the writer // harry styles au

chapter 24

Harry

When I was younger, I'd always imagined that when I found the person I loved they would be mine forever, to keep in my arms and love unconditionally so much that it hurt. I'd imagined a sort of safety, totally at peace and unburdened by the minefield of the dating scene. And that's what everyone wants, right? The certainty of having someone you are so in love with next to you making you feel untouchable. Yet everyone fails to realise that it makes you weaker, exploiting your soft spot to the world. Anyone can hurt you through this other person or the threat of not being able to be with this other person, even without knowing. A person can take the one you love from you without knowing it's hurting you so much you feel like you can function - don't want to function.

Will's done that to me. Although he already had her, safe in his arms and in a promise to be his forever, I still had Alexis for that short while. While I was with her, it never really felt like she was betrothed to anyone else. I felt like she was my girlfriend. Niall had treated her like my girlfriend, telling her embarrassing stories, telling her good stories. She had sat close to me, hand rested lightly on my leg, slowly killing every ounce of dignity I had in tact that kept me from ripping our clothes off and just being with her.

Zayn had again come over to give me agonising amounts of advice. He was currently enwrapped in telling a story about.. something. He didn't really have much concern for what I was doing, and I thank him for that. I didn't need any attention right now from anyone other than her.

"Look, she came back for you after she got engaged and said she loves you. It's the stupidest predicament ever, but wickedly romantic." His head lifts from where it was laying on the couch. Looking over the back over the black couch, his eyes catch mine and he raises his eyebrows. "His mum just died, so being a normal human being with regards towards others, she needs to be there for her fiancé, like all normal, not-affair having fiancés would do."

I'd thought about that, about how long it would now be until she could tell him about me without totally crushing him. I knew he loved her, just by the way his voice had cracked through the phone; barely audible to me, but from what I could hear, absolute and utter desperation in need for her. And it hurt, thinking that I'd be the reason for his probably broken heart in the future. But love is selfish, everyone knows that. It may come across as this thing where you would give up or do anything for that other, but you're just giving up of doing anything for that other because you rely on their love for yourself.

I was right on that night she came back to me, sending her away. I should have let her walk away and live the life she should have with Will. Falling in love isn't a rare thing. You feel like when you have it that won't find it again in any other person. But that's not true. I know how in love I am with Alexis, but maybe there's someone else out there for me. Maybe there's someone like Alice out there, the girl that I'd originally, and stupidly, fallen in love with first.

I'm going to be selfish, though. I will hold onto Alexis for as long as she lets me. I will stay with her, kiss her, make love to her until she feels too much regret and betrayal that she leaves me. It will leave me in a rut, broken and in what will feel like a worthless existence, but I'll fight back against myself, pick myself up and maybe fall in love again, with someone who is hopefully more available to me.

But I don't want to think about that right now. I'll just let myself love Alexis until I can't anymore, which I hope is no where in my future.

"Look, speaking of funerals," Zayn says, lifting himself from my couch and over to my kitchen, helping himself to the scotch sat on the counter. "I'm going to one, of a mother, in London. Think it might be Will's."

"Yeah?"

"Well, what's his last name?" Zayn asks. He leans back on the counter, taking a sip of the drink.

"Senate," I answer.

"Yep, that's the one. She's an employee at my publisher. You want to come? Might make your depressing life seem mildly less morbid."

I hesitate. Surely Alexis wouldn't want me there, but I want to be selfish and see her. "Yeah, okay."

"Yes!" Zayn cheers with more enthusiasm than expected. "Couldn't go it alone."

"Yeah," I say. "Shit, shit. This is such a bad idea."

Zayn comes over to me and slaps a hand on my back.

"Love is love, Styles. Remember that."

(A/N: I really like this chapter!! I hope you guys do, too!! Don't forget to vote and comments are definitely welcome! Hope you enjoyed xxx)