the writer // harry styles au

chapter 19

Harry

It's not a normal feeling, the one that I'm feeling now. It's a feeling you only get at certain times, certain circumstances. This circumstance is twisted, stupid, insanely random.

I had been thinking about, not like I usually do, actually thinking about her. I was really thinking, reminiscing. I thought about her lips, her annoying fringe; I thought about her naked, perfect hip-to-waist ratio, a bit of a tummy, small but perfectly cupped boobs. I thought of her with him, that asshole. It killed me, time after time, just the thought of him. I would be thinking about Alexis, everything about her, and then he'd show up. He's like a pop-up add you don't want to ruin your website. He just keeps popping up, ruining what was totally fine. I always wondered whether she was still with him, maybe in love with him.

I hated her for a while. She didn't even call after I told her I loved her. She just cut me off, shut me out, and went on with her life. She didn't love me, didn't even have enough guts to tell me she didn't. I always said to myself that if I ever saw her again, I would be mad, angry, absolutely fuming. I wouldn't be the first to initiate conversation, either, yet here I was.

I had woken up to thing ring of the doorbell, assuming ding-dong-ditchers, or something annoying. But the camera on the door bell had shown her. The messy hair, a worried face. I stood looking at it for a moment, taking it all in. She'd come to me. I'd buzzed her in, against my fake set of rules. She'd look beautifully messy when she was walking to the front door. Even in the dark night she was as clear as anything, right in front of me. She'd looked nervous, that's what I thought at least. She was looking straight at me as she walked up the path, her hands stuffed in her pockets and jacket button tight to her body.

She turned halfway up the path, deciding to go again. All I could think was don't let her walk away again. So I said her name, loud and strong. I wasn't going to beg for her back; I just wanted to talk, see how she is. Pathetic excuse to keep her with me for a little while, but I needed it. I needed to hear her voice, see her blue eyes up close, see the metallic blue around the rim softened by a faint green. I just needed her for a while. So, I said it - her name, loud and strong.

She stayed facing away for a moment, not moving. Her head was angled down, hands still in her pockets. She wasn't going to stay and that scared me. I was going to be a wreck after she left, having not seen her in so long it would kill me for her to just look at me so clearly and sweetly, I'd turn into the pathetic mess of a man I was a few months ago.

Then she did it, turned in her position. Her vision stayed trained on the ground for a moment; she was nervous - really nervous. The cold mustn't be a good mix with the nerves. Her body must be covered in goosebumps. I found myself still warm, even with the cold hitting my body. It was her, making my body run with warm, hot blood full of hope and love. Maybe a little bit of anger, too.

"Come inside, Alexis," I said. She was probably going to reject me, say she shouldn't, that she doesn't know why she's even here.

"Harry," she says, stepping a little closer. "You're happy." She smiles up at me, forced, but her cheeks still get chubby, like they always did and her dimple press in them.

I shake my head. I'm not happy. I don't know why she thinks that. "You think this is happy?" I question her.

She shakes her head no. "In the paper, there's an article on you. You're with some other guy, but you're smiling so wide. But now, in front of me, you're blank. You're eyes don't shine, you're mouth is frowning."

I walk down the two steps to her, getting so close I can smell her perfume, see the freckle on her jaw. I'm so close, so god-damn close. "You really did a number on me. You never called. I told you I loved you. I should have been angry, should have thought you were a bitch, an absolute bitch. But here I am, nine months later, and you're still all I think about. You're rough and real. You're this girl who is stuck in my head 24/7. I'm not happy; I'm stuck in life without something I love, and that's never happy."

She pulls her head up to me, blue eyes so full of depth and ache that I want to pull out all my love and give it to her, make her feel okay. A single tear drops down her cheek, leaving a wet stain behind it. I know I shouldn't, but I bring my hand up to her face, my thumb following over the wet line, clearing it from her face. She stares at me as I do so, but I try to train my eyes to where my thumb is. Looking into her eyes is killing me.

I feel her hand come up and wrap around my wrist, holding it in the position on her face. Her face is hot and flustered. I can feel the heat radiating onto my hand. She brings her other hand behind my neck, tracing a small line up and down. My body is reacting like crazy, goosebumps, shaking. Her touch is something I've craved for what feels like my whole life. She forcibly pulls my head down towards hers, pressing her lips to mine. This was something I didn't see coming. I wasn't going to let her go, no way.

I bring my arms around her waist, tugging her close to my body. It feels so good, holding her, feeling the press of her body to mine, having her hands run through the hair at the back of my head. I deepen the kiss, not getting enough.

I lift her up, continuing the kiss, but bringing her into the house. I can feel her smile against my lips and man, it shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be kissing her. I should be angry, furious, asking her why, demanding an answer. But this is what I'd wanted all those months ago, her close to me, lips on mine.

Once we got into the house, she pulled away. She wriggled her way out of my grip and stood in front of me. Her hands were clasped in front of her body. Her right hand covering the left. She looked guilty, stupid. I stepped into her, unclasping her hands and enclosing them with mine. As my fingers slipped through hers, I felt the bump of a ring. At first it didn't register, that it was her left hand, fourth finger, but then she jolted her hands from mine, and I knew.

She covered her hand again, looking at me, face full of guilt. I stepped back and back and back before I felt the hard press of the door. I let my body slide down the wood, falling. Just as I thought I had her, mine again, in my arms, she was already claimed. Marked. Someone else's to be forever.

"When's the wedding?" I asked. Dread dropped from my lips with each word. I sounded bitter and horrible and angry.

She brought her body to sit next to mine and it was tormenting to feel the warmth of her body again. "He did it tonight - the proposal. I said yes, but all I thought about was you. How I wanted it to be you on your knee; how I wanted it to be you holding me in your arms. I saw the paper and couldn't take it, couldn't take laying next to Will when all I could think about was you."

I laughed, shaking my head. She hadn't forgotten about me, after all this time. I had always wanted her in my arms, and so had she. But I wasn't going to do this, take her from some man who I really did hate right now. He obviously loves her, he proposed. I'll let her go, again. I know it'll hurt, so, so much. But I'll do it for the wellbeing of that stupid Will. I'll get over her, maybe find my female-equivalent to Will. It'll hurt so bad, I just can't be selfish with her. I can't be selfish to myself.

"Go," I said, cold and hard. I was horrible, so horrible. I hated it.

"W-What?" she stuttered. I could feel her gaze burning into the side of my face. I won't give in.

I stood, facing the door, straight on, not allowing myself to look her in the eyes because I know I'll let her stay.

"You need to go to him. The Will guy." I could see in my peripheral vision that she was standing. I could here sobs being held back and I felt terrible. I was making her cry.

She didn't protest, she didn't beg. She opened the door and stepped into the cool night, leaving me again. But this time, I let her.

(A/N: Holy crap, this chapter was hard to write. As much as I want Harry and Alexis to run straight into each other's arms, I have bigger plans! Don't forget to vote and comment what you think!)