not giving up this time; he's not going to let me go.

He walks in closer, closing the gap between us. The closer he gets the more unclear my thoughts become, questioning what I'm doing, if it's right. I knew it was wrong, but now all I can think about is how right I feel when he's close. He's only inches away from me now, and I beg in my head for him to kiss me. I want him beg like he didn't on the night he called me Alice, cling to me tighter like he should have when he told me he loved me. I want him to really show me that he means business, that he knows what he wants and that he's going to get it.

He does it, pulls my face to his, pressing my lips to kiss with such passion and force that I don't kiss back at first, too stunned by his action. I realise my immobility, starting to move my lips with his. I can't help but feel so right when I'm with him and it's so bad.

He pulls back but I cling to him, holding his jumper in my hands. His hands hold my head against his chest. I can feel his heart beating as fast as mine, rushing with adrenaline.

"You need to get home," he says.

I nod against him.

"I'll take you." He huffs, shaking mildly. "I know you're with him, and that it's so bad for me to tell you this, but I love you. Never stopped, which was fucking annoying." He laughed. "Please just tell me I can see you again."

I pull my head back from his chest, looking into his eyes. I can barely see his face, the night is so dark.

"I don't think I could go without seeing you again."

(A/N: Oh, God. I feel like this story's getting boring for you guys. Comment and tell me what you think? Don't forget to vote! xxxx)