the writer // harry styles au

chapter 33

Alexis

Shock runs itself through my bloodstream. It hits my veins, opens my eyes wide. I'm so ashamed, ridden with guilt and regret. Love is selfish and has totally fucked me over. The high I get when my lips move against Harry's plump, pink ones, the way my eyes want to fly open wide, truly taken by the feeling that overtakes my body with love is no comparison to the feeling that floods my mind and thoughts. I can fight the urge to let my eyes fly open when kissing Harry, but seeing my father, so honestly confused, now holding information that once only I held, leaves my eyes wide open. I'm not able to hide the shock - it's clear on my face.

Even with the elevator doors closed and the machine making its way up to higher floors, my escape from facing my father hasn't given me relief - it's only made me more worried. I'm now not able to run after my father and explain to him, get him to understand. Because that's the thing: he would understand. All my life he'd told me he was there for me and my problems, never there to judge, only to listen and hear me out. Mum was the opposite of Dad, telling me what to do with my trouble and that whatever my alternative was just seemed 'unlogical' - but she meant it in the kindest of ways; she's just a lateral thinker.

I know Harry's stepped closer, and that is only confirmed when a few seconds later his hands, pressed flat to the skin just above my breasts, slide across the area, slowly, calmly. His body presses against my back and the heat that his body radiates onto mine is almost unbearable because it only pushes me further to realise what my heart desires but what my brain resists. My heart resides in Harry and his resides in me. It's a scary, scary situation, the one we hold. I have souly given my heart to him, even if he isn't so sure, and he has given me his, yet we don't have the realtionship people in love have and it, in all bluntness, sucks shit.

"Alexis," Harry speaks. The eleavator indicates that we've reached the top floor, the doors opening to no one, then closing. I press the floor my father's on. I feel Harry's hot breath get nearer to my ear. His breathing is jagged and shakey. "Leave me," he whispers. And I'm in denial of the phrase that all I hear is "Love me," because that's all I want to do.

"I do love you." The words come out subconciously and I can't be bothered correcting myself. I know it's my heart talking - the dangerous, uncontrollable darkness that is my heart - but my mind is in too much of a daze to wrap my head around what I just said.

My hands come up from my sides, resting themselves on the tops of his. He laughs and I feel the vibration deep in his chest. It's so comforting - nothing like Will's laugh. I never noticed things like this about Will. He was jus this attractive guy, good hair, broad chest, tallee than me, nice guy; that's all that mattered. With Harry, the first thing I ever noticed in him was the brightness in his green eyes, the temperature of his hands as I passed my book over to him. It was different from the start with Harry, but I fucked up the beginning of what could have been a simple relationship. I was jealous of a book character, never letting Harry love me like I do now, against what's soon to be a vow. In sickness and in health; for better and for worse.

"I said leave me, Alexis." His words sound light-hearted, flase; I know they're not.

"I'm not with you; how can I leave you?" I say. My body turns in the confines of his hold. I need to see him, look at his face, green eyes that shine everytime I feel mine shining.

When I turn to see him, it feels like the biggest mistake - which it isn't, of course. His face is smiling, and I really have no clue why. His eyes seem bright, shining even though mine aren't. His lips have a lighter pink tinge to them from my lipstick. His face, even though dotted with the odd spot and blemish, seems smooth, soft enough to give me the urge to reach up and let my hand slide down the right side of his face, the side that has the glare of the fluoresent light pannell on the side of the elevator. His smile seems to deepen, and that makes me want to smile.